What Happens When a Birthmother “Wakes Up”
The truth can be a very sharp sword and sometimes, it leads me into a quandary and I feel like a very cruel warrior at times.
I talk about the realities and feelings of the long term ramifications of adoption loss. It is one of those things that I know the agencies don’t touch when preparing potential Birthmothers in “making an adoption plan“. They don’t tell you that you will feel the hole in your heart forever. They don’t mention how it will feel to raise children afterwards and know that someone is missing. They don’t tell you what you are suppose to do when with all the clarity of a religious epiphany you first realize that you could have done it, you could have raised your lost child, and the adoption was needless.
We Call that the WTF Moment in a Birthmother’s Life
I call that the “WTF” moment.
When suddenly you go “WTF did I do??”
“WTF was I thinking?”
“WTF I gave away my own child?”
and you ask yourself..Who AM I???? To DO such a thing!!!
POP!
That’s the bubble of your adoption fantasy popping.
I do believe that many adoption agencies don’t want you to get to that moment, at least not until it is way after the signing and the revoke period. They give you the tools, the sayings, to whisper to yourself alone at night when the tears keep coming. We call that Adoption Kool-aid.
- “It was for the best”
- “What else could I have done?”
- “He/She is so happy”
- “They love her so much and they are such great people”
etc, etc, etc…you know the drill.
You form a bubble.
Playing by the Birthmother Rules
And that is the role of a “happy birthmother” to be content and at peace with their child’s adoption. To announce to all that they have no regrets, great love and faith in their child’s parents to honor the commitment to openness and their child’s best interest, to be thrilled with the ongoing relationship of family, to say that they would do it again, that while it was “hard” they had a great counselor and support, and not everyone feels “so bad”. Sometimes I feel it is implied that they are different, they are stronger than those who speak openly of the pain, they are immune. I have women tell me that they “will never regret it”. Yeah.
Now, I know women are all different, and not everyone is wired the same way, and I HATE the word denial, but…..I walked that walk and talked that talk too. I had 14 years of peace and acceptance, until I dared question the truth of it all and I was made to do so by it being shoved in my face on the online adoption message boards back over decade ago now. It sucked.
Now if you don’t think, you don’t question, you don’t examine it for real..then yeah, you can be one with “no regrets” But is that real?
A lot of it, I believe, comes with time. That we spend a lot of our lives doubting what we are capable of and self esteem plays a huge part in relinquishing. Doubting your innate ability to be a good mother by whatever standards you hold is a huge core of deciding to place. It is only as life keeps throwing us the crazy curve balls that it does and we hit them hard into the stands, do we see that we always had a good strong swing.
Sometimes, it comes with the birth of a second child that makes us realize what motherhood means, what was truly lost, what is gone forever.
Sometimes, it just comes with maturity. We become less self absorbed and see what we decided does not just effect us, does not just “build a family” that makes us feel good, but that the loss continues to grow and effect others in our lives in ways we could not see.
I tell the pregnant and considering adoption to look beyond the immediate. Not just at NOW, but at later.
The Ripple Affects of Adoption
Relinquishing a child to adoption is much like dropping a stone into a pond.
We might not see value in the stone right now. It might feel heavy and make our arms ache though it is so pretty and we look at it in wonder, we only see the outside, the visible ..but inside there is a world of crystals, of beauty and light. We are told that the crystals deserve more than just existence in our grubby hands where we pulled this stone form the earth. That the water will be the only support that it needs, that only the water can bring out the beauty. And so we let it disappear beneath the water. Just relax your hold, let it go. Simple. Easy. It slips away. And once down below the surface, it is gone forever.
We watch where the stone went into the water. We didn’t throw it in anger, or haste. It was planned, thought out, and gentle as could be. And if we only look at that one place in time, that is all we will see..just a level smooth surface of a shining body of water..and somewhere, down below, if we don’t breath too hard, or disturb the surface by being grabby or kicking our feet in distress, we can see the shiny colors of the stone below the water line. So we stare hard, being quiet, for a glimpse of our beautiful stone.
