Here it comes. I don’t know why I am surprised. It’s November. It’s National Adoption Awareness Month. Max’s Birthday is on Saturday. My due date for him was tomorrow November 12th. Into the Season of Max I roll.. Gotcha Gotcha Gotcha!
I feel the big cranky coming on.
Tuesday night when I found myself almost in tears over a pretty much a nothing conversation with Rye, I immediately thought “PMS?”, but that’s a tell tale sign because it feels like that.
Then, I have absolutely NO patience for the two younger kids. Granted working from home like I had to do on Veterans’ Day is taxing. They had a day off, but I had work to do and trying to write is kind of hard when they kept interrupting every thought the minute it formed in my brain. I had to eventually bann them from entering my office which really mean that they yelling went form ,” Please stop telling me about some person on a stupid cartoon show while I am trying to work!” to “Get OUT OF THE OFFICE!!”
I have yelled at my kids ALOT this week.
I have also noticed that going to bed ungodly early is pleasant and all I yearn to do is watch endless Law and Order repeats. Did you know that some nights, USA plays SVU ALL NIGHT LONG? And that even when it’s not Tuesday, one can pretty much load the remote to go from law and Order to SVU to CSI to NCIS pretty much till dawn without running into an infomercial. I got skills like that.
Alas, however, I know that for me, a urge to watch lots of TV means that I am going through a little depressed period. It means I am “off” the computer and not really into writing and would like to hide from my reality, thank you very much.
Yeah, the highlights of my week is that I watched America’s Next Top Model last night and the two girls I called as my favs are in the finals and I am looking forward to Project Runway tonight.
I wasn’t even that excited that Rye brought home Sushi tonight.. I actually believed him when he said he got Arby’s and wanted some nice junky fake meats.
Yup.. it’s coming. Nothing “feels” right.
Everything makes me cranky. I just want to be left alone. I want to haul off and scream at people. I want to shout out about how adoption is not great or wonderful or something to celebrate. I want to take enough sleeping pills that I can take a long nap.. until a few days before Thanksgiving.
I HATE THIS. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.
I swear I am NOT trying to think about it or work myself into a mess ort make something out of nothing.. it just is THERE Like a huge black cloud hanging over my soul…. like a low grade fever.. like festering boil.. like a rotting limb on a tree.. like a volcano building up pressure.. I feel it growing.
- Irritable
- Cranky
- Prone to tears
- Depressed
- Easily Flustered
Yup.. welcome to November
Go celebrate adoption somewhere else, please. For me, even 22 years after giving birth and relinquishing my son.. I don’t want this to be my life. I want a do over. I call foul. I call bullshit. I don’t want to play this game anymore. I don’t like it. I don’t want and it really is unfair that I have to do this crap for the rest of my freaking life.
God, I hate adoption.
I don’t know if my goals should be to get through the next week without completely losing it? Or should I just plan, as I used to for years, to just make myself get it out of my system in some cathergic manner. You know, take the adoption demons out of the box, let them fly around the room nipping and biting at me until I am trully a snivling pile of emotional go and fear for my own sanity? Thats aways the big question. If I cause the pile of goo then at least I have some contorl over the when and where I have the adoption related emotional breakdown. You know, so It wount be at the office or during dinner or something. Then maybe I can hide it from the kids and Rye? Secret myself away someplace.. maybe hide in the attic for an hour or two and lose my mind and hope they won’t notice?
‘Cept they never leave me alon for two hours at time.
How the hell am I supposed to plan my break down?
Next Friday Rye goes to Florida for two nights for his cousin’s wedding. Maybe, just maybe, I can hang on until then and THEN I can just let all the hurt and pain and pent up angst come pouring out? I am just afraid that I won’t make it that long. My eyes are already leaking as I type. It’s at the point now that the crankiness brings the recognition of the thoughts.. and then thoughts are bringing the tears.. and I don’t think that bad hyperventallation breathing is long behind.
Nope, it won’t be long now.
Twenty-two years ago, I anxiously waited to go into labor and give birth to my baby so I could “get on with my life”. The nice adoption agency was waiting to to wisk him away to his better life. I was wonderful and strong and selfless then and they all held my hand and patted me on the head.
Now.. it’s just time to feel it play out again and again…God I wish there was some way to NOT have every freaking November in my life be like this. It feels so stupid to have to yell at one husband IT’S FUCKING NOVEMEBER!!when he asks for the 18th time “What’s Wrong?”
