A Horrible, No Good Very Bad Amendment Caused by Our Own Failures

I have to tell you a story which I really don’t want to tell for two reasons. One reason is because it is just horrible news for Adoptee Rights in New York and I wish that the opposite was true. The other reason I hate having to tell this is because  this does tend to go against my basic principle of calling out others in AdoptionLand. However, that preference of mine has gotten overruled by two other strong factors; one being the truth and the other being that so far, NOT saying anything has not worked and instead, as you will see, has enabled this disaster to take place.

Working on Adoptee Rights in NY

I remember going to my first real life adoption event; which was a great one day conference in NYC at St Bart’s Church in 2006. I was so thrilled that day to met others, especially other birth mothers, and also to find out that there was an Adoptee Rights lobby group in NY that went to Albany.  I made sure that I went and spoke to Jocye Bahr as she was heading UI then and quickly joined up with Unsealed Initiative. As a complete newb, I took my first trip to lobby in March of 2006. I can’t be 100% sure anymore, but I received notifications for a few lobby events that I was allowed to participate in.

The keyword there is “allowed” ; as soon after, I began to find out about lobby dates AFTER they happened or, often even more frustrating, the very day of, when I wasn’t able to make plans that quickly.  That I wasn’t getting notified was communicated to Joyce, for years, but still, the same thing happened over and over. Finally,  though by this time I had really strong lobby experience under my belt working with the ARC at the NCSL,  I got word that for some reason Joyce didn’t like me. I was told that I was “too pretty” to lobby effectively? Something that is just insane to me not to mention just stupid, so I brushed it off.  I would periodically reach out and offer help; You know, I can get to Albany in an hour, please let me know how I can help? You know, I am rather  good at this blogging thing, if Unsealed Initiative wants to have a blog, I can help? You know, the website really is kind of outdated now, if you  want, I can help?

It was obvious that my help was NOT needed.

Eventually, I stopped asking  if I could help as I saw that for whatever reason, Joyce didn’t want me to help.  And eventually, she knew I knew;  as a mutual friend “introduced ” me to her on Facebook and I, not seeing her name on the thread, replied that she wouldn’t let me help and didn’t like me for some odd reason.  I was never told why  and really, I didn’t sweat it too much. I don’t expect everyone to just love me to pieces.

After that, she relented a tiny bit; but most of my inclusion in NYS OBC happenings from that point on;  were because I managed to find out about events and made sure that I took part.  I continued to support Unsealed Initiative as best I could with sharing and promoting because no matter what the personalities involved, the goal was shared. It wasn’t about me or my feelings being hurt. It was about my home state of New York being the leader it should be for Adoptee Rights Legislation.  So I went to the  Brooklyn protest and wrote about it. I went to  the hearing and tried to testify for it.  I, like many others. Followed along Joyce’s lead and did what we could to best support her.  Granted, I was not feeling warm and fuzzy and could be critical, I still tried to not be overtly critical.

Then, last year at this time, at the end of the session, there was a last minute amendment to the NYS Bill of Adoptee Rights.  What is now called the “horrible amendment” was, indeed, a horrible “Mother May I Bill”  that was substituted without anyone’s knowledge and only by the grace of God (and medical marijuana debates that lasted long into the night on NY final  voting session) the bad no good horrible amendment did not get called to the floor or it might have very well been passed.  We avoided disaster by the skin of our teeth.

Why Are there Two Adoptee Rights Groups in New York?

However, the bad amendment really opened the door to many questions! Where did this amended bill idea come from?  Who wrote it?  How come our legislators were under the impression that it would be “good enough” because it would somehow allow reunions?  And did Unsealed Initiative have a part in this?

Now granted, the UI reaction was to immediately call to kill the amendment which clearly says that no, the president of the lobby group that had been working for years and building up relationships with key legislators was equally blindsided by the last minute substitution.  But that lead to the question of why were they also not at least told ahead of time? It’s kind of a sign of respect to have the stakeholders be at least told before you pull the rug out from under them.

