Dorie the Fish says it well, “Nothing in my noggin.”
I can tell you about how I found my hair dye. I can tell you how I got mad at my hair and hacked at it last night. I haven’t decided yet if it is a get some height and texture good thing or a moppy bad thing. I can tell you how I still haven’t delt with the laundry, but I did plant pansies and sunflowers. I have cute annecdotes of the kids, warm feelings for my dear Rye, and not much nerviousness over this letter tomorrow, but other than that..on adoption? It’s all a blur of thoughts that don’t mean much of anything.
There is that new bill going in TN that seeks to give the natural grandparents relinquishment rights. It is causing all kinds of a stir in our adoption internet land. I think I like the idea of the bill, but can see situations where it might be a bad deal? Good intent or knee jerk reactions..I don’t know.
I did do my Sunday night chore of updating the blog lists, so check them out..ever growing. I have to admit I was oh so thrilled by the coming of MSP to blogland. I had literally just sent her an email saying “You should blog” and poof…she had just started blogging.
I am fustrated by so much talk of reform, but gosh, can we start doing more than talking. I know it is a good thing when we are all talking about it. And maybe that is the first step, just getting everyone involved in adoption to talk about it and acknowledge a need for. Maybe I have just been takng about it for so long now that I am ready to get moving, and I have to wait for the rest of the world to catch up. Story of my life.
I guess what gets me too..is knowing so many who really want something to happen, but we are not all together on it. And I think it comes form being in so many different personal situations where our own truth gets in the way. People can’t subscribe to this group because it is too this way, or this place is good but they have reservations about this kind…that weird personal shit that keeps us all in separated little boxes…inactive, small, segragated little boxes. And it is hard, I know it. I fight it too. Working in groups has never been my thing. I hated group projects as a kid.I am better doing my own thing, but I have forced myself to get beyond that..mostly..or at least I strive to, for the greater good..of pure numbers somewhere. One voice..screaming loudly..for change.
I am fustrated as always by the thoughts that adoption can be a good thing. Like this quote here:
“However, I think young women do have the right to hear first hand…..but from someone who has experienced it…that it can work out if adoption is truly what they desire.”
Like I don’t get that thinking at all. Oh, I know I once did subscribe to that. I was a good poster child for adoption.But that becasue I just didn’t know yet. But really…now, nooooo..I don’t get that at all. How can anyone trully desire to be apart from their child? We might think we can or we need to, but..really…the things that make us go “It is for the best” are, to me, just survival mechanisms. And if one can get past that..and delve into the real stuff, no matter how much it hurts, then I can’t see that anyone really desires it.
And yet, I know that for whatever reason, there are women who do seek out others to adopt their children. So nothing is all inclusive of all individuls. Personally, I don’t feel that waling away from our children is normal nor healthy..and the desire to do that should be looked into as a real problem which, in my perfect world, society tries to find a solution to keep babe and mom together..even if it means mom needs and gets help. Yeah, some people will be just too damaged..but many are not. Some just need a dusting off, a bit of duct tape, some puffing up..and time.
Oh I just hate it all sometimes and I don’t know what to do. It all feels like not enough. Round and around in my head it goes…makes me dizzy.
see..nothing really good in my noggin.
Oh a happy note, Rye has decided that we will be getting vanity plates on our cars. He is very excited that he can have US Marine Corps Vetern Plates. Yes, he is and yes, I am 100% anti military/war..peace loving activist. We avoid political debates in this house. They are not pretty. But I digress. He is getting something ??? on his plates..and I am “allowed” ( I say that tounge in cheek) to get something adoption related for my car. So, I have to think of how to represent myself on a license plate. I definalty welcome ideas and brainstorming on this.
See..really mindless. Nothing. I am sorry.
I’m like you on TN bill. So far it looks just to me. Maybe it is a knee-jerk reaction, but another part of my anatomy is involved too (I guess you could say I’m a bit of a Tin Man), my heart.
(However, can’t miss the irony that in so many cases it is actually grandparents who help to engineer the the relininquishment, or at least witheld their support for keeping.)
But really, where the grandparents are willing, loving and capable, why should they not have the same rights as legal guardians? There are some gutsy, gallant grandparents out there who have fought to keep to keep their families together.
(Suddenly too, I’m reminded of those grandparents of the past who raised their children’s children “as if” they were their own, and prentended that parent and child were siblings. I know of a few instances. What a mess! But I digress.)
God speed with the letter. I really think it can do no harm and will likely do good. It’s clear that you have a real rapport with The Lad and that’s something that won’t be broke, IMO. I firmly belive there’s nothing more permanent that people who like and enjoy each other, and can have fun *and* be serious together. Looks to me like you have that.