It’s November. Nothing is Right about November any more.
Now please excuse me; I have some sanity to get out from under.
: (
Thinking about you.
-Rox
{{hugs}}
it rots, i know it does
I am so sorry. Thinking of you tonight.
I don’t know how often you are seeing Max but maybe it would be helpful for both of you to get together.
?
I know it was really nice for me to have my firstmom with me on and around my birthday.
I hope I am not being too forward in suggesting this.
I’m really sorry you are feeling this way.
I’ve personally always had a rough time in September as long as I can remember. Anxious, insomnia, illness and general malaise. Never knew why. Eventually figured out I was placed with my aparents in September at 3 months old.
It may have nothing to do with it. But I think it does. *shrug*
Just want you to know I am thinking of you.
Hugs. I understand. And your top ANTM favs are mine. But of course, that shouldnt surprise us. Love and peace to you dear Claud.
July is is my November…and I am truly sorry we both have to live this.
Hugs,
Denise
Sadly, I have to say that you describe it so well, Claud. Mid March to mid April is my season. I do try to spend some time around his birthday with him. I think it helps the both of us. Roxanne
I do this in May. I can’t imagine November… NAM, along with everything else. Indeed, adoption sucks. Always has, always will.
Feeling for you, Claud. January is my November and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I turned into a shrieking, freaking wreck every winter. I do the same thing you do: find a way to let it all out so it doesn’t come out suddenly or in public, and drown myself in television (sf, in my case–not much into lawyer shows).
Yes, adoption definitely sucks. 🙁
Thank You SOOO much for everything you have put out here – you are amazing! It’s a lot to digest seeing as though i’ve been in complete denial of what my adoption journey really IS. Thanks for blowin that wide open BTW 😉 Everything I read from you feels like I am reading my own story – my “Max” just found me last week thru Facebook! She’s 14 and her Mom doesn’t know – Very VERY intense, so I found my way to the Blogs and Boards for the first time EVER! I made my own Blog last night and added your RSS to my page – Thank You Claudia!!! xxxooo
~Mama Kris
Adoptive Mom’s Comment: I feel your grief, Claudia, more than you will ever know. Your site made me cry because I just can’t imagine how painful it must be. I adopted a little boy after his birthparents were killed in an explosion and the granmother was the only one left. She was so poor, and in another country. She consented to the adoption. She never met my son, never visited him in the orphanage. She was grieving her daughter’s death, shortly after the baby was born. We keep in contact, and I send letters and pictures. She has mucho grief and shame over not being able to keep this child. I feel her pain, too, but I want her to to know that she is welcome into our lives. I wish she were closer because I would welcome her into my life. This is my only child, and he is such a gift to me despite the unfortunate circumstances. So, can we broaden the term “adoption” to mistaken adoption or wrongful adoption or something, instead of encompassing the entire adoption arena? I think my son’s adoption was in his best interest. I love the book The Wild Thing and my son’s name is also from that book. I like your expression using the theme. Again, I hope you get through this with some compassion for YOURSELF. You did the best you could at the time. How do you know that this isn’t exactly the way it’s supposed to be in God’s big world of the Max’s? What if you did the RIGHT thing? What if this horrible lesson in life is exactly what your soul created fo you to heal some part of you that must accept this loss? What if your son wants you to be happy? When and how do birthmother’s and other family members forgive themselves?
How can I help this grandmother through her grief?
Claud…I know exactly what you are going through (obviously, not as a natural mom, but as an adoptee). I too have been uncharacteristically snappy with my kids…even down to yelling at them on Veteran’s Day since I was working from home.
You are in my thoughts..
Claud, were you able to see Max for his birthday, talk to him, give him a present? I have found that the depression around my son’s birthday in April (which used to be terrible) has lessened as I have more contact with him and am able to concentrate on his birthday as a happy event, like that of the kids I raised, and think about what to get him. We have an email only relationship at this point, but the fact that he has responded to recent gifts positively and initiated some contact, even reciprocated with a Christmas gift last year, has made a big difference for me.
Or maybe time has a lot to do with it, he is 41. In any event, at least for some of us, it does eventually get better, but I know what you are going through now because i was there for a long time, especially the many years my son did not communicate with me.