Now at this point, there were several people on a Facebook conversation asking these very questions and trying to  figure out the answers; sharing knowledge and information gleaned.   What also was shared was  in this group of people was that most of us had  faced similar shunning from Joyce Bahr. Now, I can shrug off my situation as just a personality conflict. It’s not the most mature, but it happens.  Yet,  it really does seem that many folks, in dealing with UI, have at one point or another, faced a similar issue.   And what really became kind of clear was that here were a group of willing and intelligent true ASSETS to the OBC fight and all of us were  made to be left out on the sidelines at Joyce’s choosing;  that speaks of a bigger problem.

As we talked we realized that all of us had been quietly accepting the forced roles and not being allowed to participate out of deference and respect, in kind, for Joyce and her work with Unsealed Initiative.  Everyone assumed that Joyce had relationships with the insiders in Albany. It was assumed that  there was a benefit of experience. No one wanted to cause trouble by questioning “the powers that be”. No one wanted to create waves. No one wanted to seem like we were challenging another in AdoptionLand.   But who gave her the power to play God and rule over adoption legislation in NY and could we really sit back any longer?

But, it became clear, and more importantly, than personality issues, that NO ONE wanted to ever see this horrible amended bill come to the table again.  So when Cathi Swett spoke to the NY Adoptee Rights bill prime sponsor David Weprin and asked what supporters could DO for the 2014 bad amendment, he answer really lead us to believe that HE didn’t have any confidence in the NY group. It was then that a number of us decided that we could no longer just sit on the sidelines and hope that for Joyce Bahr and Unsealed Initiative got the job done.  So it was asked to Assemblymen’s Weprin’s office if there was an potential problems with having more than one support group for the NY Adoptee Rights bill. After all there was more than one Marriage Equality organization, etc and his reply was that “anyone could lobby”; and so, much like this post, no one really WANTED to have to do it, but it was done. New York State Adoption Equality was created.

Same Goal so Working Together?

It was decided very early on that while there as a need for another group on NY,  and we were very excited to actually DO something,  no one was wanting to be mean and stir up a hornet’s nest. There would not be any public display of throwing anyone under the bus. It’s a big picture/ working together kind of thing.. the goal is to pass the damn bill. So it was never about being “the one” to “save” NY or the power and glory. Just giving folks a choice.. and if one wanted to work on the NY bill and UI wasn’t letting you, we were going to be more inclusive and  thankful for anyone who wanted to contribute.  The website was created to be “happy” and inviting.  We would just try and do the best we could for NYS.

So of course the logical thing would be for the two NY lobby groups to now work together!  Really, at this point, while there was  a nod to the fact that we wondered how effective UI was, but still.. big picture here.. so  yes, Joyce was approached, a phone call was made, and the offer was put out on the table.. let’s have the two groups work together?

Her response was, and I quote, “Fuck you, asshole” and  with that Joyce Bahr  hung up on Cathi. I’m sorry but who does that kind of thing? Grown up professional people who are supposed to be leaders and advocates should not be acting like that! But we tried.. and that was the important part.. we could say we tried.   The lack of communication was on behalf of UI.  And again it was decided that NYAE would still NOT say anything “bad” about UI, but would just ignore them and do our thing.

Rye would ask me, before and after every trip to Albany this year,  if I saw Joyce, I could happily say no. She was there, but I didn’t see her. He was concerned about us doing work and her taking the credit, but as I told him  repeatedly, I didn’t care one bit who took the credit for getting NYS open in terns of Adoption records.  In fact, my response was that I would personally and happily place the tiara on her head when the damn bill passed. I did not and I still do not care HOW it passes but  a clan bill for NYS? PASS it must! There is no glory in this work. No room for ego. It just needs to happen.

Damage Control Becomes a Full Time Job

Now, much of our efforts went into rebuilding relationships with our bill sponsors.  We really focused on being active, professional, and working WITH them and following their lead to get this bill done. It seemed like NY really had a chance for once! The changing of the positions of power, the fact that our sponsors were so on board and making this a priority, there was so much hope!

