The Ghosts of Adoption Pasts Overtake Me

My due date was yesterday November 12th, 1987. I am in the midst of my season of loss and know how I will continue to feel until my Gotcha Day has passed and I somehow mentally move on to “normal ” things like Thanksgiving.

All too well, I remember with that weird trauma induced clarity what I was doing 25 years ago today. I woke up to find that “something” was going on. My water had sprung a slow leak and I knew the time had come. I recall going to Star Market and going food shopping. I know what the box of turtle brownie mixed looked like in my hand. I remember being cold in the ice cream isle, picking out flavors and wondering if that was a contraction? I know it was a Friday night and Dallas was on TV and Aerosmith was playing in New York City.

While my best friend, Laura, went to the concert, in Boston  I went into labor with my son. On Friday, I go home from the hospital. On Sunday , I sign the irrevocable consent forms in some dark office. On Monday my mother comes to pick me up and we drive home to New York and I begin my life as a birthmother.

A Birthmothers Journey

So much regret and yet so much joy has been packed into the last 25 years; I find it hard to take it all in. When I came online almost 12 years ago, I was still so alone a as birthmother. I can truthfully say that without so many people that I have met, both online and in real life,  the course of my life has been forever altered, but in such a good way.

• MY “adoptees” who opened my eyes and spoke for my Max: Peach, Kali, LittleBit Jen
• The moms who gave me my first dose of reality; Cedar, Robin, Sandy, Chris, Karen
• Julie for making the place where so much came together.
• Phoebe whose blessing and friendship helped me believe that I could reunite successfully.
• Jordan and Sarah who, by letting me help and parenting their babies, made me realize that I just do not want to see another woman live with this pain.
• Connie and Laurie who gave me friendship and encouragement me to speak out and be active.
• Jamie, Hagar and Peach who searched with me on those three incredible days when we found Max.
• EVERYONE who cried with me as I shared the first words from my now found son “Holy Smokes..mom?”
• All who waited as I traveled to Boston to met Max for the first time.
• The early Bloggers; Suz, Aimee, Nic, Barb, MPS, Heather, Rox, Sunny, PoorStatue, KimKim and  Marley who lead the way to this new medium
• Cookie who got me to go to my first real life event and actual met people face to face..and my friends who came later.. more real life birthmothers.
• Friends from SOFA: Wraith, Saph, Mia, Kippa, Joy, Jen…oh I’m forgetting so many! Forgive me.
• The Amoms who were not afraid; Deb, Margie, Judi, (Oh I miss Judi!) Marcie, Lorrin,  ..yes and so many more who HEARD me and listened..so many more!!
• My Favorite Bastards– you know who you are!
• My Muahahaha girls..lurkers and commentors…oh the list goes on and on…I wish I can remember all the names, all the faces, all the avatars, all the places.. but know that I thank you..I love you.. I appreciate you all.
• Can’t forget Rye, who brought the computer into the house and created this monster. Thank you honey.

If it wasn’t for you all..even a small part played, I don’t think I would have searched when I did and found my Max. I would be marking 25 years waiting, not knowing, forever in exile. I would not be writing, I would not be working, I would be still so alone. You touched my life.. you have all helped me.. even the ones who put me down and taught me how to be calm and clear…I am forever grateful. You are my silver linings.

Adoption Twenty Five Years Later

So here it is. It’s been twenty five years since I relinquished.  It was that act that was supposed to allow me to continue on as IF I had never had a child, given birth, become a mother.  We all know that one piece of paper means nothing and changes everything. I actually just went up to the attic and got out my age old pamphlet that was sent to my from my agency.

How Will I Feel After I Place My baby For Adoption?
“Every woman is different. But it is normal to feel sad, even if you know you have made a right choice. You may think about the baby and how it is doing for a long time. But knowing your child is part of a stable, secure and loving family, can help give you peace of mind.”

I’m still waiting for that peace of mind. I am pretty sure I lost that piece a long time ago…like about 25 years ago.

Here I am, 25 years later and adoption has been the single most life altering instance upon my life. It still continues  to this day.  If it wasn’t for adoption, I would not be here. This is a simple fact. I would be getting ready for my son’s birthday. He will be 25 tomorrow. We would have cake. Instead, we will text him and hope we can get in a call.

Join Me on Huff Po Live Tomorrow

And tomorrow night at 7pm I am scheduled to appear on HuffPo LIVE to  talk about, you guessed, adoption.  I would suggest a drinking game based on “Will Claud Cry?”

I just want cake. A nice normal cake and to see my son again, once, on the day that he was born.