So I had sent him a message regarding Scarlett and Tristan’s reaction to his existence…and his butt. And got a reply:
Well, I usually don’t say crap like this, but that is absolutely adorable. Now I definitely gotta show up. Maybe during April vacation. Nuthin going on for the most part, just gotta make sure the folks aren’t gonna freak. They’re crazy. Absolutely insane.
And of course now..I worry. Does he mean just crazy as in the normal “My parent’s are freaking crazy”? Which is fine and I could deal..it is expected..he is 18. Or are they more crazy regarding me? How much of an issue am I? I was under the impression that my existence was just the “pink elephant”. That after the birthday present situation, that I was not talked about. Which is not all open and supportive really, but better than a constant freak out. Is he just worried in his head because he assumes that they will freak out if he comes to visit? Argggg!!! But I don’t really want to keep bringing them up and harping and quizzing him on them either..I hate having him be in the middle.
Which he is..and I helped put him there.
So I realized recently that we, his folks and I, are at a standoff. We both know that each other exists, but there is nothing direct between is. And their last thing was being mad at me for finding him and comtacting him before age 18, not that I think that 6 months would have really made them any happier. Meanwhile, I am thinking “hmmm..haven’t heard anything from them..whatever” But really, do I think that they are going to contact me? Nah. While I am happy that nothing horrible came out of the birthday present issue….what really do I expect them to do?
What I can hope is that they will be supportive of Max wanting to know us, and feel confident that it is normal, natural and healthy. But really, I don’t know what they are doing to come to that place if anything. And how they precieved my actions does not bode well…for either one of us. And what it does do is put Max smack dab in the middle of two sets of parents who are doing their best to ignore each other. Yuck.
So being that I am who I am, I have to try to somehow repair the damage done by the premature by their standards contact. And I am going to hold out the olive branch… So I basically said this all to Max..and told him that I was going to write to them directly.
I hope it helps a bit. I want him to be allowed to feel good about all this. I just want it to be OK for him.
As an adoptive parent I would be upset if my son’s birthparents contacted him prior to being a legal adult without my knowledge. Notice I didn’t say consent. I think the two are seperate issues. I”m pretty open minded and I hope should Dylan’s birthfamily want direct contact with him prior to 18 they wouldn’t go about it behind our backs. Not that you did that per se, but knowing Dylan, I would want to be prepared as his parents for any emotional fall out. (if there was any) I think thats my responsibility.
I personally think its a good idea to write to his adoptive parents directly. Extending an olive branch per se. I think it will say something about your character and that you have nothing but good intentions, if that makes sense.
I wish you luck and I hope they are gracious and kind.
ugh. i cannot comment. i totally understand your feelings but it causes conflict for me. cuz, well, my daughter has chosen to keep us a secret from her parents. it scares me to think why that has to be, what would happen if she didnt, etc. but i respect her boundaries. they are her parents. she is an adult and can make her own decisions.
but, like you, i feel badly that she is now bearing this burden. this secret. she was never mine but oddly, i am now hers.
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I read it as crazy = funny/hilarious/wacko.
either way it’s cool they will meet.
ps gotta love those spammers!! If you turn on the word recognition stuff it should prevent those.
Did you send the letter? I am so NOT giving ANY advice. Not that you are asking for any. I don’t have a good experience with ad-parents. And not the ones from our generation, the new ones are a bit more open to the idea of contact. The ones from our generation are highly charged with the adoption fear factor. We are the bogeyman or something, I don’t get it.
Anyway, it all sounds good, April not far away is it. I do hope he visits.
We each have our own way of doing what works for us. You do what works for you Claud because you always seem to land on your feet.
It’s a strange situation this reunion business. So easy to get hurt and so inclined to be overjoyed too.
Thinking of you and Maxine and us and well I wish us all so much joy and love.
((Claud)) I hope it all works out okay. God, you must be so on edge right now. ((Hugs))
“…but knowing Dylan, I would want to be prepared as his parents for any emotional fall out. (if there was any) I think thats my responsibility.”
See, I think if the aparents have done a good job of addressing adoption all along, then if a bio parent contacted an adoptee without the parents’ knowledge, there’d be no reason for the adoptee to keep it secret.
Big breath! I think things w/the adoptive folk will work out ok. Be honest & open yourself and they’ll be fine. I am lucky my daughters parents hugged the hell out of me when I first met them. They are awesome happy people who encouraged my daughter to search for me..I found her tho. Your son sounds pretty cool..wonder where he got that from? ;] heh
I’m truly liken the idea of you writing a letter/note to the Aparents, I think that’s honourable and a great idea.
Hugz..
Nah, I haven’t sent anything out yet. This is all from today.
Kim,if you look back to the whole story… I played by the rules at first. I went thought the agency, I wrote my first letters, and then..when I was told that they didn;t think it was time..I waited. And I planned on waiting, but….when it’s 17 1/2 years since you talked to your first child and he is there suddenly..in front of your face..just a click away…eh..I gave in to myself. And I am OK with that moment of weakness.
I know that it can be seen as wrong, but I can also see it as right. And the judge of that really…is Max. He was fine with it, he welcomed it, so who said what is kinda moot in my head. Plus done is done.
I mean, if you were the apaps and I sent a letter to you and Dylan asking for info..would you discuss it with him? Or would you make the decision for a nearly adult him without his knowlege and hide my letter to him? I know they are not thrilled, but I have to admit I wasn’t thrilled either with them deciding that.