While UI called for folks to flood  various offices, especially codes,  and demand a vote,  we worked on getting the sponsor numbers  in order to get the bill able to jump out of codes and to the floor.  We needed 76 democratic assembly members to  sign on in order to intact a “rule” where  it could just be voted on. More sponsor, urged by both sides, could only help, though the demanding phone calls didn’t seem to really help the cause.

But we’d hear funny things when we were in Albany.  Sometimes, being that there were two groups and we were not working together in any capacity,  both groups would have meetings with the same folks.  And sometimes they said things like:

“Is this the same bill you are talking about?”
“Why are you guys so happy? The other group was miserable?”
“After talking to them, I was  thinking that birth parents NEEDED to be protected from such bitter adoptees”.

We started to REALLY wonder WTF  was UI was doing? What were they  saying to legislators to make them feel that way? How is it that they were sitting in meetings for almost two hours with one legislators? Did they  just go on and on about reunion stories? No wonder some aids seemed really annoyed to have to talk to us after UI, but oddly they really brightened up  after speaking to us a few minutes.   It was becoming very clear that  whatever was happening was NOT helping Adoptee Rights in NY,  but possibly hurting it.  Yet, what was it that could be done about this?

And that becomes the quandary. If you say as one group that the other group  is poorly run and not doing a good job, then it looks like sour grapes and bad mothering due to ego and pissing wars.  You go after a leader with concerns and it becomes a power play when ideally, there SHOULD be room for EVERYONE at the table doing things their way.   By bad mouthing folks, even telling folks working, with the best of intentions, about concerns with UI, is bound to not be a good thing, right?   Kill the messenger and all that. And yeah, it does go against so much that I personally believe in.

So when members of NYAE met with the previously cast arch villain of NY Adoptee Rights bills, Helene Weinstein, and she was gracious, we even began to question where that information came from and considered the source? Could it be that the information was also skewed?  Yes, doubts were solidifying, but again, what to do?

Incompetence Spells Disaster in NYS

On June 2nd, both groups were in Albany.  Unsealed Initiative had a meeting with Assistant Counsel to the Assembly Speaker, Dan Salvin. The meeting was NOT authorized by A2901 prime sponsor David Weprin. We already know of other instances where Joyce directly told Assemblyman Weprin that “he didn’t know how to lobby” so there is a history of his good advice being ignored.  David Weprin told Joyce “nothing good would come of this meeting”, yet she did it anyway.

Aside from Dan Salvin being the second in command legally to the Speaker Carl Heastie,  he also happens to be the author of the 2014 BAD Amendment. You know the one that came out of left field last year? Yeah that bill. So it’s kind of like going into the sleeping tigers cage with a poking stick; it’s not a place ANYONE should WANT to be in. It’s clearly dangerous. Just as David Weprin said it would be.

I don’t know what in God’s name they thought they would achieve by having this meeting. I was NOT at that meeting, obviously, so I do not know exactly what was said, but to my understanding it did NOT go well at all.  I have been told that Joyce Bahr was unprepared, aggressive and confrontational.. which happens OFTEN? Again, I don’t know what was said, but there are reports that Dan Salvin was told that he “didn’t know how to write a bill” and “knew nothing about adoption.”   Again, given other rumblings and how I have seen her in action myself, this attitude does not seem very far-fetched to me.

I know there was an angry email that was circulated around afterwards about said meeting where another activist, who had attended with  Joyce, said Dan Salvin was  “too young”  and  was “an arrogant little prick” who guaranteed that the bill will not pass…..(saying)  NY is NY, we don’t care what other states are doing.”

And sadly, we now have the results of that meeting to contend with.

When You Challenge and Insult the Wrong Guy in Albany

When you tell man who wrote a  bill that he doesn’t know how to write a bill, you issue a challenge.  When you insult him and he obviously picked up on that, he comes back at you with the bill he wrote to prove the point.