If we just keep staring on that one place, you don’t see the ripples. But it is the ripples that rue the day. No matter how carefully you dropped that stone into the water, you disturbed the surface and broke the calm. The ripples continue outwards from the center, ever growing bigger, circling larger and larger, and you can’t stop the movement of the water. If you try to hold back on side of the ever growing circle, you only warp the shape, and the other side slips though your grasp. Sooner or later, something is going to hit the shore. And you don’t know if it will lap gently like a quiet pool, or roar like a destructive tsunami.
It is much easier to stare at the surface, suspended in our safe little bubble.
No matter how you say it, sometimes they just don’t listen. And you watch with heavy heart, knowing that someday they will look at the ripples.
I ask people to look at the ripples. Before they place, because that might scare them enough to hold that stone and claim the crystals for themselves. But afterwards too…for I admit, I think that the “happy birthmothers” who walk around saying that “adoption was a great choice and I have no regrets, etc” are like walking talking billboards for adoption agencies Any considering mother is inspired by the happy stories and imagines, too, that they will be one of the lucky ones.
But we all know that they lucky ones still have suffered loss, they just choose not to see the ripples yet.
Life After the Ripple Effect in Adoption
So I do see it as very important to guide others to see the true effects..to stop being the walking talking billboards..to stop the vicious cycle.
But, wow..it sure sucks to watch that bubble pop.
And I feel guilt.
And we all know..once that bubble pops, it disappears into thin air, and you can’t crawl back in. You are hovering over the water over that quiet spot in the water in the happy adoption bubble, and I make you pop it. ( OK not just me, but this is about my feelings, my guilt) And you fall into the water, with a huge splash and get all wet. And now the ripples are huge, and you are cold and angry and wet..and you still can’t get that beautiful stone back..even though you went below the surface.
God, it makes me hate adoption even more.
I have watched quite a few pop in the recent years. I have watched them fall beneath the surface, watched them flounder, struggle, choke on the water. And the sad part is..I have no life raft, no warm towel to envelop them in, no way to pull them on the shore. I can stand here waving, telling them that there is solid ground, but they have to swim themselves.
And once on the shore, there are always the ripples.
Damn the ripples.
Ok darling Claud…
First of all, don’t feel so guilty. (Right, like it’s that easy, I know. But listen.) While you might be AIDING in the “popping,” (which is a good thing, b/c as you say, we need to break the cycle), a woman deadset in denial isn’t going to all of a sudden wake up to the truth based on ONE thing (ie, you). You might be a part of her awakening, but you don’t need to take full responsibility on yourself.
Second, this part: “And the sad part is..I have no life raft, no warm towel to envelop them in, no way to pull them on the shore. I can stand here waving, telling them that there is solid ground, but they have to swim themselves.”
I’m going to disagree. Remember when my bubble “popped,” and I started drowning… and then, slowly, started feeling the need to swim… I asked you if it was “okay” to heal, to let some of the anger and bitterness and sadness go, or if that would be “selling out” and denying the wrongness of what happened…? Do you remember? (Maybe not, but I do… and I will always remember your reply.) You told me that it was ok to heal, that it wouldn’t mean going back into denial. And that WAS a lifeboat for me. Your words, as someone who had been through it already, as someone who I respected, gave me “permission” to start swimming to shore.
And for that I will always be grateful to you.
Thank you for that…I did think of you while writing this..our jenna too.
And yeah, I remember.
Here’s a quote for you that I think relates:
Sometimes, to uncover that which is hidden, we must first be made to look… We rely upon others to inform us, but wisdom can never be taught… and we must always decide the truth for ourselves…
You get people to look, the choice from there is up to them.
(Gotta love “Outer Limits” they have such great quotes.)
I used to say it was like having a hole in my heart and now you say it too.
Your posts always touch me like you are talking for me too.
I understand. The “awakening” is tough; shattering, really, and I wish there was more support out there for when it occurs … and it occurs even in a vacuum. This gnawing feeling that it isn’t what we were told it was.
But, lookie here!! There’s actually a blogring! There are actually articles and links on about.com!! And they wouldn’t be there if some of us hadn’t started talking openly about what so many women just felt in a silent wilderness.
And there is life after the awakening, as you well know. That’s the additional important part … the rose amongst the thorns.
And I have to agree with n … that there are life rafts, and according to her post, perhaps you’ve captained at least one.
(I suspect more.)
