Letters from my Adopted Son
I know that there are critics of what I have done to reach my son.
I have to say that I really had hoped that it didn’t have to be this way. I had wanted to be embraced, welcomed by all, but that wasn’t in my control.
Waiting for an Adoption Reunion
And really, I had FULL intentions to just wait. It was hard, but it was harder NOT knowing where he was, having pictures, etc. I was enjoying the little things..biding my time. Finding him on MySpace….yes, I know that I put myself in a position to have to make the decision. If I had not looked..then it would have been not an issue. But I am not a saint. I am not a completely unselfish person. I do have my weak moments..or strong..depending on your viewpoint and perspective. And no matter what..I am a mother.
And I just ask you all this..to try to imagine for a second what it is like to know your child is out there somewhere..and you have longed for so long..and you find out that there is a way to reach out and touch team again. All I can say was there was NO WAY I could have not done it.
For myself, I believe for him, for my other children…one click. I am not that saintly of a human.
Anyway, after the blessed “Holy smokes..mom?” I made a brief reply that quoted Star Wars “Yes,Max, I am your mother”..imagine my deep Vader voice. As well as a few things that are lost now, but it was light and joyous.
How Adoptees Can Feel When Found
The rest of our communication is all saved, but I will post some inserts here:
“Wow, this is wicked incredible. I never once thought I’d ever see you again. I thought of you as an important part of my life that would remain in the dark until my end of days. I just have so many questions, I don’t know where to start. How did you find me? We’re you actively looking or did you just get lucky? How are you? How’s your life been since me? As soon as I get over the shock more and more will come. I’m sure you have a ton of questions too, so I’ll try to give you as much background info as I have time for. I’m a lot different from the loud messy-haired baby you knew me as. Now I’m a loud, messy haired teenager. I’ve taken good care of myself, don’t you worry about that. I run cross country in the fall, and now in spring I’m doing track. In school I take all honors and college prep classes, and I get mostly As and Bs, with a C here and there. “
Then he talks about music ..OMG our tastes were almost identical, life and free time, etc. and ends..
“That’s my life in a nutshell, but I’m sure there’s more you want to hear. I’ll have more soon. ~Max~”
Telling the Adoption Search Story
And I did tell him all that had transpired..how I found him, that I had contacted a few of his friends already ( and that was OK with him). I didn’t include yet that I had had contact with his folks though the agency since I was really fearful that he might be angry about that..and I didn’t feel it was my place. Plus I did feel it necessary to take it slowly.The messages were flying back and forth in our excitement and any fear I had about it not being “OK” with him….completely groundless. It felt right, it was right for us, he was better than ready.
The next message from him had a lot of stuff about his life..his music..school etc. As much as I do LOVE sharing it..it doesn’t feel right on a public place. Some of it is personal really..not for me, but for them and for him. It’s not just my story and I do know that.
Let’s just say that there is ALOT that does make me see that even in a “good” adoption…it is harder than many good loving parents know on their children. And while he wasn’t all woe is me, and he has a really good attitude, he is also an oddball of the family. what can I tell you..he’s my son..and I see that so clearly..and we, are of a family with a strong individuals freak gene.
No Hard Feelings About Being Put Up for Adoption
The second letter closed like this:
“All my friends were really excited to hear that you found me. Most of them knew about you but they never thought you’d contact me. I’m still excited out of my mind, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you at all. My friend Kevin who’s in the Skunkies with me keeps on coming up to me and saying “ha, you have a mom” to which i naturally reply “shut the $@%! up” For some reason it’s laugh-your-pants-off funny. And whenever I see my friend Burk I always say “my mom was a hippie, just like you” And he hates being called a hippie, even though he looks like a hippie, talks like a hippie, and listens to hippie music. Matt, who’s know about you almost as long as I have (and I’ve known as long as I can remember), has been flipping out. So needless to say all this has had quite a big impact on my life. It’s not every day that a kid finds out who his mom is after not knowing for 17 years. hope to talk to you again soon, ~Max~ “
And more:
“And hey, for the record, I am totally o.k. with all of this. More than ok, I think it’s great. While I haven’t been waiting as you have, I’ve always wondered, and now it’s great to find out just how cool you and the rest of my blood-family is. Michael seems like a really cool guy. I’ve a cousin names Michael, kid’s 6 1/2 feet tall, bout 250 pound, my age, and still hasn’t hit puberty. Kid doesn’t even shave yet. He’s gonna be a monster. What am I saying, he already is. He’s gonna be a HUGE monster. Anyway, what I’m saying is, you don’t have to worry about this being too much for me. I’m ready for anything, I can get up in the morning and be told that Canada has invaded and I’d be as cool as a cucumber. While this is a great and exciting experience, I’m not gonna be overwhelmed. And I don’t have any hard feeling about being put up for adoption, I have never felt abandoned or any other foolishness like that. I’m just glad we found each other. with love, ~max~ (Max, Garin, Tristan, you have a way with names, although I like Scarlett Fiona best) “
The Balance: Adoptee, Adoptive Parents and Birthmothers Needs
Now one of the things that I made sure to bring up was that I was pretty uncomfortable with his folks not knowing. If nothing else, as a mother, I KNOW I would be upset if I found out thought the grapevine that something huge had happened in my child’s life. Since his friends were now all privy to this information..I thought it could be just a matter of time until they found out in a bad way..like at a PTA meeting!