And so, due to that meeting held by UI,  our formally beautiful CLEAN NY OBC Adoptee rights bill with a lovely and simple contact preference, has been amended to a version of the 2104 disaster.  This is what happens when you throw down the gauntlet.

So yeah, the HORRIBLE NO GOOD VERY BAD BILL has come back.  A2901 is now A2901A and it is just as bad as last year’s version with the change of ONE word..  the word “may” was changed to “shall”, but still there is NOTHING in this version of the bill that at all can be considered  an “adoptee rights bill” . there are many specifics about what is wrong with it that you can read about in more detail here.

Except it is ever worse really. All the many sponsors, phone calls and support that have been generated by both groups this past year for A2901 is still registered for the bad amended version.  There are still three more days of the legislative session in NYS. We must hope and pray that the bill now does NOT get called to the floor for a vote or they might just actually do it!

And then next year, because the session is two years, we get to wait a whole year and hope that this crappy version dies. So ALL the work down this year, must now be Undone. All our support become NOT supporting. And out messages just became the very opposite of everything striven for.  I am actually really struggling not to just cry over this.

And what is worse this time, is not that we have been screwed over at the last minute by some formally quiet legislator that came out of the woodwork, it’s not a known “enemy ” of adoptee rights that put on the breaks. This was an inside job; the pooch just got screwed due to the actions of “our own”.

And I will not hesitate to state quite plainly that the bad bill IS IN RESPONSE to THAT meeting. Cause and effect. We know this. It is fact.  NYAE was TOLD that the amended version was coming; I am pretty dern sure that UI was not told until now. Again.  We said we could not support it, but Joyce put David Weprin in a very bad position and now they are blaming him and shirking reality.  She is adding insult to injury by insulting him and we’ll be lucky of NY survives this at all.

Something is NOT  Working

Now, I KNOW.. I believe …100%.. that EVERYONE working with EITHER/ ANY Adoptee Rights group in the country and in NY has the BEST of intentions.  All conflicts aside, I even will say that I think Joyce MEANS WELL. And I think that anyone who has been helping and following her lead and doing what UI says to do is NOT really to blame, until this point RIGHT NOW going forward.

I don’t know if it’s fair or right to think that we “shoulda, coulda, woulda” voiced concerns earlier and louder. I feel somewhat responsible and bad, oh so very badly, that NY is up to this point again, but who can say if openly questioning that the UI leadership would have stopped any of this from happening? I don’t know.

But I do see now quite clearly that this can no longer be spoken about in hushed tones. Because now, it’s not just “personality conflicts” and  people being dropped form email lists and not “allowed” to help. Now, it’s a real BIG problem  that could very well make NY be a JOKE  as far as adoptee rights legislation and sets a HORRIBLE precedent.  NOW incompetence is actual hurting people.

So, I’m going to come out and say it: There is something wrong with the leadership of Unsealed Initiative under Joyce Bahr. Like there is something wrong with her. I don’t know what it is and I do feel sympathy and concern on a personal level, but all that aside, what she is doing is HURTING ADOPTEE RIGHTS IN NY.

And if you follow her lead, now after being told, you are just as guilty.

Last Ditch Efforts to Help NY?

Leave Unsealed Initiative.

Warn others that the leadership is failing and direct them to NYAE if they want to try and regroup.

Call your NY legislators and explain to them that A2901A is NOT an Adoptee Rights Bill and should NOT be voted on. But if it does come to the floor to please vote no.

STOP TRASHING DAVID WEPRIN!!!!!!!!

ETA At this point what Joyce is saying about  David Weprin  making the amendment happen is a complete falsehood.  It did not come down form him, but from the very office SHE met with. Please do NOT believe the lies.

Other than that, I am at a loss. I am sick and sad and now, I need to find tissues because I have started crying over this. I’m sorry. I was so hopeful. And now to see that a dashed to pieces with no hope until 2017. Yeah, going to go have a cry  now.