Since you seem intent on dicussing Max, I thought I would give you a whole post to yourself. So on a post that really had nothing to directly do with Max and his upcoing visit, you found the need to say:
Max landed in just the family he was meant to land in. No mistakes were made. You were the vessel through which he sailed to find where he belonged. You made the right decision, because it was never really your own decision to make. Life and families fall into place. D
Now aside from how insulting the “vessel” part is. I can take from this that you are one of those “everything was ment to be” kind of peoples. And I was just the “wrong” tummy..and God or whatever guided me to pick one random family over another to be there for Max. Really, I could swear, that I did make those decisions, but I guess your interpetation of an event that you did not participate in is better than mine.
Now, aside form all this being absurd and insulting, as this did happen, and I cannot change the past, there are certain things that I will agree with on one level. Max got a good family. He has a good life. They are still married, they have oodles of cashflow, Dad has a big important job, siblings were provided, education guarenteed, and what is most important to me….they did allow Max to clearly be his own person. He is a great kid..and as much as I do like to see the genetic flow in this..I can give them credit too.
They did 96% exactly what they agreed to do..and the few grips I have about contact..it’s NOT a huge deal to me.
In anycase, you found the need to say this next:
I do dare to say this for very good reason. “Your son” is not coming home. He already is home, just as your children are home. He is not yours in any sense of the word, because you gave him away and signed away all legal rights to him. He is with his family where he belongs. Enough said. This is a battle you will lose. D.
Ok so I will openly admit this kinda gave me the heebie geebies.
Now first of, there is NO battle. I am not trying to “take” him back..or deny the realtionship with his other family. I fully expect that to continue and be as good as it has for the reat of his life. If he had to choose, and lost either family connection, I would be sad and hurt for him.
I am sorry if calling him “my son” and saying that he is coming “home” is so threatening for you, but really..you assume too much. Get your hackles down, my dear. This is not his home as he has never even been here. “Home” is me..my world, my life..and a visit to meet us all and establish a face to face connection is hardley expecting him to pack up his bags and move in. While this house I live in is home, I still refer to where I grew up as “home”..I expect as Max goes to college, he will callhis dorm room “home”, yet still go “home” to visit.
Now granted based on legalities and such, I do know I have no legal rights to him but there is no need to have the law define a relationship between two adults. And as of now, and for all the future, he is just that, a legal adult. And I do claim him as a child that I gave birth to. I claim him as my blood. I claim him as a sibling to my other children. I claim him as my mother’s first grandson. I claim him as my brother’s nephew.
And what is most important is that he has also claimed the connections. If he hadn’t that would be a completely different story. But he has embraced us, and for that I am thankful and restored.
If it makes you feel better for me to say that the child that I leagally relinquished to adoption, now an legal adult, will be travelling from his legal adoptive parents home to have a first visit with his genetic heritage af his own chosing? With that preserve your delicate sematic sensibilities more?
Anyway..you say this with such conviction, and being that I am pretty open and public, that I wondered long enough if you were someone who might really have more than a random opnion. In fact it kinda shook me up..since I DO NOT want to have to see him be torn with loyalties or have to deal with drama by insecure players.
Granted, I was unimpressed that you did use his legal given name like you really did know something, but….. Luckily, your IP address: 72.73.73.126 traces to Reston, VA with a host addy of host address of pool-72-73-73-126.ptldme.east.verizon.net..so I hardly feel quite so freaked.
And since I do have both emails and phone numbers to report abuse, perhaps it would be better to not harass a momma bear by poking her with the stick of your convictions. For no matter what you might so confidently believe to be true, I will protect my own..all of them.
And there will be NO battle. Just a boy making a visit to see his other family. Like it or not, that is the nature of adoption..a child has two families. He wants to come. Our arms are open. So how is it that you are so confident about somethig that you were not there for and have no insight to?
Come on..impress me. This is your thread. All for you.
EDITTED TO ADD: Interesting enough..I just noticed upon further investigation that right before you logged in this AM to make your second comment, you searched directly in Google for Musings of the Lame..so you knew what you were looking for. Now right before you, Anon, logged in with Google..someone else logged in to Google seaching for “Musings of the Lame” also…long enough time to find me on your AOL account and then switch out to comment with Verizon perhaps? Now I say this because, the AOL account is from Dulles, Va. and the Verizon is from Reston..a mere 13 minutes away. Coinsidence? Hmmmm?? What I do find freaky is that I have actual real family of my own in that exact area of VA. Wouldn’t THAT be a kicker..in the throat!
And there was me thinking it was a holy person…..silly old me!
One really does wonder what lies in that person’s basement…a few dead bodies, poisoned cats from the noisy neighbours, publicity photos next to their demo cd’s that no booking agent had any interest in……and a huge massive 3D poster of Jesus giving them the thumbs up…..
