Time to Retire This Adoption Shirt Design and with Good Reason

I think it was back in 2006 when I made up the Crack Whore Birth Mother t-shirt. I can’t tell you what exactly I was thinking, but I know I wanted to have something that had shock value and directly confronted the stereotypes about birthmothers.   And indeed there was great debate over the shirt the first time out; really read the comments!  I liked it then. I had no idea that it would be something I would be known for and demands for me, wearing the shirt, have been constant in most adoption related events ever since. I have two of them and I almost always pack the one without the coffee stains when I travel. In the past,  I have joked that when one goggles “Crack Whore Birth Mother” my pictures comes up.

Earlier this week, I received an email from a woman in the midst of finalization an adoption and that feeling of pride about the CWBM shirt died an immediate death. In fact, I was so moved by the truth of what was said to me that I cannot wait to finish the job and literally kill the shirt.

It’s got to go.

The Message that Kills the Shirt

I would like to share some parts of the kind message I received. I am editing out personal parts and paraphrasing other bits as that was requested.

And yes, you did read correctly; this was a message from a pre-adoptive mother.  A mother who is adopting an older child from foster care who is close to aging out  and really needs  that permanency; exactly as adoption should be. From other things she wrote I feel clearly that she is one of the growing many who “get it” and is part of the solution, NOT part of the problem.

“My  child’s mother is a crack whore.  She abused crack, heroin and alcohol and prostituted herself to support her family and was arrested possession and sales of drugs, and prostitution. She is also a human being and a mother who was doing her best.  Her best wasn’t good enough.

When you sell a shirt like that, it sells short the humanity of other mothers.  It says this first mother doesn’t not count because she struggles with addiction and mental illness.  She isn’t less than you because her story is different.

And my child, who might one day come face to face with your shirt some day, isn’t less than your child because of the circumstances of her birth…  How is my child supposed to feel if one sees you wearing that shirt?  You may not be a crack whore, but people are, and their stories matter.  They should be treated as people, not stereotypes or symbols of a broken system.  They should be treated with compassion, not as bad examples.”

It was longer. And truthfully, more moving, but you get the idea. All I could do upon reading was literally hang my head. She was right. So damn right. Her head was way more in an adoptee-centic place then I dared to go. She dragged me there. I was not going to  kick and scream. I wasn’t going to make excuses or try to rationalize it.

And so I immediately wrote her back and told her so. I agreed and promised that I would, indeed, retire the shirt. Didn’t even TRY to defend it.  She was so damn right.  This shirt wasn’t helping break the stereotypes about birthmothers. It was instead acting in judgment and damning anyone who didn’t fit into OUR birthmother mold.  It was helping to classify another  subset of mothers to that “other” status. I was making “others” out of mothers who still have loss and pain and grief. I am actually quite embarrassed that I didn’t even see that before and I am thankful, oh so thankful, that she took the time to write me and tell me so.

We need a NEW and IMPROVED Shirt- One I will be PROUD to Wear

So the original one said on the front:

So not a

CRACKWHORE,

Not just a

BIRTHMOTHER,

not a family building angel, nor a saint,

nor a selfless strong girl either”

And then the back says:

“Just a MOTHER

missing her CHILD..

adoption separates mothers and children..

no one would choose an eternity of this”

The rest of the message is fine and on point, so I COULD simple change out bits like this:

So not

BRAVE

Not just a

BIRTHMOTHER

nor a family building angel, nor a saint, or a selfless strong girl either, Etc.

Not a Brave Birthmother

And then the larger words would still read BRAVE BIRTHMOTHER which still, in fact even more now, plays off the adoption industry message with the often ignored,  painful truth of adoption relinquishment spelled out clearly. I will be changing the font. That part  annoyed me before anyway, but I was didn’t have the time to afford thinking about it.  I am making the time now. I have to. I want to.

However,  those were MY words years ago.  And as I keep saying, I don’t do this all anymore based on MY POV.  It’s not about just me. It’s about ALL our voices. So,  I would welcome your thoughts.  What should the replacement shirt say? What would YOU want to wear? What should I be wearing?   Tell me and then I will have fun on Photoshop, coz this shirt? It’s outta here!!

The official and infamous Crack Whore Birth Mother t-shirt is leaving AdoptionLand forever. Say goodbye. It has served its time, turned some heads, had its day, but that time is over.