I was reminded of an old mistake today. Granted, it was not a gentle reminder, but a let me shove this in your face because look you SCREWED up once too taunt, but I had completely forgotten about it, so it was a reminder for me.   And yes, I had screwed up.  And thankfully, I learned a very valuable lesson on internet transparency, trust, integrity and owning up to mistakes.

Considering that this person who dug up this past mistakes is doing so to try to hurt me, it might be more prudent if I just ignored this. There is a part of me that thinks “Damn, Claud, you are giving her too much credit even by writing this. It gives her some iota of power or whatever it is she is needing- at least  negative attention”. But really, in the bigger picture, it is simply a matter of the truth and since I am a fan of the truth, no matter what it is, I will do what I can to live by example and write about it.

I’m sure I am going to get some of these details wrong because it was really a long time ago and I can barely remember even though I have been trying all day.

The Story of PattiPanCakes

So I know it was 2004, because there is the “outed” thread. I just read the thing again and while I know there was a purpose to it all; I cannot for the life of me remember what it is! Sounds like a total excuse, but it’s true. See at that time, pretty much everything was still about “boards” in AdoptionLand. Obviously, Adoption.com was the king then, but after that MSN Message boards were the be all end all in communication.  And anyone could create a board, kind of like a group now on Facebook, and they could be secret, or members only or open. There was, no surprise, a hell of a lot of infighting and even more vicious battles between  those who loved adoption and those who hated adoption. Really, we have come a long way.

Anyway, there was one private very religious very pro adoption board where expectant moms would go into  and the group was run by basically adoption self facilitators. They’d be all like “oh adoption is so great, we love birthmothers, Oh, we are friends and you want me to take you baby!  well, Ok!” At that point I was still really a newbie. I had been on the boards and reading for since 2001, but it was a slow “coming out of the fog.” There was a bunch of older BSE moms who I looked up to and I know at one point a few of us were given a “mission” to infiltrate the religious board.. the idea being that we would somehow be able to “protect” expectant moms from adoption.  I know  I created  a birth mother profile that I used for that place, separate from PattiPanCakes, so I guess I was a multi-troll for a few weeks? Yes,  I remember the name! There was a “Ruby” too.

Patti was an AP according to the very detailed background that was designed for her.  I’m pretty sure she was supposed to gain the trust of other APs who already hated the real me? (I’m not kidding when I talk about the depth of the fighting that went on in MSN groups! Kind of like Twitter!)  I want to say that it was deeper than getting into the super secret adoptive parent group to see what they were talking about behind out backs, but I have a feeling it wasn’t, though there was also an AP that we were trying to befriend because of visitation? I really don’t remember.

I was  Lousy Troll

On any case, while I was very good at making up  the backgrounds and making sure I typed differently, I was super lousy at double checking to make sure I was posting under the right name and I totally messed up. Like almost instantly, I was outed.  I looks like I lasted all of 11 days? Maybe 2 weeks?

Now I can laugh about it now, but then.. OMG I was just mortified. And I should have been. It was a lousy stupid dumb thing to do. Oh, I could try to rationalize and say it was for a greater good, but really it is inexcusable.  At that point, I fessed up and came clean, though that is now lost on the now deleted MSN groups. I also never did sell out who else was infiltrating with me or who’s idea was it to begin with even though I was kind of hurt that I was left out to dry there.

Overall,  what was the  beginnings of what we now know as the adoption community, gave me a collective tsk tsk and there were several people that I really respected then who were disappointed as they should be.  I remember Jen’sBoys and I, later on, having a very frank discussion as it really rocked her trust in me. I’m sure a bunch of the others “old timers” from our Adoption.com days might remember it happening, too.  At one point here was even a post on an “Adoption Scam ” board, but it looks to be taken down now? I can’t find it anymore.

The good part about it all was that I did learn an important lesson. While I pretty much had always used FauxClaud for all my profile names since the get go, I never NOT used it ever again on my own. The whole thing was all rather ironic since, this was still back when NO ONE used their real names, but I thought the “Faux” part was hysterical as I was really me. Yet, the “fakes” had other names? OK maybe it’s not that ironic, but I am happy to say that I realized my error and learned how vital transparency is online.

Then I Was a Professional Troll

Oh, here’s the irony;  so after getting beaten with the integrity stick, fast forward to 2008. MSN boards are long gone and I have already been blogging for years. Because I am familiar with blogging and the internets, I am offered a position working for what will become the internet marketing company where I was the director of social media.  And a huge portion of that job (and all marketing online in general) is pretending to be someone who you are not online. After the PattiPanCakes episode, I had HUGE ethical issues with that part of the job. Even when Facebook first exploded and we were getting clients on, I was so freaked out because the FB TOS said you could ONLY have ONE profile. In the end it worked out fine as I just insisted on being the real me to do my work. So I would do things like I created Loehmann’s page off of my own personal profile, yet we still had to be what we called our “fake people” to do the client’s work. It was actually one of the reasons I eventually  resigned that position. I couldn’t stand pretending anymore.

Trolls, Truth and Lies

Anyway, it’s almost funny, though probably more sad, that now my ‘pal’ here, after we went after each other on Twitter for half the day yesterday   ( I know, I know. I’m normally pretty good and keep my patience, but it’s been months of ragging and lies and being poked with a stick) actually spent the time to Google “FauxClaud” until she found my ancient sin against humanity.  I know this is somehow supposed to hurt me because that is the intention at this point- discrediting me is a fun pastime, I guess?  I just repeat the Winston Churchill quote and know that trouble comes with the territory.

So, now the claims are that I am still pretending  to be Patti or haunting AP groups? Or “all these people” are “coming out of the woodwork” saying how I wronged them?

Yeah, that’s all made up crap. It’s almost amusing because it is so far fetched. And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that really, aside from trust, no one was hurt. Oh I understand the delight in the irony  of a troll reminding me of a trolling episode,  but that the only bit of truth to any of  it.  And it really wasn’t a big deal; just like this stupid drama isn’t a big deal either. It’s just childish.  No one cares who dislikes who. Nanenepoopoo. I hate writing about it at all because it is just a waste of time in the grand scheme of things and should be of no interest to anyone. But I do like to practice what I preach – so…

The truth is, that yes, back in 2004,  I did troll with a fake account or two; Ruby and Patti.  I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale and I got caught. I don’t pretend to be perfect and yes, I have made mistakes. And just like I have to accept the truth that I had a hand in losing Max to adoption, I can stand here now and say, yes, once I went a trolling. And just like relinquishment, it was not a good idea.

I actually like being me best and I do like having nothing to hide. In the end, the truth shouldn’t be something we are afraid of. It’s what we got.  If I can be out of the birthmother closet and deal with that, then I certainly don’t need to be hiding a stupid thing that I did 11 years ago.  So let the world know. I don’t care, but thanks for the reminder.