So over a year ago, I did something that I never would have thought I would do. I started waiting tables again.

I Have Waited Tables Forever

Started when I was 14 at KimWah’s Chinese Resturant on Long Island…bagging to-go orders, making dumplings and wontons, and waiting on the occasional table. Mr. Yeh made the BEST damn dumplings in the world..and I have yet to find a dumpling as good..seriously.

When I moved up to New Paltz to finish college, I again went to the restaurants for employment. I thought I was so smart and went to town a full month before all the other college kids did and tried to get a job. That was pretty necessary as I was paying for not only all my living expenses, but tuition, too. I still had to bear about 6 weeks working at Dunkin’ Donuts, until a position opened for me at Bacchus in town. And there I stayed, meeting my first husband, actually having our wedding reception there and left when I was seven months pregnant with our son.

Less then three years later, I found myself back on the floor, this time at the “original” Clove Cafe in High Falls. I hadn’t planned on it as I was doing my own home based day care and watching my first marriage die a slow death, but somehow “filling in” became shifts..and when the marriage finally gasped and died with a whisper, it was very nice to be able to work four nights a week, be home with Garin and make oodles of money to support us both.

The only problem was that I felt as I got older, that I did not want to do this the rest of my life. I imagined being 50 and working in a dirty diner with varicose veins and a stained shirt. So when Garin started full time Kindergarten, I began to look for something to fill my days. As luck would have it, I found a teeny tiny ad for an interior design assistant and my next 6 years were mapped out.

So my four years at the Clove ended with me moving to full time days at Barbara’s being an interior designer and I began my “career”. It was a positive thing.

Barb’s ended when her cash flow got weird and I was laid off. It was during my last pregnancy with Tristan so I finished the summer on unemployment, did my disability and then went back into “the field”. Not interior design, but at a place that was all about kitchens. Long story there, which will be presented at a later date, but I ended up working for a place in Westchester for a guy I now call “that crazy man”.

Anyway, the crazy man was so damn crazy, that I found myself one day realizing that I hated him. I hated my job. I could not do my job because he put so many obstacles in my way. There was nothing else I could to to try to make him happy. It was going to end badly anyway as he was abusive and nuts, and this little voice inside me said..”I would rather wait tables then deal with this nut.”

So I went home and got a job waiting tables at the best restaurant in the Hudson Valley.

A year later and I am still there. I am very happy. I am basically a SAHM, but I get to go out three nights a week, eat well, hang out with my friends and make good money doing so. Never thought I would be back again doing this, but as they say “When man plans, God laughs”.

Can We Talk About Waiting on Tables?

I LIKE waiting on tables. I have fun. If you are my customers, I don’t just give you great food and usually great service, but I am fun too. Kind of like dinner theater, because I can make you laugh. Some people leave knowing lots of stuff about me.

One of my favorite games is play “Guess Claud’s age” which is cool because they are always wrong. I mention my children and someone always asks how many I have. It’s amusing to see their draws drop when I say four. They always ask the ages, and I love to see them do the mental math when I say my oldest is 18. Because people tell me all the time, I generally have to admit that I must look about 27, pretty funny as I will be 38 in a mere few months. Sometimes, if I feel like it I tell people the truth about Max, sometimes, I just let them assume he is in college in MA. I have had some really great conversations about Adoption with customers.

I like to talk to my tables. I listen to their conversations. I will even jump in on them if I feel like it. It’s a pretty fancy foo foo restaurant, but I will tell you that the chocolate cake..it is to die for and some people think it is better than sex. I don’t play the snobby server..I just try to stuff you silly and make you give me lots of money. All glasses filled all the time, timing right, make sure you know what to expect, how the food is going if it seems the kitchen is slow. I will tell you that you don’t both need the huge Caesar salad if your getting apps and a main course, but I will have the kitchen split it for you instead on two plates so it looks pretty. My goal is to make you want for nothing and to have fun and great food.

And I am pretty damn good at it if I don’t say so myself. Not perfect..I like to drop silverware, but pretty dern tooting good.

If you are one of those tables that doesn’t want to hang out with me..I will leave you alone. If you are an asshole, I will kill you with kindness. If you are too engrossed in your conversation to acknowledge me when I come by, I will stand their patiently for you to decide to shut up even though I have 9 other tables and plenty to do besides wait for you. If you have kids with you, I will bring them toys and make sure they get their food with your apps so you might be able to relax. I will also know, instinctively, like a mother, when you really NEED to go, and I will get you out of there before your crying child gets dirty looks from all the other diners.