Ah yes, the awakening! For me it was when I got a call nearly 32 years after I relinquished my son. And my safe insulated little world got rocked – hard. For over a year, I grieved, wept daily (at least once, sometimes more)and searched for answers. There were days I thought death sounded better than the continual pain. That “How could I have done it – given my son away?” was one of the hardest struggle of all. And to find that his being relinquished probably caused him some pain – actually that realization was the absolute worst of all? After all, didn’t I think what I had done insured him a “perfect” life? And realizing the same thing is still happening to women today? Hard to swallow.
But, there are life rafts, I agree. They have been tossed to me at times. Your words have that power and I hope that mine do too at times. But, Jenna? Yes, my heart’s aching for her now. And I do not know how or what to say to comfort her. I wish that I did.
Hugs, my friend!
Am I in denial then? Sure I would have loved to parent Bj and I hate saying “but…” after that statement.
The magic wand of personal responsibility needed to fix the problems that were occurring in my life to parent Bj would have had to be powerful stuff. I had someone hassling my dad on my journal last week that totally got under my skin that if he had been supportive instead of the way he was, then I could have parented. It was as if all the personal responsibility issues that I had weren’t something that serious issue or consideration. It took me seven years to be at a place in my relationship with my husband and our families to feel prepared to parent and be pregnant again. I know the path I walked without Bj, and it would have been dramatically worse and intesified with Bj in our parenting hands.
I suppose the question is what if his life was worse when and if we reunite. Would that then be the end of denial for me? Eh, I dunno.
You poke me with some good questions though. I don’t deny being content with where Bj is and who is parents are. I also am at peace for the most part with the actions and things said during that really tough time, because I will not let those moments determine my worth or be detrimental to me anymore. I am not anti-adoption, but I do agree with many if not most adoption reform ideals.
Anyway, my point is… =oP I’m not in denial.
Ah, but, remember if you are in denial, you will only know once you are out of it! I was fairly content for nearly 32 years. Had no clue that I had a mess of feelings buried. It was not pretty though when I had my WTF reality check.
Maybe if you truly believe that you wouldn’t have been a good parent to your first born and never change your mind about that, you can be/are content. I really don’t know. I do know that for those of us who realize later that we could have/should have parented our child, the realization is stunning. Maybe you’ll be lucky and never have that. I hope for your sake that’s the case.
Claud!! Oh Claud, you write so wonderfully. Honestly, I am so glad you keep up your blog. Sometimes I feel like…hmmm I don’t really need to have a blog, the other ladies have it taken care of. As long as the world is reading your eloquent arguments for the support of women in crisis pregnancy, I feel so much better about everything.
Maybe. I know that I do balance out all the content I have with the wtf did I do thoughts. It’s not as if they don’t exist because I’m not that loony. I think my contentment comes from knowing who I was at that time in my life and the knowledge of the factors that would have played out had I kept Bj.
My husband and I had a seriously tough time getting used to each other the first few years of marraige. Those two years were spent unwinding all the damage that his mom had done raising him with unrealistic expectations. If we had parented, all those ugly awful demeaning arguments would have been so escalated up with the stress of being new parents.
Add to that the next few years of our marraige were creating healthy boundaries with our family. After Juliet was born, my mother in law went completely nutters with the amount of pressure she put on us. Mind you, I had that extra bonus of birthmother now attempting to parent stress, but jebus… I cannot fathom the amount of nutters she would have gone if we had parented Bj. She was barely tollerable with my head screwed on properly with the self confidence in my abilities. She would have did me in seven years earlier when I had very little confidence in my abilities.
Plus the whole money, school, work issues were all secondary issues that technically could have been solvable.
I don’t know what to say except that someone would have had to take control of my life and steer it properly without alienating me in the process in order for me to have parented Bj without damaging everything including him.
But, I do think quite frequently at that question of “wtf did I just do?” it just doesn’t nulify why I did it.
On denial…
I think it is possible to place a child, be “content” (or maybe I should say “secure”) with the decision, and never regret it… and not be in denial.
But I think it’s rare.
I think in order to have that, women need to place for reasons THEY truly believe in (as opposed to society’s/their parents’/the agency’s reasons), and that their beliefs need to stay constant over time.
So, for example… for women who place their children because they TRULY believe children NEED two-parent homes.. if THEY THEMSELVES really believe that, if they never alter that belief… then I think they will remain pretty secure with their decision (even if they hurt at the separation).
