A Guest Post About Speaking Out on Adoption Truths

Laurie is another birth mother I know. Like many of us, she tried to  follow  the prescribed “Birthmother Rules”; to act the part like the adoption industry wanted, to hide her pain and loss because it made other people uncomfortable. Like many of us, Laurie has had enough.

What they told us about relinquishment was wrong. What they promised us was a lie. What we feel now is the truth. And it is much healthier if we speak out.

I am a mother, a mother that lost my child to adoption.

As time goes by, we can continue to cling to beliefs we want, hope, or need to be true or we can grow and accept truth as we understand the world more clearly. I used to believe that being strong meant being silent and putting on that smile… not allowing the world to see the pain. I will be the first to say that this assumption is wrong. It takes a hell of a lot more strength to face the pain and stand up for what is right.

Emerging from my adoption cellar was not an easy task.

I had to dig deep for some courage and also the strength to let go of who I was and to live as I truly am. My adoption was NOT a onetime event so many years ago that I need to just let go and move on from. It affects every decision and everyday life and always will.  Not a day goes by without it affecting my life in some way. Living life with adoption trauma is trying at times and it is not something I want anyone else to have to endure. This is the one thing I wish those around me could understand. It has and always will be in the present time.

I am so very fortunate to have a supportive husband and children that have always been there for me. They reinforce my foundation and they hold me up when it becomes too much for me to bear alone. The friends I’ve made along the way have also helped me find my voice to speak up. These brick walls that my relatives and society had built around me and trapped me in this dark cellar came crumbling down! They are the tools that helped me take the bricks down one by one.

I Will Not Be Silent; Do Not Dismiss My Adoption Trauma

Adoption trauma is difficult enough to deal with and the reactions of others will either help or cause additional pain. Unfortunately, not everyone was pleased that I came out. It’s one thing to hear those dismissive comments meant to silence you from strangers and another to hear them from relatives and friends. Although, strangers can be more tactful. It’s been very interesting to see who is supportive, who is not. Some are very supportive and even though I know that comments are made with maybe with the best of intentions, they just don’t understand what they are saying. Someone may think they are being kind, but their words sting. I try to keep this in mind when I hear them so this is just a vent of my frustrations.  Now that I’ve been out I can handle the dismissive comments much better than when I first emerged. I admit that they really knocked me down in the early days.

Maybe it’s just me, but I find it very difficult to be around anyone that would prefer that I remain silent about adoption… especially around those that are withholding the only photos of me with my cherished newborn. I don’t really care for explanations or excuses or even an apology. I just want my pictures, as would my husband and all of my children, they belong to US. My health and well being have been in danger and I find it near impossible to fix things. I want nothing more than to have a healthy relationship with my relatives, outside of the cellar. I know that I will probably never see those pictures. This is just one issue of so many, but if they magically appeared someday, it would be the beginning of mending a lot of hurt. I can’t really think of anything else that could do more mending than this. Nothing. I pray every single night that I will have them… someday.

Adoption Is Painful to Me

Somehow it’s impossible to look at someone the same way after they tell you that you are not your daughter’s mother or that you are so selfless for not aborting and ‘choosing’ adoption. When you hear how the adoption tax credit should be supported, your skin crawls because they can’t see the big picture (they only see how it will benefit them).  It hurts deep to hear stories of friends they know that adopted internationally. They can’t hear of the corruption of those sending countries nor can they comprehend how touring an orphanage is harmful. You begin to cringe when you are in the same room with someone that told you the story of how beautiful it was that their friends (paps) were in the delivery room and helped this young mom out. How coercive and sad that they invaded her at such a vulnerable time and stole their mother/baby time. Nothing can replace this mother/child bond. If they truly wanted to ‘help’, why didn’t they help her instead of helping themselves to her baby? Manipulators forging orphans for profit to fill a demand is simply heartbreaking. Yet they see this as beautiful and can’t see beyond the adopters joy. What about the mother and baby’s reality? How will I ever look at them the same way? I can’t. Every single story that I hear of another baby losing its mother is so very painful.

Adoption is Not Beautiful to Me

I hear story after story of adoptions of people they know. As IF I could just hear enough stories I would just SEE how beautiful adoption is for the adopters therefore making adoption ideal and I can be happy about adoption and see the beauty. I should just be grateful. Because, I guess, it’s all about the adopters. (Oh wait a minute; I thought it was about the child??) It feels as if some think I am the one that doesn’t understand adoption. Hmmmmm I am the one living it! Yet, my voice doesn’t matter since it doesn’t line up with their beliefs.

