I will NEVER Wish the Pain of a  Birth Mother on Another

I have always said that I could not, would not wish this pain of loss and separation of a child on my own worse enemy.

Now in some of the circles that I travel in my online world, the adoptive parents are considered to be one’s worse enemy and a blight on creation in general. Lately, some of the differences between the way my brain processes thoughts and the way others do have been..um…very definitive and some of the differences have become much more obvious. I always begin to wonder why that is. I am just like that. I like to know what makes me tick..too many years of therapy or something, but I go beyond in why do I think or believe a certain way, what’s the emotional foundation.

Oh I am Angry About Adoption, But Not Stark Raving Mad

Anyway, my experiences as a mother of adoption loss is much different than many of my counterparts. They had their children taken from them in the Baby Scoop Era (BSE)in ways that were dehumanizing, cruel, horrific and heartbreaking. Drugged, lied to, tied down, broken in spirit and then made to pretend that nothing had happened for many, many years. Thousands of mothers, thousands of stories, thousands of babies lost..it is truly a crime against nature and women and their children. Go to the BEBA sight, or Origins USA if you want a sad read. And the worst is that they were told to just be quiet and “get over it” for years..and for years they did, alone in their grief, alone in this world.

Now, though, they have a voice and, rightfully so, they are MAD. And really, I can’t blame them. I really do understand it. They should be mad. They had to bottle up 30, 40 , 50 years of pain inside and it is righteously roaring now. Heck, I’d probably be there with them. But at the same time, it is just not my way maybe because it is not my experience.

I don’t have my parents, and family, and boyfriend, and society to just be mad at. I mean, they did all contribute to the “reasons”, but really I know I have more of myself to blame completely. No one force me into adoption though I was given many reasons why it was “best” and I was treated fairly and decently at the agency even if they did not warn me that it pretty much sucks forever. So I am not screaming out into the whole world about my injustice. I am quietly contemplating, questioning and trying to understand myself as much as everyone else that played a part and sill plays a part.

Not Anti Adoption Enough

Anyway, so in being “anti-adoption” one of the things that is a quandary (oh, for lack of a better term) is what to do with the sympathetic adoptive parent. Some, rally would like nothing better than to haul them into the town square and stone them to death. Just the fact that they have adopted a child has given them a free pass to hell. And given that they have been put into hell on Earth themselves based on the demands of society and the needs of the adopters, I can understand it, but again..I cannot share it.

Now don’t get me wrong. I do see the correlation between the need for babies to adopt and the social climate that tells the women facing the unplanned pregnancy that she is stronger, more loving, and wonderful for creating that supply. There is a market and it is an adoption industry, but I will not rant on that here and now. And, unfortunately, there are many people who adopt who just make my skin crawl. Some attitudes, feelings towards natural parents, the Crack Whore  Birth Mother stereotype, closing open adoptions, more lies and coercion in adoption counseling..yeah, some of it is just evil.

Human Beings and Their Best Intentions Gone Wrong

I think too that everything in life has the capacity to be either good or evil or usually, somewhere in between. I have seen more pain and evil in adoption than say, pure good, but there is goodness out there..even in an adoptive parent.

I tend to think that the majority of adoptive parents, especially in the past, didn’t really think much about it. They wanted children and could not have them naturally; so the logical choice was to adopt. And I hear that even now, in groups of my own contemporaries. Someone is bemoaning that they are getting older and still not with Mr. Wonderful or they aren’t quite ready and will their eggs be too old? And then another do gooder, non-thinker will chip in and say “Well, you could always adopt!”

And I can’t blame them really. This is what we are taught now to think. We have billboard ads, we have commercials on TV, Lifetime adoptions..movies and a baby!, Discovery Happy Adoption Stories, the highly charged political abortion issue that has every right wing dufus from the Oval Orifice on thinking that adoption is the golden answer, we have Angelina and Brad collecting international babies, and PBS doing its “Celebration of Separation!”…it is shoved down our throats every five point three seconds. I thought adoption was “cool” based on TV movies and some weird ideas of my own at one time.

But back to the people who decide to adopt. Like I will use Max’s parents as an example. Seems like nice enough folks. Happy, married and they want some kids. So they adopt two. I think they probably did some research before and read some “Pass the Love” books to feel good about it, but didn’t really ever look into what it all means on a grand scale. And I think, once they got their two boys, they didn’t really think too much else about them being adopted. They just loved them and raised them and were what they wanted..a family. Did they need to think real hard about little old me…not really, it was closed, I was off in another state. I mean, I think they probably had some warm wishes for me every so often, but I was not part of their lives…so I was, and my feelings were forgettable.

The Adoptive Parent Who Understands Loss and Pain in Adoption

Anyway, often in the militant anti adoption circles, we do come onto the “understanding” adoptive parent. The ones who have adopted and then really get more involved. And some of them I think, really do get it. Like I see so many who do much more research now available online than ever before and I think that many do really try as hard as they can to emphasis with the birthmothers and their grief. I think many now are much more in tune with our feelings, lifelong, and are willing to do all that they can to remove as much as possible. But still, many will say, “oh, I am so sorry you suffered so” and then they will go ahead and adopt an baby anyway. Ouch.

But I know some, a mere few, who will not adopt again because they cannot contribute anymore to the pain and suffering of another human being no matter what they need, want and desire. I know some, who can see that their adopted child should have been with their natural parents. I was messaged by one who worked with a facilitator who admitted to me that she was selfish and they bought their last baby. And they will not adopt again. Those are the adoptive parents who I love and adore.

Anyway..I swear there is a point here! When the hardcore anti adoption folks meet up with a true understanding adoptive parent the discussion often turns to what now, after a final adoption, after years of a child knowing the adoptive parents as Mom, Dad and family, what to do? And some will say “Give the child back” That is how you prove you are really reformed, I guess. You return the child to the natural family.

I Cannot Demand My Adopted Son Back

One last digression. I love that I found my son. And let me tell you, there is no doubt in my heart, in my blood, in my soul..that he is MY son. Did he really belong here, as one of my clan forever, Oh god yes. Is he part of me, part of my children, part of my soul..oh yes. Is it a terrible sad thing that he was lost to us for so long…again, yes. But that can’t erase what did happen. I let him go. And he does have another family. Another brother, another sister, another father, another mother. He has shared memories, and a whole other life. And I know they consider him to be part of them, part of their lives, their family, their heart and their souls too. And you know what? They were suppose to! That’s what they were there for. Yes, I COULD have done it, but I was stupid and I didn’t. And they did. I can’t hate them for it. They loved my son. They love him still. And what is not to love? He is amazing, talented, unique, smart, handsome..my son.

I cannot expect them to ever really “give” him back. I expect them to respect our bonds, his desire for our relationship, and let us have a future together, but not to give him back. I expect them to share. I would want them to rejoice in our finding of each other but I don’t think they do yet. Perhaps in time. ( ETA; no, not in time)  Right now, I tend to think that they might have some “typical” adoptive parents insecurities to hopefully come to terms with. I expect them to allow him to freely pursue what he would like from my portion of his family. But I cannot expect them to give him back. Even if they saw it all my way..they were able to understand my loss, his loss, our pain. I still would not want to take him from them all the way.

To them, he is their child. And I would not wish this pain on my own worse enemy.

I could not ever be party in making this pain happen for another human being, another parent who loves their live child, whether adoptive or not. I cannot contribute.

But I will take all that they can share. I’ll accept as much as he wants, but I cannot demand it.
For then, I am no better than those who are thought of as true evil in the book.
Not on my own worse enemy.