But it is a hard line to find here.
At this point..he is almost 18, I don’t want to go behind his back and meddle in his relationship with his parents, I do need to respect his wishes, yet I feel bad for not “listening” to them ( not that they told me..don’t you dare, but it was implied that they would decide and I did go around that completely). I did not want them to be blindsided nor hurt and I didn’t like the “secret”. I am not big on secrets of any kind. And I told him exactly that.
I also was quite clear that I was the adult who did this and I will take responsibility for it. I was willing to write to his folks and let them know what had happened. I will include his response to this for the sake of clarity, but with a note. He says some not so swell things about them. And, you know what, he’s a teenager and I expect him to grumble. So what he states..I take with a grain of salt as far as morons etc. If he didn’t have stuff like that to say I would be more worried that they weren’t normal. I am still going with the assumption here that I have two adoptive parents that have done a great job in loving my son and providing for him. Yeah, I am pretty sure that they are not super in tune with adoptee issues and I don’t think that they have ever step foot on an message board and they might even have some typical AP things to work out, but all and all..I am looking at things in a positive way. Human beings with human failings but not evil.
“I’m gonna tell the folks about all this eventually, and if they find out it’s not that big a deal. They’re gonna freak out and be all like “well she might not be your mom, she might be a bad guy (yes they use that idiotic term) who wants to kidnap you, because stuff like that happens to people you know” and then rant on and on about stupid stuff, nut that’s really it. I deal with that on a daily basis, so no biggy. Their reaction seems pretty much what I would expect, I haven’t asked because I just don’t ask for stuff, just some weird thing about me, I’ll take an offer but I rarely ask for anything. If they think that I was doing the “normal teenage thing” over the summer, they’re even bigger morons than I thought, because the usual teenage thing is working all day and then going out every night, and then going out on weekends for weekend-long parties full of drugs and booze. I worked all day, stayed home every night, and went up to the condo every weekend. It sucked. I’m a total TOTAL information junkie, I could see myself just learning my whole life and loving it totally. I’m curious about everything, and by brother is too oblivious and submissive towards my parents that he wouldn’t make a big deal. Probably the biggest reason they didn’t tell me or give you the go-ahead was because they’re morons. Course I’m not surprised and I don’t have any hard feelings because they’ve acted like this for 17 years, and I’m too mellow to really get worked up about anything anymore. And they might have hard feelings, but they’re idiots, and they’ll get over it. I can guarantee they’ll think you’re wacky, but they’ve live with me long enough to deal with it. No sweat. I’ll talk to them for you, and whatever happens, happens. They’ll act stupid, I’ll have to sit with them while they lecture me, and then it’ll be over with. Don’t worry, be happy. Love, ~max~ “
No I didn’t like this having to be on his shoulders. But he was clear in taking it on. So I backed off. It’s so hard to find the perfect place to work from here. Whose wishes are more important?
Well, as a mother..I go for my son’s. It’s suppose to be about him. And so I let him call it. I think it all worked out ok, but ah, I’ll keep you all hanging. hee hee.
The other thing that was really nice and reassuring that he wasn’t just “putting up a front” for my benefit was that his girlfriend messaged me and thanked me for finding him. She said that she had never seen him so happy.
And that’s really all a mom needs to know.
Max sounds like a classic teen with angst with his parents. That’s why generally I don’t think 18 is a grown-up enough age for kids to find birthparents. But of course, it’s up to the individuals; I just don’t view it was a good thing yet. I don’t approve of how you sought out your son. I think it should be up to the adoptee. Again, it’s up the individual. I’m just giving my perspective. Good luck. This is the point where the real adventure begins!
Well, everyone is entitled to their own opnion..and all I can say is that I am trying to do the best I can. Luckily I really didn’t need to get majority approval..though it would have been more assuring of his folks had been on board. But we all do make choices.
I am really glad that I didn’t wait for him. He didn’t even know he could search and years might have been wasted..just compounding the losses we both have..until what? He needed medical information or met other reunited adoptees and thought “why not me?”
