The Adoptee Birthday; A Day of Beginnings, a Day of Endings, and Where We End Up Going

Before I searched and found Max, I used to write him a letter every year and shared it on the early AdoptionLand message boards. Sadly, places like MSN Adoption, Adoption Insights and Anti-Adoption Insights are gone and so are my early letters. Since finding Max, I haven’t written a letter and posted it because I do not have to. I can now text my son, or leave the required message on his Facebook page, or call him and talk to him directly. I also keep copies of everything I write on my computer as well. I hate losing things.

Adoptee Birthdays; Adoption Losses

So, today is Max’s 26th birthday. I have not yet sent the text, or left the FB message or called him. I have sat on his FB page like 4 times and half written stuff and then left. Why? Not because I fear rejection or anything, but I am ever so cognizant of the fact that birthdays are often difficult for adoptees even if he has not expressed that. Still, I have heard enough of my adoptee friends talk about it to know it is true. I hesitate EVER saying “Happy Birthday” to an adoptee and have been morphing the message into “I am glad you were born” ( which sometimes feels too “Pro-life” for this Pro-choice girl) or “I am happy that you are in this world” which is kind of harmless and expresses my feelings about them while allowing room to feel whatever the adoptee does feel about their birthday.

That internal debate got me thinking today.

I know, because I have been told,  how for an adoptee the birthday brings sadness and can focus, instead, on the day of adoption separation.  Also know that there is guilt, even if the adoptee is a generally “happy” person that their very life and existence could have caused their first birth mother pain and loss. I have often thought before that it must be hard to be MY child as I make it my business to continually talk about that loss and pain in the public.

Worries of a Public Birth Mother

Now granted, Max has, to date, always supported my work, though I don’t believe he reads everything which is probably a good thing, though he certainly could if he wanted. I do not hide anything and I have  often acknowledged that I must be a complete birthmother nightmare for his parents. However, I am just assuming how they might  or might not feel about me and therefore I can only go by what he says.   One of my favorite quotes from him has been “Give them hell, Mom” when speaking about legislators and fighting for Adoptee Rights. Still, I worry sometimes, as mothers do.  I worry more, as birthmothers, do. Does he really feel that way?  Is he just saying that? Is he a people pleaser? Does he know he can be honest with me?

I have been known to ask other adoptees, who I trust to be completely honest with me, how they think they would feel if *I*, the public-constant-adoption-in-your-face-Claud, was THEIR mother, and thankfully, everyone has always said that they would be happy to have a birthmother fight against adoption corruption.  Which is good because I don’t know if I could stop even if I really wanted to – though I have always said that only Max is the one who could say “Enough” and I would heed that.

Where The Path  After Adoption Takes Us

Anyway, here it is his birthday and I am busy watching the response to the Portrait of Adoption piece that was published today and I can’t help but worry that, again, can this be interpreted by Max as a sad thing? Do I spend too much time talking about the grief and pain and loss from adoption that it could take away from  his personal existence? Like it’s HIS birthday and yet in AdoptionLand, it is MY day and I am getting tons of messages and support. Like I always say that adoption was the biggest mistake of MY life, but that is not encompassing HIS birth. So again, more adoption complexities..as I struggle to keep my mind in the present of today, rather than relive the sadness of the adoption relinquishment, I know it is normal for a birthmother to feel sad today over the child lost, but I do not want that to translate into:

“If you had not been born, I would not be sad.”

I do not regret having Max at 19, I regret that I relinquished him to adoption. He is not the mistake, calling the adoption agency was!

So that is on my mind as this new public piece is doing exactly what I wanted it to; building new bridges    and getting tons of attention. Plus, I am getting a huge chuckle every time I read another person saying  that the post is “not anti adoption”.  It’s all in the delivery folks! The message can be heard depending on how it is translated. As sad as I can be, as a not healed birthmother, as outspoken as I am; I am pleased to be doing what I do and living this life that I have.

And it was this day, Max’s birthday, that began the journey.

Granted, it has not worked out as I was told it would by the adoption agency. Granted, I never thought I would become an adoption activist. Granted I never had any intentions to be a writer and there were no such thing as blogging or even websites back in 1987. Granted I would rather NOT be a birthmother, but if this hadn’t have happened, then none of this would be happening.

I Celebrate My Son’s Birth

So with that; today, I shall find reasons to celebrate. My son was born 26 years ago today and though  was separated from him for 19 years and 111 days until I saw him again, his birth is known and celebrated among many people he doesn’t know. A whole community thinks about him on this day and it was his birth that started it all.

And as I was writing this, there was a comment on Facebook said by Sally that perfectly encompasses the thought and has brought happy tears to my eyes

“For Max …happy birthday ..your life changed lives for many generations. Be proud of yourself and your family!”

I don’t think he has really any clue how his life has really touched so many others. And so that is my message for my son today; no matter how sad I feel about losing you for so long, know that I am happy to be doing this now and yes, the love for you was the inspiration and always the foundation. So today, we celebrate the day you came into this world.

I am very glad you were born and I might even eat cake tonight. Wish you were here.