But I think too many of us relinquish for OTHER people’s reasons, or we have half-formed beliefs which change later in life… so for me, other people convinced me I wasn’t emotionally equipped to be a parent… so I started to believe them. And I was “secure” with my decision for a couple years, believing that those people were right, believing I wouldnt’ have been able to handle parenthood. Until I had my second child, and discovered that I DID have the raw material to be a good mom.
I don’t know. Just rambling thoughts.
I’ve been communicating with members of the adoption triad for over 10 years now online. I’ve heard so many really interesting stories. I certainly can’t “prove” it, but I’ve noticed more peace in first mothers who placed second or third born children rather than first born. Like they had more of a clear sense of what they were giving up, so they only did it if they really needed to. I know a mom online who placed her third child in her marriage for adoption. Another one who had an out of wedlock affair, became pregnant, and then placed that child for adoption (she closed down an open adoption). I can also think of many other situations like that from married women who felt over their head in trying to parent another child, or single moms who already had their hands full. That also explains why so many adoptive parents are subsequently asked to adopt bio siblings of their adopted children. A friend of mine just adopted the bio sibling of their first child…fmom got pregnant again and relinquished that baby to them. There are A LOT of those situations around. My personal take is that all of these first moms who believe that they did the right thing for themselves and the baby are not the ones blogging about their experience. Just as the adoptees who are not upset about being adopted also are not blogging (using my dh and his sister as an example…being adopted just isn’t that big of a deal to them, so why would they blog about it). I believe that there really are mothers who want to place their babies for adoption for valid reasons. One person’s personal experience is not everyone’s personal experience (even though reality is that is how most people look at things “if I regret adoption, everyone must”).
Kris-Anne. I understand your need to want to believe that some women actually place their babies for adoption and do not suffer grieviously or regret their decision. And your theory sounds plausible, but, I am a mother who relinquished my second child and some of the other circumstances you referred to applied as well. Knowing what I was losing only made my regret, pain and lose worse. Even though I already had a child, I still had no idea of the lifelong consequences being a birth mother would bring to my life. In early reunion, I spent a great deal of time trying to make sense of adoption, searching for answers. I wanted to believe that it did make more sense – that some women could relinquish and not be forever scarred. Thought maybe those who were not cooerced or better informed would fare better, but, doesn’t seem that way. The fact is giving your newborn to strangers to raise is an unnatural act and destined most often to cause inordinate amounts of pain – for the rest of one’s life. Just doesn’t work out well -for hardly any women. Sorry, I know that’s hard to hear – I believe it to be true though.
It’s my experience that women, even those who say, “Oh I love adoption, it was totally the right thing!!!” break down and cry like babies no matter how long ago it was or how much they say they are happy. Adoptees is a different issue. That’s a trauma experienced at birth that a person has no memory of, so why would they relate to that? It doesn’t mean parts of their lives haven’t been effected even if they never equate those issues or even nuerological problems to having anything to do with adoption.
I would like to add that MOST adoptees say that it is a non-issue in their lives. Every adoptee I ever talked to, starts off saying that. You find out more, being adopted also, and sharing stories. A lot of times there’s a world not shared.
Cookie, it’s not so much that I’m believing what I need to. After all, I know how much one of my childrens’ birthmothers wishes she could have parented him. She has expressed many raw feelings to me that have made me forever wonder why/how things happened. I wish I *could* say that both of my childrens’ birthmothers were at peace, but I do know that is not the case. I was just trying to express that I can’t believe that every single birthmother out there regrets her decision. Surely there are some who felt it was really the right thing for whatever reason…I guess in the same way that I know women who really don’t enjoy being a parent and do a crappy job at it (example of all the people who abuse/neglect their children…how much better things might have turned out if they placed their children for adoption at birth). Not every woman who gives birth can parent.
See..that’s where the problem is sometimes…
“not every woman who gives birth can parent”
Yeah, she probably can..if she chooses too. Even in the worse case senerio..say an addict..she could choose to stop, go into rehab, etc. One can choose to go to parenting classes and learn, one can choose to go into theraphy, one could choose to ask for help, one could choose to forgo their education for a few years, one could choose to work two jobs and deal with daycare.
Not saying it is easy, but they have to be willing.
And if they are willing to try, then I beleive that they CAN parent.