I mean, I was 18 when I was pregnant with him. I can be OK to make that decision at his age, but he can’t make an equally important one? I hate double standards.
Plus, now he can go forth into his full adult life..with no questions, with no doubts..his whole idenity, his heritage is now his completely. I would think it is better to be a whole person at a younger age..isn’t that the crux of an open adoption?
Yeah, I think he has some typical stuff going on. As I said, I would be more worried if he didn’t. He sounds normal and that’s a good thing. I don;t encourage it, but I am not going to chastise him for it. I have said that Garin must also think me a moron, etc…and then he gives me parenting advise for his teenage brother..who in turn gives me advise for his younger siblings.
What it comes down to for me..if his folks had shared wth him my contact WHEN it happened…not because I decided to make it happen, but becasue that is the truth..that’s the reality..and he had said..not ready. I would have completely accepted that. If he had never replied to my second message..then I would have done nothing else. If he had said or does say ever..stop..I will.
But he is down with it. He is happy and I think an 18 year old is old enough to know when he feels ok about something. Besides he has a shrink. And, to reassure many I am sure,he parents DO know of our contact now..which is a huge weight of our both our backs.
I was not judging your choice; I hope it didn’t sound like that. It is a good sign that he shared with his parents of your contact. I am in the interesting situation of being a mother through adoption to 2 children. I wouldn’t like their birthmothers contacting them without me knowing about it. I hope that won’t be the case, since we maintain a good relationship with them directly. But then I think of my husband who would completely freak if his birthmother contacted him. He has never wanted to “know.” Not something I completely understand about him, but it is what it is.
I think eighteen is way too old to be meeting your mother for the first time. It’s just insane. You didn’t do anything wrong. What was wrong that you and Max were kept apart that’s what was wrong. It sounds like you turned up just in time and it made him full of joy. Anyone who reads this can see how happy he was to have been contacted by his mother.
But he’s not meeting his mother. He HAS a mother. He’s meeting his birthmother for the first time.
Anonymous, or shall I just call you KrisAnne? Of course he’s meeting his mother, he said it himself. He didn’t say “holy smokes….birthmum?” he didn’t talk about his birthmother with his friends, he talked about his mum, his mother. He finally got to have contact with his mother, his real mother, not the real mother who raised him but the real mother who yearned for him all those years. His mother.
Maybe he understands that he has two mothers. You make it sound like there is no other mother in the picture besides his birthmother-mother. Like he is some orphan on the street. I believe that adopted children have two mothers, both very real.
Anonymous 3 & 4 ( god, leave your damn names..or make one up..I am NOT going to stalk you!!).
These are YOUR issues. No where have I denied his OTHER family…YOU inisist on making me the BIRTHmother. Now it’s Birthmother-mother..please. NO.If I must be anything..I am his Natural mother..and he has an adoptive mother. Most of the time..I call them his folks, or parents.
The child HAS two mothers.
Why is that so threatening that I must have the birth prefix…. to keep me in my place? Make me remember that ALL i did was give birth? If I must ALWAYS have the “birth” thing..then you must always have the “adoptive” thing. “Hey Adoptive Mommy..I need more juicy juice please!” That feels pretty yucky doesn’t it?
OMG, this made me cry beyond words. I think he is doing great with it and he sounds like a wonderful young man, talented, expressive, etc. I think you did a wonderful thing in finding him.
I actually don’t feel the need to put the prefix in front of birthmother. I wasn’t doing that intentionally to say “you are just a birthmother.” When you’re an adoptive mom, everyone knows you as “the mother,” so it just naturally gets into the thing of calling your child’s “other” mother the birthmother. So you’re not saying things like “Johnny has his mother’s hair color.” People would be like “huh?” Online I use the term birthmother. My kids’ birthmothers refer to themselves as birthmothers. I DO think you are a mother. I was responding to the comment of KimKim where she said “`18 is too old to be meeting one’s mother for the first time.” That sounds like the child has been living motherless for 18 years, which is not the case if he has been adopted. If you want to completely alienate your child’s adoptive parents, go ahead and say you are “the” mother, the only mother. I mean, no WONDER they are going to back off because the intensity/anger is just too much to handle. Also there is the fear of having “your” child reunited with their mother and having the mother overwhelm him with intensity and emotions. As moms, we know about protecting our kids..we want the best for them. We don’t want them overwhelmed by emotions from an angry (birth)mother. I think that is where the fear of adoptive parents lies more than feeling that they are losing the child. I will encourage my kids to meet their birthparents someday…yes, I really will. But I’m trusting that their birthparents won’t overwhelm “our” children with their anger, regret, bitterness, anti-adoption views, etc. That sounds like I’m saying to deny your feelings, but I’m saying go easy on these adoptees…too much intensity could scare them away and make them get less support from their aparents.
