After seeing the disappointing “August Rush” on Saturday, Bonnie and I decided to grab ourselves a wee cocktail and headed over to Snapper McGee’s. Still being Saturday night, I was happy to see many a friendly face there and though we made our rounds, Bonnie and I sat at the bar, had a beer, and talked adoption stuff. Surprised?
Adoption Relinquishment and Personal Responsibility
In the midst of the conversation, we touched upon that just bad feeling that we both have, that we in a certain way, did this to ourselves. Though she was up here at the time, and I on LI and in NYC, being the same age, getting pregnant at the same time, having boys 5 days apart, it was the same time frame and the same social order that we experienced. The greatest difference is that I went the agency route and she fell in with a private lawyer/ private adoption. And as she said “I did this.. I found them”.
“So did I. I called my agency. I sent myself away”
Yeah, parallel guilt too.
So we were talking about what we were told, how we were NOT given accurate info about what this would be like, etc. But were torturing ourselves with that age old question.. would we have listen?
What Would Have Made us NOT Choose Adoption?
And I have wondered that before, countless times. If I had met myself and even knowing what my triggers and reasons are.. could I have save us/me/her/him like Jordon/Elena and Sarah? Or would I have just become like Dot? And I have had this conversations with countless others before: What makes one person “get it” and then another will just cling onto what they wish to believe even if it is so very untrue. And this thought rings true for ALL of this adoption stuff… be it an adoptive parent, or Joe citizen, or Katie Couric, or the considering parents in a crisis pregnancy.. what is that magic combination of facts and emotions that suddenly the light goes off and AHA! It drives me crazy!
I mean, I have been accused at pulling at people’s heartstrings to met my own agenda. I have been accused of distorting facts or not having enough facts. I have been accused of being too emotional or abusing the emotions, of being cruel and mean, of just needing therapy, etc. Sometimes I have felt that I have hounded, or not hounded enough. And then sometimes, I am just totally amazed that I speak.. and people to get what I am saying, respond to it, and Woopee! it all comes together, but I still have no clue what is tghe right combination of formulas! And this came up on Nic’s Blog too..what allows some people, in that case Adoptive and perspective adoptive parents, to see that relinquishment is devastating to moms, the great majority of moms, and then some really really want to think that this is what we want? And then, how come moms, like me and Bonnie, actually acted like we DID want this????
Can you hear the overwhelming frustration?
Anyway.. so back to the bar, Bonnie and me sitting there and I am telling her what we didn’t know, how we could not have known, etc. And getting into really, the trust aspect of believing what the “professionals” whom we trusted fed to us. And I do think that is key to much of this, even with PAPS too. That the agencies and lawyers do a lousy job of really preparing all parties and the public, and they fed all of us crap that we all buy into because we think that they are the ones who really know.
And that’s human nature to an extent, I think. You go to the doctor and they tell you something and you believe them: “No, it is just a cyst”. Of course, you want it to be a cyst, cysts are harmless, he says its a cyst, your nagging feelings are just silly, and it’s not a really bad thing, so when you see blood in your urine, you tell yourself it’s just that cyst because the doctor said so and he knows what he is talking about.
- So my ruptured spleen was just gas.
- My broken arm will heal without surgery.
- My mother had gastritis, not colon cancer.
- Global warming is just twisted facts.
- Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.
- Some birth mothers really did want to lose their children and are grateful to adoption. Because it’s a good thing! So thank goodness someone adopted all our kids! whew!
yeah.
Ok, so we see the point of where I am with this, right? Which brings me back to the bar, and sitting there, thinking again:
What would have “gotten” to the 19 year old panicked, pregnant, “a baby will ruin your life” Claud.
And Bonnie brought up a great point: Telling us about what harm WE would have probably would mean nothing. That’s part of the whole “sacrifice” mentality. How we suffered, expected to suffer, as part of the redemption, as part of the nobility, to be better mothers.. for the best interests of our children. I was all into it actually. I was all dark and sorrowful and Goth before the relinquishment.. heck, adoption gave me a real reason to be morose! Woohoo! I really had suffered, been broken, better than the next Goth chicks dysfunction. I win! And not to be that glib about it, but that’s a real component too. There is that whole dark, strange appeal..at least for me. So telling me that I would suffer for decades? I doubt that would have been a real turn off or light bulb moment. I was suppose to suffer. I knew that. I was raised Catholic. It’s called penance.
But we choose to suffer FOR the good of our kids. And this is where I think the Achilles heel is at. Because all this adoption mythology is wrapped up in the pretty “best for the baby” wrapping paper. And in no way did my agency give me any indication about how Adopted persons are over represented in the mental health fields, or in prison, or more prone to suicide, or colic as babies, or ADD, or anxiety, or trust issues, or suffering from lack of genetic
mirroring, or any of the other myriads of “issues’ that can be pinned to adoption.
What I was told was that Max would need to
- know his medical information,
- have a picture of me,
- be curious about his nationality,
- have a name at birth
- be held in the hospital. All the things that I did.
In fact ANYTHING that they, the professionals, said that I needed to do FOR him, to make it better, I did. I did it with a vengeance. I worried, I agonized. The inscribed copy of “Where the Wild Things Are”, the Max Doll, his name, pictures of me, the only picture I had of his dad, all that I knew about us all. Picking the “best” parents, signing the relinquishment forms as soon as legally able so he could go “home’ as soon as possible. In this, I followed all their recommendations to a “T”.
How the Adoption Industry Dupps Moms
And look at the industry, how they get moms; how they sell us the whole “package”. You want to sign off ASAP after birth so, God forbid, your baby does not need to go to evil foster care, but ready to bond with his family. APs in the hospital room and pre birth, so baby “knows’ them too. Medical care payments are better for the baby. Adoptive breast feeding: better for baby. Really, you tell us it’s gonna be “better’ for our kids, and we’ll go for it! Hook, line and sinker.
And even now..years later..who is it that I say is the cause of my learning to ‘re-think”, but adoptees. They were the ones who said to me “If you say to your son that you never regretted anything, then it is hurtful” and so, not wanting to hurt my child, I re-learn, I re-think, I begin to understand and allow into my mind.. the very thing that does hurt me again..adoption..because it is better for my child. Of course, this time they were right. It is better for him for me to “get it’ and not expect his thanks. Adoptees ARE the real professionals. But I sure as heck hadn’t had any experience talking to them back then. I had the agency folks to believe,
And also, getting back to all the excellent Adoptive parents too..they, in general, seem to understand that their child has losses connected to adoption and are willing too sacrifice their own feelings to acknowledge those loses be “best” for their children. And other professionals who can see that, really, adoption should be the last resort because to be with a natural family and kinfolk has real value..and is best, better for children.
And so, if you are still following me here, in some weird convoluted way, sitting there on a bar stool at Snapper’s I discovered my own magic stop button.. that real factor that could have stopped this train wreck…if they had said that I, together, struggling, single, and our real dysfunctional, odd freak family, was BETTER than adoption, then I think I would have actually listened to that. I was trying so hard to do the right thing., to make it all right, to make them happy, to redeem myself, to fix it, and to be the best I could for Max. I was told the better thing was to give him up, to them for what they had was “more ” and better. I was willing to make the sacrifice for that… if I was the better, I bet I could have applied the same energy there too.
They just sold me the wrong bill of goods.
And then, you have to ask yourself why.
Of course, we do know the answer, but still. I sacrificed for the betterment of an agency, not for my baby.
More people should listen to the adoptees. More should speak out.. not just online, but all the live long day. I swear that’s the key.