Tip Your Server Well

For this..I do expect a good tip. Now truthfully, anything less than 20% is annoying. Tax here is 8%..so if you double it, you need to seriously ROUND UP, to make it good. So on 50 dollars, add 10. On a hundred dollars, add 20. Yes, you should tip on that bottle of wine you ordered. If you are getting a discount, tip on the bill before the discount, please? And WHY must you make the math all complicated??

If your bill is $83.46…just leave a hundred, OK? Makes it easy on you when you see your credit card charges or balance your checkbook. Yes, technically on 80/85$ a “good” tip is 16/17, but what good really is that three bucks saved for you when you just spent all that money on dinner anyway? Do you know what it does for me? It makes my tip average go up. And the better my tip average, not only is it better to get the good shifts, but we have these lame contests..so a bunch of good tippers can allow me to win a few hundred dollars or more. Plus you counteract the other idiots who don’t know how to tip or are just cheap even if they are happy and thrilled all night.

Customers that Suck at Restaurants:

The French: Speaking of idiots, could you please inform everyone you personally know from Europe that the system is WAY different here? We don’t make a good hourly wage and gratuity is not included on the bill. Do you know how much I hate these damn people who you KNOW have been in this country long enough to know how the system works here, but pretend they don’t. Yeah, you know I am taking about you! Stop pretending, you are just cheap. And not only that..you are demanding!! Must I really decanter your BYOB wine what is crap? Oh wait, you have 4 bottles? Yes, allow me to smile while I cater to you because I really don’t have any other tables that will leave more than your lousy 5% gracious gift. And you act like you are doing me the favor? Sounds terrible, I know, but the French..ugg, they are the worst! Even our French angel, the dynamo busser, Sabine, knows the French suck. We are not impressed!

Rich Kids Playing Poor: And can we talk about the “kids” who come in and order 17 million things and then don’t have enough to tip decently? If you money is tight, fiqure it our before you order three desserts and expressos and that “sautern you have been dying to have”. Just because mommy and daddy pay for you to go to the fancy college and you choose to look like a Bohemian with a trust fund and good taste, doesn’t mean that I really will take pity on you and your champagne tastes. Nah, I am not here to hang out with your deep thoughts of nothing Mr. Bard College. I want your money, so stop trying to impress that girl to sleep with you and tip me. I will serve you better. She’s not putting out.

Snobs and Doubters: Actually, I am not impressed if you act like you are better than me. I might be serving you, but I am not your servant. Don’t try to snob me out. Whatever. If I know something I will tell you, if I don’t know, I will tell you that too. And if I tell you that your well done, double thick pork chop will take an hour and 15 minutes to reach the table, I am not lying, it will! So don’t give me a face and start that neck stretching looking as though that makes a 3″ piece of meat grill faster. And don’t look surprise even if we look “quiet”. Just because there are less people in the place does not make the food cook faster. Duh!

People in a Rush: And if you are in a rush..don’t order three courses and then get mad at me because you have to forgo dessert for your movie. It’s fine dining, not MickeyD’s. And if you have a time frame, tell me so I can let the kitchen know in the beginning when there is something that can be done about it. Oh, and then eat fast! Don’t get mad at me if you won’t just shut up and feed your face.

I don’t cook the food. I don’t pour the bar drinks. It might be quiet in the restaurant but the bar and bistro might be jammed so don’t make a face if your tables fancy martini’s take a few minutes longer than you would like.

Indecisiveness: Also, If you don’t know what in God’s name you really want..then tell me and I will go away. I promise to come back, but only when you close your menus. See that’s the sign that I am looking for. That means you are ready for me. If you have no clue, don’t close then and then, when I get there, start debating with hubby over who is eating chicken and can you have some steak if he orders it. And if you are still looking at open menus..guess what? It means that you are not ready, so don’t get all pissy like I am ignoring you when you are giving out the wrong sign.