I meant to add also that I understand you are more than the woman who “just” gave birth. You nurtured him, you gave him life, you chose an adoptive family for him, you have loved him every day. No, that is not lost on me as an adoptive mother. I don’t view birthmothers as needing to be kept in their place or as less than me. But I DO resent when birthmothers treat adoptive parents like they are not important. We are doing a lot too. One of my children is special needs (didn’t know that when he was born). My days are filled with advocating for him, helping him, etc. All of my blood, sweat and tears go into this. Then there are birthmothers who would say that I’m NOT a mother. I’m sorry, but my life is ALL about being a mother, even if I did not give birth. Fortunately, my childrens’ birthmothers “get” that, or else it would be very difficult. There are already days where I feel like I’m not good enough or wondering if I could be doing more for my children. If my childrens’ birthmothers weren’t “counting” me as a real mother…well, that would just hurt like hell.
Hmmmm….Were do you get the sense that I am all so angry?
Alienating? Overwhelming?
I can be fustrated HERE..because of things said to me and taken out of context and assumed ( and anonymous), but that’s a huge dfference from say calling their house and demanding access to the boy.
With the exception that I went and contacted him 7 months beofre his 18th birthday and with out their involvement and blessing, and that I happen to not support adoption as the all being great win win situation in the majority of infant adoption placements…I have done everything as a “good birthmother” should.
No, I cannot tell people how great it was. I can’t say that I would do it again, it was the best decision for me, nor can I say I have no regrets. Those would be lies.
My contact with them though the agency was kind and respectful. My contact with him has been calm and I have moved very very slowly..followed his lead, provided lots of space, respected him completely.
Yes, I have been truthful in saying that I am sorry that I choose this. That it is not OK with me that I lost him. And why? Because I did years of reseach before hand and was told by adoptees over and over again that they don’t want to hear that “no regret line” That it hurts them.
And anything that I have written on these boards, etc. for that last five years has been done with the thought always in the back on my mind that someday he might see it..and if he does…the last thing it should do is cause him pain or hurt.
I just don’t understand if I say I am his mother..he has two mothers…where do you see that I am discounting his other mother? She is the other one..of us two. Me . Her. Did you happen to read.”Not on my own worst enemy”?
Anonymous? You’re not a real mother. There. I said it. Hate me. I don’t care.
Let’s look at this, shall we. There is nothing inherent in adoption that makes an adult who is responsible for a child, anything other than what that adult already is.
And it is not only people in “parental” roles who adopt children. Grandparents adopt their grandkids, aunts and uncles adopt nieces and nephews, and so on and so forth. My older child, in fact, was adopted by his grandparents. (Not something I wanted but when you can’t afford a lawyer…) Would it have made any damn sense if they had then declared themselves my son’s parents? Or if it’d been, say, one of my brothers who adopted him and then said, “I’m your dad now”?
We need another word for people who are in parental roles to children that they adopt but who are not related to those children in any way by genetics. “Parents” doesn’t cut it. Those kids already have parents, even if the parents are dead. I would like to see the whole premise of changing a child’s family and a child’s relationships and even a child’s first and last names through adoption, die a very noisy and messy and violent and painful death.
You’re not your kids’ mother. You’re some other kind of family person who has raised these kids because for whatever reason their mothers couldn’t do it. They have mothers. Neither is you.
Claudia’s bending over backwards to accommodate you. That’s her choice. But I won’t. I know this is an old post, but maybe someone else will come along and see this–No, if you’ve adopted a child, that doesn’t make you the child’s mother or father. Ever.
Crazy.Totally crazy!I am so glad you DID contact him when you did. I am so glad that he has never had to think”my mom gave me up and doesn’t care about me, never looked for me,was glad she got rid of me etc” Well done! And at least you started by respecting the adoptive parents too,even though they were too insecure (I assume) to let him know immediately.