It’s pretty sad that the person who posted is so insecure that she needs to spread her dis ease.
IN-TER-ESTING!
Hmm… I’m with you Claud… I’m smelling ulterior motive.
This is, as my youngest daughter would say, “freaky.” The energy it takes to purposefully seek out a first/natural mom blog for the purpose of making such a twisted comment is insecurity (if not pathologically) inspired.
How sad to view a child seeing his/her other mom as a “battle.” How sad for any children in this threatened individual’s life … that they won’t feel it’s safe to share/express love. (Sadly reminiscent.)
Hardly worth the time to address such comments, but maybe good for others to see there are people out there who say such things.
Nice one, Claud! Terrific response.
I was hoping you’d call her on it – and you did, beautifully.
Threatened, insecure and territorial person. I pity her and any adopted children that she may be raising.
The first visit to our home that my son made was surreal for me. I remember seeing him sitting on the case with his feet propped up looking really comfy and at ease.
The thought that went through my mind? He’s finally home – in the house that I live in – he’s where he should have been all along.
Sure he has another home too – actually several – but my home is now his too. He is always welcomed and loved in our home – and he knows it.
I was no “vessel” – there was no grand plan – I allowed my son’s adoption to happen – it should not have. Otherwise, maybe no one should practice birth control and take any responsibility for any aspect of our lives if God already has plans for all babies and everything. We circumvent nature by allowing our babies to be adopted.
If there is a master plan, why bother, we can just all sit back and do nothing – and let the whole universe control us, right? That’s bull and just something some adoptive moms NEED to believe.
Max IS your son – and don’t ever apologize for calling him that! Even 32 years apart didn’t destroy the bond my son and I have – and nothing society tried to destroy it worked.
Max will feel the same way – welcomed and loved and connected.
OH MY CLAUD!! You can SEE how many times I read your blog!?!?! How embarassing for me. I am a first mom who lost MY SON to adoption in 1987 to parents who think EXACTLY like the ANONYMOUS comment person. To the point that MY FIRST SON thinks that way too! To the point he threatened me with a lawyer if I so much as email him again. IT SUCKS!!! Your website and the links you provide, which I look at DAILY help me cope with this UNNECESSARY situation. Now that I think more about it, his aparents have used those EXACT words to him and to me – that is was ALL GOD’s PLAN. That is crap, sorry, but would GOD really have that in his plan, when it causes me so much PAIN on a DAILY basis, it has literally altered the person God intended ME to be. That boy was created for me to be his mommy, period. My body was ready for him, and his for me. I just didn’t know that then. IF ONLY…….
The only reason I leave this anonymously is to protect him. So I will sign with my adoption.com userID – inmyheart. I don’t even have the energy necessary to start my own blog. And too afraid I will be slapped with a restraining order and have to update it from a jail cell someday……..
I’ve been reading your blog for sometime and though it was a bit amusing to read this post, I think it was a bit conspiracy theorist sounding. Paranoid even.
The thing is, the ANON poster may or may not be an adoptee or a birthmother or not even part of the triad at all. Not sure if they identified themselves as such. Many people believe, and I do as well, that children, people, animals are where they are meant to be. This has nothing to do with being insecure or territorial but has more to do with ones spiritual beliefs.
I also don’t think those comments would make this woman, if she is/was/were/going to be a mom through adoption a bad mother. Dont feel sorry for her children, however they came to be in her life, because it is more likely than not that she is a fantastic mother/person. And they will see her that way as well.
JMHO of course. I do hope that you and Max have a wonderful visit. I am sure it is a very exciting time for the both of you!
Kim
Oh I admit it ia a bit paranoid..as I said it freaked me out quite a bit. I am glad that others can feel the same sense of something personal in these posts..so I dont feel completely paranoid. I am not a fan of looking over my shoulder!
So really, no matter who the poster is and whatever their/her/his deal is, just as long as it is some random..you don’t really know me or my son..then I am just fine..bring it on!
I guess at this time too..I would be very very sad if something was to happen and make what should be a joyful reunion and first meeting into anything less. Granted, I am greatly looking forward to it, but also I think he is too. So for something outside of “us” to muddy the waters…it gets me upset. I have much more to lose now.
Oh and I wanted to add..nice anon..noooo, I don’t really look and check out who else comes here and when..so don’t be embrassed!!