Thinking that some women just don’t have the stuff…that’s why women who don;t need to, end up placing..they beleive that they don’t have the stuff either..and that is just sad.
“Thinking that some women just don’t have the stuff…that’s why women who don;t need to, end up placing..they beleive that they don’t have the stuff either..and that is just sad.”
Now this I completely agree with. =o)
Yep, that is true that it does have more to do with willingness. You can’t escape the fact though that thousands upon thousands of American children are languishing in foster care because their parents tried to parent them and failed miserably. How could it have not been better if they had been placed for adoption as a newborn rather than moving from home to home with their belongings stuffed in a paper bag and a history of emotional and physical abuse. So I suppose my statement should be “not every woman who gives birth is going to be able to parent well.” 400,000 American children are waiting to be adopted. How can anyone look these waiting children in their faces and say “sorry, we don’t believe in adoption.”
OK, oce AGAIN…HUGE BIG WALL separating FOSTER adoption vs, VOLUNTARY INFANT placement….and in this post we are discussing the woman who voluntarily place…not the ones who have real issues of parenting.
Out of the literally HUNDREDS of mom’s stories that I have heard, there is maybe 6 instances where I went.”hmmmm..yeah..you were too fucked up to parent”…so OK..I’ll give you 6 kids that MIGHT have been spared foster situations. SIX.
I am talking about womne who ARE NO DANGER TO THEIR CHILDREN..they were just a dnager to themselves…by choosing adoption and allowing this beast of loss and pain into their lives when it WAS JUST NOT NECESSARY.
I mean…look at Dot. She doesn’t NEED to really place. She probably will because she has convinced herself that she can barely take care of her dog, but would her son be in danger with her..NO WAY.
Apples and Organges, Kris Anne. Don’t be insulting. Adoption from foster care is a completely different issue..diffeent women, differnt situations, different answers.
Claud’s got it nailed (as usual). There is an enormous difference between newborn adoption and adopting children from the foster care system. I believe in adopting children who already need homes (i.e. those in foster care.) But I do not believe in encouraging women who could and should parent not to – because they are waiting parents wanting their babies. And, I believe in mothers who can’t, don’t want to parent, would be abusive – not parenting. I would rather their babies kept within the family if possible too though.
But, just as all women who give birth may not be suited to parenting, I am also finding out, much to my dissappointment and dismay, that not all parents who adopt can cut out to be parents either. I know too many adoptees who’ll back be up on this.
Perfect answers to any of this? There are none. Can we do this thing called “adoption” much better than we are now? YES!!!
I really get the difference. What I am saying is that what IF all the mothers who end up abusing their kids…the kids who end up in foster care…would have chosen adoption when their children were newborns? Would you still be anti-adoption? I mean, really, do you realize that 400,000 kids are in foster care? That was 400,000 mothers who gave birth and thought they could parent and they ended up screwing up. What if you talked one of them out of placing their baby for adoption then they just abuse the child and he/she ends up in foster care anyway? Frankly, I think basically the “wrong” women choose adoption. I believe that most women who choose adoption are women who certainly could have parented. Then there are the mothers who give birth, don’t even consider adoption, then throw their baby into a wall or something like that. The United States is a violent country; kids are abused every minute of every day by their parents. I think promoting adoption as a choice is important…it will save lives if the message gets to the women who need it.
Krisanne:
statistically children are in danger of harm when a non relative moves in. Statistically children are not in danger from their moms. Those 400,00 children were most likely removed from their homes because of the devastation of poverty. “What if” the government provided a living benefit to mothers and children, the most vulnerable members of our society?
Because you are an adopter I understand how important it is for you to win this argument. You wrote in a previous post: reality is how most people look at things is how everyone else must”. To my way of thinking that is a distorted view of reality.
If you really ‘got it’ you wouldn’t keep pushing your “what if” situation.
Also your anecdotal stories are already covered by your bias.
This argument is never going to convince me that adoption is ok.
Krisanne:
statistically children are in danger of harm when a non relative moves in. Statistically children are not in danger from their moms. Those 400,00 children were most likely removed from their homes because of the devastation of poverty. “What if” the government provided a living benefit to mothers and children, the most vulnerable members of our society?
Because you are an adopter I understand how important it is for you to win this argument. You wrote in a previous post: reality is how most people look at things is how everyone else must”. To my way of thinking that is a distorted view of reality.