If you can go off and ‘die’ for your country at 18, you should be allowed everything else. period. yes including alcohol. (which is a small thing compared to knowing where u come from)
I just came across this blog today and I realize this is an old post, but I feel I have to address Dana Seilhan’s post. I found it hurtful and disrespectful and couldn’t disagree more. Dana, you refer to adoptive parents as if all they do is have responsibility of a child, as if no feelings ever develop for said child just because they didn’t give birth to them, because it’s not “theirs”, so they don’t deserve to be called parents. There’s so much that’s just wrong and unfair with this argument. See, I happen to believe that the “true” parent is not the one who gives birth to someone, but rather the one(s) who raises the kid. As hard and emotional child birth that can be, it’s nothing, zero, nada, compared to raising a child to adulthood and taking care of their entire life after birth. In the cases of adoptees, it’s the adoptive parents who will stay up all night when the kid is sick, it’s them who will rush them to the ER when they fall and crack their head open, it’s them who will get the baby vomit on their new suit just as they are about to leave for work. Harsh as it may sound, the birth, biological, real – name it as you like – parent is not there at any of these moments. It’s the adoptive parents who will put their life and own needs on hold to give their child complete priority, it’s them who will sacrifice vacations to save for the kid’s college fund, it’s them who will fight back tears as their kid leaves for college, and it’s them who will be constantly worrying about their kid. And so so so much more. And if you think that’s out of a mere sense of responsibility and no love and genuine parental feelings are involved just because they didn’t happen to give birth to this person, then you have no clue about human nature, or you’re just too blinded by anger and guilt and refuse to see the truth. Human relationships and mutual love aren’t determined by blood alone, otherwise none of us would have any real friends who we love to death, neither would we be able to fall deeply in love with our spouses/life partners, simply because we are not related by blood. Please be more respectful and considerate and stop seeing everybody as your enemy because you had to go through a tough adoption situation in your own life. People aren’t out there to get you and you seem blinded by bitterness for something that – forced or not, manipulated or not – ultimately was your own choice. I can only pray for you to find your inner peace someday and to stop hating other people for your own woes.
ChristinaT:
I am going to be a little more kind towards you that I am emotionally feeling like being after reading your comment simply because you state that you “just” came across my blog and felt compelled to comment. I am going to assume that you have not read here much and therefore do not understand the nature of Musings of the Lame. It is with that, I shall try to be most understanding, but forgive me if a bit of snark rues the day.
First off, this blog is NOT about pandering to the feelings of adoptive parents. I am sorry, but there are plenty of other places for that and this is not one of them. What there are not enough of are places that are dedicated solely to the feelings of birthmothers, the validity of our experiences and our intense feeling s of very real grief and loss due to the separation of our children through adoption. As this post clearly comes from the viewpoint of me, a birthmother, and the comments that follow are a discussion of the term “mother” and clearly defend the choice of using the word “mother” when applying to a birthmother, I would think that perhaps you got that sense.
There really isn’t a kind way of saying this, so I will just be truthful; I do not care if my blog offends or disrespects or hurts your feelings as an adoptive parent. While I do not go out of my way to be rude or hurt ANYONE ; I have a very open comment policy and this blog is a place for people to be truthful, honest and open about their feelings, I will ALWAYS defend the rights of the adoptee and the natural families to speak their truth OVER the voices of an adoptive parent in certain situations (which I will get to) as I deem fit. See, the way I see it; adoption is already enough about what the adoptive parents need or want and NOT enough about what is really best for the child./ Adoptee/ adult involved or the rights and wants and needs of the birth families, so your stuff comes last here. I know this might be a new concept based on the rest of your comment.
So now that I have that straight; I shall go on to your actual comment.
Dana is a member of the adoption community and someone I have “known” for quite a few years now. I support her right to say whatever SHE wants. As someone who openly says that they JUST found their way here, not only are you guilty of ignoring the very nature of this space, but also.. where do you get the right to go to someone else’s house for the first time and make the rules? This blog is my “home” and I get to make the rules here. How dare you tell another person how YOU think they should act when as the admin of this blog I clearly had no issue with a comment that was made in 2009? First off, Dana wasn’t TALKING to you, but addressing the previous Anonymous commenter. Second, why MUST she consider YOUR feelings when she would have no idea that you should come over 4 years later and be offended? Perhaps, I should come to your house and start telling you that the color of your living room (that you redid 4 years ago) is hurtful to my eyes and that I have called in a new painting crew for you? Ok.. it’s a lousy analogy, but I hope you get the point. Sorry, but that’s a just a huge internet social faux pas.
In addition, what Dana stated was true. A person has two sets of parents; they are the biological creators of that person and the terms for them are mother and father. Now the very nature of adoption creates another set of people who take on the legal responsibility of parenting. They then take on the societal roles and labels of mother and father. This change in legal responsibility ( which really is what adoption is in its legal sense) does NOT removed the genetic connection of the first mother and father. NOTHING does. And no matter how much these adoptive parents do, or how wonderful they are, or how much they love their kids (which NO ONE was arguing against.. I am beginning to wonder about your reading comprehension) ; the adoptive parents are still NOT and NEVER WILL BE genetically or biologically connected to their children. Sorry if that’s a tough nut to crack, but it’s a simple fact. The piece of paper does not remove or replace genetic ties; it just alters who has the right and responsibility to parent.