And if this place helps you out a bit to deal..well then, I will take some comfort in that. 🙂
You know what’s weird… commentors like that anonymous person are harmful to others as well. My Dh assumed his mother would be scared to meet his bio mom. Not scared but, have some sort of “issues.” Well so I asked her about it since he asked me to ask her (he was chicken) and she was all “wha???” as if she had no clue why he’d think such a thing. Well I’ll tell you why, because of comments like the anon who felt it necessary to put you in your place like you were some “uppity negro” and we were in the 1960s deep south. All the adoption language centering on “your real mama is who raised you, your real home is where you grew up,” that sort of thing. And it was *not* his adoptive parents who put it there.
Epilogue: The moms met, shared baby books and pictures, their life stories, gabbed all night long, and Dh felt like he may as well have not been there for all the attention they paid him 😛 Aside from the fact he was adopted under coercion (bio grandparents) and his bio dad being a bit tweaked now, it’s been good all around. They call each other more than either calls him (no kidding) and talk about stuff other than him. And he feels comfy in both their homes, refers to his bio brothers as brothers, etc. Strangely, he doesn’t call her “mom” (tho he calls her sons his brothers?) because to him that’s a “role”… however, he calls his mom by her first name as well. Go fig. See, this is what happens when people aren’t threatened. Healthy relationships.
(wkh from dawn’s blog)
And final relief…what Max says to anonyomous:
Naw, they got nuthin. Just a bunch of random assholes. Screw ’em. Me and my boys will swing down and visit them on our way to Bonaroo. Show them Max does what he wants. In any case, they’re no relation to me, so let ’em talk. Buncha planks is what they are
OOOOOOHH, anonymous, you got TOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nice one, Max – high five.
By your logic, “Anonymous from Virgina” you’re saying I was adopted into the family I was meant to land in as well?
So tell me, dear Anonymous – what, exactly, did I do to deserve being beaten, molested and emotionally ripped to shreds? What awful sin did I commit as an infant to deserve a lifetime of torture? Please share what my infant self was being punished for. I eagerly await your stunning (and presumptious) insight into what God does and does not want for us. You’re the expert on God’s motives, Anonymous – so please share.
I can’t wait to hear why God wanted me to be abused by my adoptive family.
ooooh heartened, you go, you go!!
This anonymous person was so arrogantly and cold heatedly in the wrong….I am just relishing them getting told.
Oh I say it again anonymous…you got TOLD!!!!
By the way, need I also mention that I most relate to my biological family? God, for whatever reason, allows a lot of hells to occur on earth. I don’t think he expects us to like them. We are perhaps meant to understand suffering and also to learn how to stand up in the face of people like you that would stamp out the dearest and most true parts of our hearts with out the blink of an eye. To stand up and say, this was not right. God allowed slavery to occur, do you think that was right? God allows infants to die, children to starve, people to get beaten and tortured and raped, wars to happen, people get stabbed and murdered. Is that all “right”? NO! Should we stand by and watch these things happen because God lets it? No. We are given the power to move, the power to change things in the world when we see they are inhumane and cruel.
It is not right. It is with great sorrow we look upon these things that exist in reality. Family members in the distance is just one of the many many sorrows that touch out hearts here on earth. But it is earnestly felt.
I may have spent many years away from my biological family, but I can assure you the heavens rejoiced when we were finally reunited, and they mourned with me the long years we were apart.
BLAM!
Claude! you always amaze me ;0)….c ya around
Great Response!
This “anonymous” post just made me mad. Max is YOUR son. You gave him life! So to say he is “not your son in any sense of the word” is just disturbing.
And as far as coming home….I remember when we went to meet hubby’s family for the first time. When that plane landed and I knew they were in that terminal waiting for him, my only thought was “he’s finally home”!
Oh yes, Heartened One!! It was ALL in God’s plan!! Just like my adoptive mother almost killed me when I ws 18 months old and then had to KIDNAP me from the hospital and leave the country! Don’t you SEE you silly girl! It has made us STRONGER!
REEEETCH.
Anon from Virginia… grab a freaking CLUE and try walking a mile in OUR shoes before you DARE utter such judgmental filth in a place like this again.
Bye the way…Manuela. You rock.
It seems to me the original anonymous was someone who had been adopted who felt conflicted or had been convinced of some of these things in order to be able to go on with life having both a birthmom and an adoptive mom. And I know from experience that my adoptive mom at least was very clingy, very posessive, and very much this way with me (an adoptee). She hated me to even talk about meeting my real mom….ouch I know I shouldn’t have put it that way, but no matter how much i loved my aparents i always thought of her as my “real mom”. No one taught me, that is what was and is still inside of me. So although I tried to believe, anonymous, some of the same things as you about vessels, and seeds on the wind – that is half true. But not the whole truth. in my case my life really was saved by being placed, but i still love and respect my lifemother for making the decisions she did and for who she is today.
Loved your response. That comment from anonymous certainly was a “jaw-dropper”. Sheesh!