Finger Snappers: And unless you are really going to die, if I am at another table..dealing with them..it is THEIR turn! Don’t call to me, don’t snap you fingers and don’t start with the “Oh miss!!” I will get to you, really, but let me finish one task first. If I walk away, it is because I MUST do something, but I will come back. A smile, some eye contact, and a bit of patience is all that is needed. I promise. I will acknolwdge you, don’t demand of me.

You hate your Food, but you ate it: Now I am big about the food check. When you get your food, I will be there, hopefully after the first bite to make sure you only have “ummmmm” to day. I pass by for apps and salads, but I will look at you and make eye contact. If there is a problem, LET ME KNOW RIGHT AWAY. Don’t eat half of it and then tell me that somethig is wrong. Let me fix it. Let me get you something else. Let me make it better. Don’t make it my fault that you choose not to communicate when I could still save the meal. That’s just cheesy. If you don’t tell me and then complain to the manager, that means that you are just after the comp on the bill. It doesn’t make me look stupid when I say “but I checked on them and they said nothing”, it makes you look like a cheap asshole.

Allergy and Raw Vegans: And please…if you have some weird food need…your choices will be limited. There is only so much a kitchen will do. Don’t come in here and start making up your own dish. Yeah, I can sub out the spinach if you want bok choy. Yes, I can give you polenta instead of mashed potatoes. But if you want some weird ass concoction that you must have, then make it yourself at home. If you have an allergy, let me know it is an ALLERGY. Because just asking something bland like take the mushrooms out of the Chicken, does not mean that I will know to tell you that the Potato-leek soup has a mushroom base. And neither one of us will be happy when you explode like a blow fish.

Don’t Know your Meat temps: And figure out how you really like your meat while we are at it, will you? Medium rare, a true medium rare will have a cold center. Medium will be reddish/pink in the middle but warm all the way though. Medium well has no red, but slight pink still. Don’t get nasty if you ordered wrong. And if I say that it is medium rare because it IS medium rare, don’t snap at me. If it was under-cooked for real, I would say it. I will be glad to cook it more for you, but admit that you don’t know your foods, K? Oh, and well done..it will be DRY. I will try to talk you out of destroying the Tuna like that. Don’t order well done food and then tell me that it isn’t juicy..DUH! When in doubt, order less done. It is a heck of a lot easier to refire a dish then to have to re-cook it all the way.

Drink Whores; Now, some common sense. If I am there and I ask your table mate if they would like a refill on their empty wine glass, and you think that you might feel the need to gulp down your half glass, tell me to get one for you too. Because, really, though my job IS to walk back and forth all night and see to your needs, you could make it a tad easier with a bit of foresight. There is nothing like thinking that I have gotten a table all squared away and then walk back with new drinks to see you, slug it down, and then ask for another. Makes me think that you are just fucking with me. Not your slave girl, just your server for a few hours. Let’s coordinate OK?

Forgetful Sallys: Oh, and if everyone at your table orders apps and salad and you don’t..guess when I bring your main course…after they have had their apps and salads with their main courses. Don’t ask me where your food is or if I forgot you. No, you did’t bother to pay attention to what everyone else ordered and you forgot you!

Don’t Be the Last Table!

Which leaves me to the final bitch. If perchance, you happen to come in towards closing time, and you suddenly find yourself to be the last diners in the restaurant..eat and go home! If you sneak in right before we stop seating, then don’t order 3 courses! Do you have any idea how many people are staying two hours later just for you? Sous chef, line cook, pastry chef, floor manager, food runner, busser, and me! Eat if you must, but make it snappy! Don’t linger over coffee if the place is empty except for your table. It is not the time to pretend to be rich and famous and have a private dining room. And if you really MUST stay, then you had better make it worth my while. You add an extra 20$ on top of a really good tip just for the heck of it..and next time you come in late, we won’t sit and stare at you with our aprons off and drinks in hand while you finish up. I won’t mind being really tired if you pay me.

We ALL hate you Tea Drinkers. HATE

And while I am at it..you tea drinkers. We just hate you. All of us. Every waiter and waitress all over. Tea sucks. The NY Times said it. They did a survey. Tea is the biggest pain in the ass ever. I have to put the loose tea in the tea bag, temper your pot, heat your cup, guess if you want honey or lemon or milk or sugar…

So if 5 of you order tea..you guess it..leave more money!

But really, if you come and see me..you’ll never know all these deep secrets by my face. I’ll be smiling. Because really, I DO love my job.