Now, I shall get to point that really has gotten under my skin:
And insert the glorified whining about changing diapers, staying up at night, wiping tears, and all that jazz that makes a real parent the one who parents.
Fuck you. No, I can’t cross it off. Fuck you.How DARE you come to a birthmother blog and put down birthmothers! How dare you dismiss the act of giving birth. How dare you say that its “nothing, zero, nada” on a BIRTHMOTHER BLOG WHERE I have spent the last 8 YEARS of my life sharing that this “nothing” act of giving birth has been the single most life altering event of my life.
No, we are NOT the parents in these moments because we GAVE those moments away to someone like you.
You want to talk about putting a life and own needs on hold for the child? How about the fact that the birthmothers not only think they are putting the needs of THEIR child ahead of their own, but they also, more times than not, put the NEEDS of the adoptive parents before their own. I can’t tell you how many young mothers I know wanted to parent their children after birth, but didn’t want to “break the adoptive parents hearts” and so they went through with their “choice.”
SACRAFICE? You dare even try to say that birthmothers do not know the meaning of SACRAFICE? Lady, you really need to catch up on your reading. We are taught, expected, marketed and pressured to sacrifice our NATURAL motherhood, our joy, our very well being and often our future happiness.
Worry? And again, I realize I might be getting a bit harsh here, but you got me going now. Yes, the parents who have wanted, desired, prayed for, actively pursued and paid for the privilege of parenting DO, we hope as we were promised, worry about the well being of our children, but at least the adoptive parents have the ability to be reassured that their children are ok. Try being the mother who put the needs of everyone else first, scaraficed her own motherhood and then has nothing left but worry and wonder/ I cannot even begin to tell you the thousands of mothers I know who WORRY about their children DAILY and have for 10, 20, 35, 57 YEARS and have NO recourse to find out if their children still breath. You want to talk worry? Yeah, I worry when my son is home late form his friends house, but it is NOTHING like worrying if my child is still alive and well as I did for over 16 years.
I realize that I do not have the ability to alter your opinion. I know that your “beliefs'” are probably caused by your own feelings of inadequacies as a adoptive parent. I acknowledge that it actually must be very hard to know that no matter what you do, these unseen, unknown “birthparents” have a connection to your child that you love and you can never replicate it. But, damn woman.. coming to MY birthmother blog and spouting these tired, worn out, stupid arguments is just asking for me to spank you hard.
Furthermore, in the interest of internet and adoption etiquette, one does NOT dismiss another person’s opinion or feelings by assuming that “you’re just too blinded by anger and guilt and refuse to see the truth ” or “because you had to go through a tough adoption situation in your own life”. Again, Dana, was not only correct, but she wasn’t even speaking about HER personal situation though she let you know the circumstance), but simple facts. By assuming that she speaks out of “bitterness” all you are doing is finding ways to discount what she states because you do not agree. Attributing “hate” and “anger” and “your negative experience” is a rather old, worn out and tired way of putting your head in the sand so you don’t have to think about the validity of her statements. It is, ChristinaT, cowardly, short sighted, and a bad , bad idea. You want to see angry people? Try telling an adoptee that their feelings about THEIR adoption aren’t “right” because you believe otherwise and they are “coming from a bad experience”. Seriously.. I’m assuming you have adopted children? You should read more into how to deal with real adoptees…you’re cruising for some real adoptive parent blunders.
And because
I am getting bored now being that I have had these conversations over and over for 12 years now with ignorant adoptive parents andI really do have other things to do with my day besides school you, don’t ever imply that the “choice” to relinquish is EVER REALLY a TRUE INFORMED CHOICE. I have MANY MANY blog posts already here on Musings of the Lame discussing it. I understand that perhaps researching here might not be your favorite thing to do in this world, but I recommend it. If you think women really “choose” to relinquish their babies, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn that you might want to buy. You have been sold a false bill of goods by the adoption industry, just like we all have. Just because you bought into it, doesn’t mean you have to parrot it.Oh and in case you are angry and wondering why I get to tell you what to do when yelling at you for doing the same? It’s because it is MY BLOG!! Circle back to the beginning if it doesn’t make sense.
Now I’m going to drop this rather long comment here, but in case you did not subscribe to the comment feed and because I really feel, as mean and harsh I might have been, that you are probably either a new adoptive parent or just have not been exposed to such adoption truths before, I am going to send this to your email address as well just to ensure that you do see the error of your ways, even if not for your beliefs, but for the social blunders.
I shall pray for you to have an open heart, to have the ability to see the truth even if painful and for you to embrace the harsh views of adoption reality for the true betterment of the children. It IS supposed to be about them after all now.
In truth….