I think the way to get moving is to do what you did and get out there and speak. And for those of us who can’t get out there (some of us really can’t) – to write letters. Each according to thir time and reponsibilities, of course. People lead such very differnt lives and some are freer to involve themselves than others. I really don’t know how you manage all that you do, with a brood. I don’t have the energy or time to do as much as I’d like and on the whole I abhor joining things (memories of Brownies. Ugh!). But I do write letters – sometimes even to the big ole U.S of A.
Not that anyone there cares what a Canuck thinks, eh?
I’m inclined to like the TN bill. Seems like there are probably a few little kinks to work out, but in general my gut reaction is that I’m in favor of it……
Interesting that on that thread it’s mostly aparents who are upset, rather than birthfamilies, eh?
Thank you for your vote of confidance in me.
I am for the bill as I think that more women will parent, because in all honesty I think that all they need is time and hope and if they are dealing with the grandparents they will have a harder time focusing on the adoption plan. I can think of a handful of women who if this had been in place would be parenting right now and I would not be in chat rooms or private groups hearing the heartache of wishing they had done it differently or asking how could I have thought it was best, how did I get myself in this mess.
TN bill. You know, I think I like the intention (if the intention is what I think it is) of the bill. But I feel I need to learn more about it so I can weigh possible negative consequences against the (,to me, more obvious) positive ones before I’m able to form any real sort of opinion.
I’d hate for a law to get passed that isn’t clean and loop-holeless, and actually turns out to be more damaging that what went before. Because once new laws get on the books they’re practically enshrined for all eternity and difficult if not impossible to repeal.
I can’t get over the furore “over there”, though. It’s so visceral! Sheeesh! But there do seem to be a few legitimate concernes expressed (among the general squeals of indignation)
O.K. Back to painting the front porch.
[[We might think we can or we need to, but..really…the things that make us go “It is for the best” are, to me, just survival mechanisms. And if one can get past that..and delve into the real stuff, no matter how much it hurts, then I can’t see that anyone really desires it.]]
EXCELLENT POST. No one wants to hear my *stuff* in my family because twice now I have considered “it is for the best.” When it came down to my fears and apprehensions and how my family was going to deal with my decision, suddenly it became very, very real. Saying “it is for the best” is a survival mechanism and when you are wrought with fear, fear of the unknown, you consider it. I had considered it.
Mind you, I never could do it. It is so hard and I never felt bad for changing my mind or rethinking things or looking at my children and thinking about their claim to their siblings or my parents’claim to their grandchildren. Which brings me to this Tennessee mess.
I think grandparents should have the right to stake a claim on their flesh and blood. It is that simple. Now, granted, being in crisis pregnancy mode, deciding on an adoption plan, the thought of my mother intervening and raising baby would be SHOCKING. But now that I am a mother to a 12 year old girl, within a few years, if [heaven forbid] my daughter becomes pregnant at 15, 16, even 20, if she considered adoption I would not have it.
I just could not imagine her seeing her life with me, and her siblings, and how she has been raised…her saying “I am not worthy of the role of mother.”
We just had an article here in the Duluth News Tribune about so many grandparents taking on the role of parent because some children’s parents cannot seem to get it together or they are incarcerated or whatever. Time and time again of all the grandparents interviewed, they were faced with the decision of 1. they take the children; or
2. their grandchildren get fostered out.
The answer of course was,
“That simply was not an option.”
I think grandparents should have a right from DAY ONE if they want that baby to stay in their family, they should have every right to do so. I think it is undermining two adult parents if they decide to place, but so it goes.
I think if I am a pbmother considering adoption, and if I am doing the placement for the *right* reasons (my absolute REFUSAL to raise a child -not financial reasons)then I think I would respect my parents enough to understand if they wanted to raise the baby. I would hope they would respect my decision to wanting to place.
I think this potential new law is necessary. So many times I have read about placements and the division it causes with mothers, daughters, aunts, cousins…relatives who did not even know *she* was pregnant but would have moved heaven and earth to raise the baby and keep the baby in the family.
Sorry for getting bothered about this. My mother is an adoptee who was ripped from her mother’s arms at the age of 2. She and her five siblings were fostered out and didn’t see each other — or know each other — until they were in their 30s. My mother thought she was an only child in an orphanage. She never knew the truth even when she was adopted at five years of age. It makes me upset.
Be careful. Getting a vanity plate for your car is a bit like getting a tatoo, albeit easier to change down the road. Its a big decision what to drive around touting on your vehicle. There is an easy way to be sure you really want to drive around with that license plate billboard. Create a vanity plate with any saying on it and preview attached to a car, at platevanity.com