If you really ‘got it’ you wouldn’t keep pushing your “what if” situation.
Also your anecdotal stories are already covered by your bias.
This argument is never going to convince me that adoption is ok.
This belief that “adoption isn’t okay” is what just makes no sense. What do you propose to do with the little girls in China who are abandoned? What do you propose to do about foster children who have legitimately been abused by their legal parents and can’t go back to that home? What do you propose to do with the thousands of children in Russia, the Ukraine, etc. who need homes? Just say no to adoption and then you are going to completely change the entire world so adoption is never, ever needed? Outlandish. There actually is a woman I met once online who was anti-adoption and told me that they’d be better of killing the orphans in China rather than allow them to “live a lie.” She really really believed that, and scarily enough, she actually runs an anti-adoption group in NJ (she’s not an adoptee or birthmother; she just likes the subject). You can work for adoption reform and you can work to better educate women about what choosing adoption will mean to their life and reduce the number of voluntary placements, but to be “anti-adoption”…well, that is just an attitude I will never understand because it will hurt children if adoption is no longer allowed.
BTW, Mom, 55% of child killings are committed by the biological mothers of the children. Is that a better fate than adoption?
IF Voluntary infant adoption really and trully “saved” children from something they needed saving from, then I would not speak against it.
IF there was a way to guarentee that EVERY woman who lost her child to adoption, was trully a danger to the welfare of her children, then it would be a non-issue.
But that is just not the case. Don’t muddle it by bringing in China and abuse. I do not believe with anyone with a thinking brain can honestly say that the way infant adoptions in this country from agencies and private lawyers do not have huge romm for imporvenment based on what practices are considered “acceptable” by those in charge.
Just look at the smattering of moms on the blog ring! I could have raise my child. Kim is a wonderful loving human being. Cookie lost her middle child..and was a great mother before and after. Is N pericuted for her illness but adoptive parents with the same issues are encourage? Or did she just need some encuragement? Even look at Dot, about the walk the plank. What does she really need to be a good mother to her child? A crib, a stroller? R to pay some child support and stop being a doofus. Her prarents to say don’t give away our grandchild? Decent day care? Do you think that she is going to throw her baby against a wall because it annoyed her?
Did our children need “saving” from us?
No, absolutely none of your children needed saving from you. I certainly didn’t mean to imply that at all, because it couldn’t be further from the truth. And really, I do believe that voluntary child adoption needs huge improvements. I believe that adoption should be of absolute last resort to pregnant women…that all possible means of parenting help should be identified. If my daughter had an unplanned pregnancy, I frankly would fight tooth and nail not to let her child be adopted…any child being born into my family is staying here. I wish all women had that kind of family support, but since they don’t we should have societal supports in place. That I agree with. General adoption bashing is what I don’t agree with, because it’s just naive and anti-child to be against ALL adoption.
Commenting also on the statement about adoptive parents with mental illness being encouraged to adopt. That is not the case, as far as what I’ve heard (but I bet there are stories out there that would curl my hair). My understanding has been if an adoptive parent has a mental illness they cannot adopt, unless it’s easily treatable like perhaps some forms of clinical depression. I personally don’t believe anyone with a mental illness of any kind should be able to adopt. IMO, adoptive parents SHOULD be held to higher standards because they are not giving birth, but rather they are being entrusted with “someone else’s child.” We should have to meet higher standards and be as close to ideal as humanly possible.
WEll, I have read questions, many many times from waiting adoptive parents who question how will their mental illness effect a home study, how thier criminal records will effect things, how their cancer will impede their desire to get a child, how their other illnesses cen be gotten around….on on all the questions, there are always an answer from someone who had a similar situation and how they got around it. So are higher standards really used?? I really, really wonder.
As far as general adoption bashing goes…you’re the one who is bringing it up. And I can tell you..if we have to have this conversation qualifing “adoption” everytime I say “I hate adoption” it is gonna get old real fast.
I’m not talking foster situations, and I haven’t touched international..volunatary domestic infant placements..is what I mean.
So let’s just make that assumption here all the time. I will use qualifiers for any other cinerio.
Patience grasshopper……the feelings will come……when you least expect them…..and I am hoping it isn’t on your death bed…..