My ex-in-laws only got all those wonderful up-all-night moments with my son (if any–he was almost three when I lost him) because they lied to me and probably about me, and bullied me into signing away my rights. The first person I asked to notarize my relinquishment would not do it and asked me to get a lawyer. I had ZERO money for a lawyer. I had no choice and had to proceed. In order to properly fight the situation I would have had to take an interstate road trip with a very unreliable car and then come up with money for a motel room, the lawyer IN that state and whatever court fees I might have had to pay, and I couldn’t guarantee the judge would see my side of the story.
My son has grown up in an alcoholic, probably emotionally abusive household (going on how his grandmother has treated me over the years, and how much he resembles me in personality, ACCORDING TO HER) and she has ALWAYS held all the cards, ALWAYS been able to hold me over his head and ALWAYS gotten the upper hand wherever she could.
This is what adoption does. Even when it’s an infant adoption and there’s been no real emnity between the mother and the adopter(s), the latter can close the adoption for any reason or no reason, leaving the mother walking on eggshells.
It is abuse and nothing else. I don’t care how anyone feels about it, I don’t care if it threatens adopters to hear me say this. IT’S ALL TRUE.
If it were really about the needs of the child, there should be NO infant adoption except of those babies removed from abusive homes. Well?
Always been able to hold him over my head, I mean.
Also, I not mean to rant at you, me sorry lady. I just get so pissed at people who think they know the score. Of course they would think that. Their entire world would shatter if they had to take a good hard, HONEST look at themselves.
BRAVO!!
I see you as my enemy because you are behaving as my enemy, not because of my adoption situation.
Taking care of a child does not make you a parent. If it did, then every child would have multiple parents, not just two. We need a new word for people who choose to raise the child of a stranger because presently in English there is not a good one.
I’d be willing to go with “baby buyer.” “Child trafficker.” “Woman abuser,” for all of you who target a pregnant woman, don’t even wait for her to give birth, and then do all sorts of favors for her so she will feel obligated to give her baby to you. Or how about “child neglecter” because you could have adopted from foster care but you would rather let them rot so you could get a cute little tabula rasa and brainwash it as your own.
I can play this game too. I hope you are even MORE offended now. 😀
Sorry, Christina, but you sound MUCH more bitter than the author of this blog post.
And not just a little confused. No one’s questioning whether or not we can love people to whom we’re not related. But loving someone doesn’t magically transform us into relations.
Neither does caring/providing for a child magically transform one into his/her parent. Nannies care for children. Governesses. Babysitters. Guardians, grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers–these and more care for, provide for, and love children. Doesn’t make them parents.
The two people who created me are my parents. My mother provided half my DNA. I grew in her. She nurtured and gave birth to me. I look like her, walk like her, laugh like her. The fact that someone changed a couple of names on my birth certificate didn’t change my genetics.
I know who I am. I know who my parents are. And I know who they aren’t.
There are adoptees who consider their adopters their parents, even after meeting their parents and even if the relationship with the parents is as OK as it can possibly be. Unless they’re insulting about it, I let it go without comment because they had the least amount of control over what happened in their life. They need to find control *somewhere.* And they’re not the ones making all the smackaroos from convincing the public that motherhood and fatherhood can be erased “just like that.” *snap*
I will sure take offense and say something when I see an adopter play that game though. I’ve been known to speak up when it’s koolaid-drinking moms saying it as well. This is why the family severances continue. The language makes it all OK. Change the language back to something like realistic and watch society change. I hope.
I’ve never argued the subject with another adoptee. Each adoptee’s story, experience, and feelings are his or her own.
But from what I’ve witnessed over the decades, I believe for every adoptee who–in her heart of hearts–considers her adopters as parents, there is another who doesn’t.
Too many adopters seem to think that the children they buy are REQUIRED to buy into their parenthood fantasy. Sorry. We’re actual human beings, not Cabbage Patch dolls. Some of us had no interest in going through life pretending to be someone we are not in order to satisfy the delusions of some desperate woman who was unable (or unwilling) to come to terms with her infertility issues.
No one is entitled to tell any of us who we should call, “Mother.”
ChristinaT,
I’m an outsider so take what I say with a grain of salt. I am someone who may or may not have the privledge of becoming an adoptive parent one day. I will say though to a certain extent I get where you are coming from. A few months back I had a lot of hostility towards this blog and site similar to the one you have. Most of that was due to my ignorance and my own insecurities as I work through the emotional struggle of IF.
I do think you raise good points about the role of adoptive parents. Yes, their role shouldn’t be diminished. However, I think you need to be more open minded about this blog and Claudia in general. Also don’t discount the role of birth/first parents nor should you diminish the challenges they face after placement. They are parents as well. Different types of parents but they are parents and NOTHING will ever change that.