I don’t really expect to be welccomed, but I just don’t want Max to feel torn.He shouldn’t have to worry about their feelings to see us if he wants to.
Hmmm…word recognition do you say Wraits? perhaps that shall be done.
I think sending them a nice note- something about how proud you are of the way Max turned out, acknowledge their role in creating a great kid- maybe it will free them up to acknowledge your role. I hope it works.
It might just take time for them to realize that Max can love all his parents, not one or the other. I hope it’s sooner than later though. For everyone’s sake, but especially Max who shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about loving you.
It’s hard for me to have much perspective on this, since our adoptions are so open. Apple’s birthfather has been out of contact with us for several years (his choice) but if he called or wrote I would completely share it with Apple and probably let her see him if she wanted. I would moderate some because of extenuating (sp?) circumstances in his life, but I would try to give her practice before she is left to figure this out by herself as an adult. Her birthmom would probably have some input on that too.
Hum. I’m almost embarrassed to say that, even as an aparent, I’m with you on this (like Kim.Kim says, no advice though. I couldn’t bear the responsibility if you were stupid enough to take it (which I am sure you wouldn’t be).
From my POV, 17 1/2 years, give or take a little, really should make no difference. He was almost 18 then and he is 18 now. I can perfectly understand why you couldn’t *not* contact him, under the circumstances.
As far as his “crazy” parents are concerned, aren’t all parents, of whatever ilk, are supposed to be crazy when you’re 18? Isn’t it part of what they are for – to be really annoying? I can quite understand why they might be somewhat miffed, but I’d have hoped they’d have put it behind them, if only for Max’s sake. Maybe Wriaths is right – perhaps Max just means crazy as in wild/whacko. How about you just ask him?
I think you have good instincts.
Go with them.
Claud can you mail me? I would love to talk to you about this. But not here.. my mail is missmeggles_m1213@yahoo.com.. There is alot I can tell you about my struggle with this, but here it is a little too open if you know what I mean..
Mary
Claud, I can’t begin to tell you how much I admire you.
N said “then if a bio parent contacted an adoptee without the parents’ knowledge, there’d be no reason for the adoptee to keep it secret”
O I agree, but I still stand by what I said. Dylan is bipolar and has other mental health issues. Stability is so important. This is why I would want to know.
“I mean, if you were the apaps and I sent a letter to you and Dylan asking for info..would you discuss it with him? Or would you make the decision for a nearly adult him without his knowlege and hide my letter to him? I know they are not thrilled, but I have to admit I wasn’t thrilled either with them deciding that.”
Absolutely. But that is the kind of person I am. I wouldn’t hide it for the simple reason that it would later on bite me in the ass.
I hope they can get over their fear and selfishness, Claud. Good for you being the one to extend the olive branch when you shouldn’t have to.
O.K, so I’m sober now 😉
What you said to Kim.
Here’s putting myself in different people’s situations . . .
If it were I who’d recieved a letter from our late teen ason’s mother, I’d most certainly have shown it, discussed it with him, and supported him in whatever decision he chose to make.
OTOH, if I were in your shoes, and knew that the aparents had withheld my letter – and if, after that, I’d found my son the way that you did, I’d have felt their actions had freed me up to contact him.
I understand why they might be slightly miffed, but IMO they have more reason to be miffed at themselves than at you. Though, of course, they are unlikely to ever see it that way.
Like I said, I think your instincts are right on.
I think you’re a very generous person (tugging my rustic forlock out of respect), and if writing a conciliatory letter (even though you shouldn’t have to do so) helps Max not feel conficted, that can only be good.
Well the way I see it…
I was miffed ( though willing to shut up, deal and wait), they were miffed..Ok great..let’s get over it for his sake. And that is..basically what I am going to write..except that it will take me about 5 pages to get there! lol
I really, really appreciate it though that the apas can actually see my point. It was so confusing really…because here they were living with him and telling me that he had no interest…and I just KNEW that it was wrong. And then when I did find him directly, it just felt dishonest to know where he was and not be forthcoming…it’s just not my nature, it’s not who I am to hide.
Honestly, as much as I LOVE the fact that I have had almost a year of complete openess and privacy with him…I WISH they would have shared the first letter with him. Though I suppose if they really weren’t going to be supportive and open now, then they weren’t really then, and it wouldnt make a difference really…..You know, I wish I had had the meta forsight to make a point way back of saying that I always envisioned a reunion sooner than later. I always counted down the 18 years. If they had been better prepared….
Claud- I don’t post much on your blog, but I read it all the time. It gives me such insight.
I applaud you for being willing to extend an olive branch to Max’s parents. The fact that you’re doing it to try to make things easier for Max is very loving. I hope that it helps them accept the reality that you’re in his life now and that you only want what’s best for him. You shouldn’t have to hide your relationship with Max!
This is why I’m so glad that we have met and have shared contact information with our son’s birth parents. I hope to keep in touch with them so that if he chooses to be in contact with them later, I’ll be able to point him in the right direction. I also hope that, by keeping in touch with them, I won’t feel threatened by him wanting to have a relationship with them. I know that they are good people and I hope that we’ll continue to keep learning more about each other as the years go bym, for Jacob’s sake.
Best of luck with that letter! I’ll be watching to see what their response is. I hope they’ll treat you with the respect that you deserve!
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