Do they actually believe that I am just some rare anomaly that had an unusually bad experience? My experience was more the norm, and that is THE point. The strange thing here is that not one of them KNOWS my story, or ME for that matter. My parents, friends, relatives were not anywhere near the agency or courthouse. Their OPINIONS are not my TRUTHS. They just wanted the problem to go away…

It’s impossible to enjoy being in the presence of anyone that believes that I lost my daughter to adoption because it was God’s will and I obviously shouldn’t question his work. Impossible I tell you! Would they ever tell someone that their infertility was God’s will and they are going against his will by taking someone else’s child? Of course not!

How do you remain calm when someone believes adoption is about unwanted babies and not supply and demand? My beautiful daughter was desperately wanted! I think it is more about unwanted mothers meeting the supply for the demand. I’m so tired of hearing the agency propaganda recited justifying the needless separation of mother and child.

It really amazes me how passionate some individuals are in saving fetuses from abortion yet they do not have one ounce of compassion once the child is born. One day, I promise I will snap when they insist that adoption is the cure to ending abortion. I promise! I am sick of hearing it…

I Am My Own Expert on My Adoption

I would never confront others on their life. I wasn’t there and I don’t know why things happened the way they did. It’s just not my place or any of my business. I don’t claim to be an expert on their divorces, abortions, infidelities, habits, etc. Yet, for some reason, they seem to be experts on MY adoption. I just love it when people are so adamant that they know ME. Really? They KNOW that I am just holding onto resentment for a onetime event so long ago, they know that I just need to forgive and move on, they know that I just need to get over it and am such a pity. They insist I should just be grateful. They try to silence me at every turn. They don’t KNOW me at all. I had to be tough throughout my childhood growing up with PTSD and I am even stronger today. I refuse to be silent so that they can remain comfortable. They believe that because they know one person that is adopted and they are just ‘fine’ with it that that is the norm. Just because someone doesn’t trust you enough to speak their truths does not mean they are ‘fine’ with it.

THIS is why I had to speak up.

I was giving the illusion that I was ‘fine’ with it. I was not going to my grave, like my grandmother before me, in silence giving a false illusion. I have 20 years of silence built up and it IS coming out, one way or another. It may take awhile for me to get it all out of my system! This is trauma plain and simple. PTSD isn’t about what is wrong with someone; it’s about what happened to someone. Moms of loss and adoptees live with this trauma regardless if society wants to believe it! Silence only perpetrates ignorance and it aids this corrupt industry doesn’t it? Everyone should be allowed to live true to themselves. I have been silent long enough being the good Bmommy and I refuse to go back into that awful cellar to make anyone comfortable. It is time for me to live my life without tiptoeing around the ignorance of others. No one has to listen to me, that is his or her choice. I don’t have to listen to the adoption propaganda that is very triggering. I have walked away from it when it causes too much pain. Now that I am at peace and completely out of that dreary birthmother cellar, I can handle it! Bring it on!

I Have an Obligation to Speak Adoption Truths

Wouldn’t change come about if we, as a society, actually shared what is happening in the world? I don’t mean just adoption, but any injustice and unethical practices in the world. I think we have become so accustomed to horrid practices that we look the other way because well, what can one person do? Just ignore it and move on seems to be the norm. If everyone shared and made more people aware, wouldn’t things begin to change?

I am forever grateful for coming out of that dark cellar. Coming out has brought the strength I needed to let go of some and to truly appreciate others. I no longer have to pretend and hide my trauma and that alone brings peace. I had not realized how much energy it used up! It has done wonders for my health and I have absolutely no regrets. It is so true that the truth will set you free!

I speak out about adoption, not because of ‘poor me’, but to bring awareness of what is happening in the world with hopes that unethical practices will end. How can changes come if our society has their head in the sand? When I talk adoption it’s about the future. I want adoption, a 13 Billion dollar corrupt industry to disappear just like anyone else with a heart. I am not the ONLY one. I am in complete awe of those working so hard to bring awareness, ethics, and reform to this unregulated industry. Emerging from the cellar is worth it!