I’ve learned a lot from this site and believe you can as well if you open your mind and heart (as a wise woman once said).
ChristinaT –
You talk about putting your life and needs on hold for an adopted child. But that’s not really what you mean. You mean you want the adopted child to put THEIR life and needs on hold FOR YOU – to meet your expectations, to be that perfect and unachievable tabula rasa promised by the adoption industry.
I was an adopted child once. Now I’m an adult adoptee. Putting your needs on hold for someone else involves shutting up and listening to their opinions. Wanna listen to mine? I bet you don’t.
Adoption is ALL ABOUT YOUR NEEDS, the supposed “needs” (read: WANTS!) of the adoptive parents. Every single adoption agency and facilitator is in your corner. The entire industry revolves around you, the customer. We adoptees are merely the products and our mothers, the delivery systems. Articles about adoption invariably preference the adoptive families and adoption professionals, while speaking “on behalf of” adoptees and first families… even when we’re right there to express our own opinions, thank you very much.
Sacrifice? Try living your entire life sundered from your own identity. Try living with the knowledge that your oh-so-compassionate adoptive parents are the very same people who are deliberately concealing your identity because they can’t deal with their own issues of infertility and reproduction.
Sacrifice? Try living in a world where genealogy is welcomed and acceptable… unless you’re adopted in which case you must be a crazy stalker lunatic for *gasp* wanting to know your own origins.
Sacrifice? Try fighting against every politician and law in the land just to get a birth certificate like normal people, who can stroll into the courthouse and receive the proper documentation of their identities for a modest fee. ($15 in Illinois, unless you’re adopted in which case start that meter running!)
You might care to read this handy-dandy adoptee discrimination list – different blog post but same old shit. We are discriminated against by the very same people who engineer our very existence. In short, people like you.
http://www.trionaguidry.com/blog/2012/05/an-angry-adoptee-fangirl-responds-to-avengers-adoption-joke/
If you bothered to read that, you’re probably offended and sitting there thinking, “wow, what an angry adoptee.” You know what? Been there, done that, got the T-shirt (blank, like my birth certificate). Being angry doesn’t make us wrong, nor does dismissing our opinions as “bitter”.
You know what else? It’s NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS WHO I CONSIDER MY PARENTS, and it’s NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS WHAT I THINK ABOUT ADOPTION. *I* get to say. *I* get to choose. Adoption is not a writ of ownership. You don’t dictate what we think or say or do.
If you’re so compassionate and caring for others, figure out how to read adoptee blogs and blogs of first families without being a judgmental ass.
When we don’t get angry at this stuff, adopters and their cheerleaders assume that either (1) we’re just okie-dokie with being used and abused; (2) we’re heartless so actually, we deserved what was done to us or (3) a little bit of both.
You can’t win. I might as well show my anger because at least I’m being true to myself even when the entire world wants to throw me away.
Christina, Claude and Dana have covered all points very well. I just want to add, #1 Clearly you have never given birth, #2 Clearly you have never walked in our shoes. So who made you judge and jury, the final authority on adoption? You have no right to speak until you have experienced 1 & 2. Oh how I wish every adopter could walk for one day in our shoes. Bet that would change your sanctimonious self righteous opinions.
I just wanted to bring up a point that was lost in the comments but is in the blog post. I relinquished my son 22 years ago, kept in touch with the aparents throughout, and recently reunited with my son. I say recently, because even after keeping in touch all these years, I didn’t feel like he was interested in me. He grew up knowing who I was, I had always been there, but wasn’t really interested in KNOWING me till he was 18.
My therapist said that’s when kids start thinking about their future, finishing high school and going into college or the workforce makes them start thinking about families. So naturally it wasn’t surprising to her that he’s the one reaching out to me, instead of the other way around, as it has been for so long, and that he wants to be actively involved in my life and his sisters’ (my own girls) lives. We had dinner together as a family early this year, and right away he shared the picture I posted of them on his Facebook page, introducing them to his friends as his sisters.
ChristinaT: “As hard and emotional child birth that can be, it’s nothing, zero, nada, compared to raising a child to adulthood and taking care of their entire life after birth.”
Hahaha!Oh…you’re serious?
ChristinaT: “In the cases of adoptees, it’s the adoptive parents who will stay up all night when the kid is sick, it’s them who will rush them to the ER when they fall and crack their head open, it’s them who will get the baby vomit on their new suit just as they are about to leave for work.”
Childbirth transforms the world. Each participant’s world. Forever. It involves both fighting for survival, literally and simultaneously. It is intense and profound, unlike anything else on Earth.
You compare this with wiping baby sick off your clothing?