One of the things that has always bothered me greatly is that I have NO paperwork from when I relinquished Max.

I kept tons of stuff. I kept everything really. I have my original brochure from the agency, I have my plane ticket, I have the bottle that Max drank from, I have pictures, I have all the letters Laura and Darrin sent me. I have clothes that Max spit up on, his baby bracelets, a lock of his hair. But I never got his original birth certificate when I could have, before it got sealed (kick, KICK!!)..and I have NOTHING that I signed. No relinquishment papers, no forms, nothing witnessed, nothing legal, nada, zilch, zip.

Kinda weird, right? You think I would have kept that too?

So I know that one of the things that all moms should be doing in finding out their own truth is getting their actual records. The hospital records, doctors, agency, and legal forms. I know this, but I have done nothing but think about it. And dwell. As I have nothing. So I asked the agency and wanted to know of I could get copies and Amy from Adoptions with Love said I could have them if I sent in a check for $50.00. They are in a storage facility you see. And it’s a big deal for them to go find me all buried away in a space saver tin box, or a warehouse someplace.

That was over a year ago. I don’t think I am feeling terribly much like doing that, just on the principal. I mean, they are MY records. Shouldn’t I have a right to them? Shouldn’t I have had them in the first place? Isn’t there some law on that? Like I should give them money? I gave them my baby. That’s enough! Plus, I never bothered them for the counseling worth a total of $750.00 as promised on the brochure I still have. Take the fifty out of that! Yeah, so I haven’t done that. I just cannot give them money. But I want my stuff.

Because really, of the actual reliquishment..oh, I really blocked out so much. I remember only odd fragments. I don’t think I want to remember. But there is so much I do not know. I do not know if a lawyer was present. I don’t know if it was my lawyer? I am not even sure of where I was or who was there. I have no idea even of how long I had to revoke, which also bothers me. I am big into dates, and time marching on kinds of things. And I think I would have noted ‘the’ day, in a way that wood be memorative and notable, if I had known when that day was. But my brain gives forth blank stares when I enquire. As if my memory says “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

So I am working on this chart for the Origins Website. Basically a list of all 50 states and DC, and the adoption laws, minimum signing time frame, time to revoke, whether they have a punitive father’s registry, and what laws concerning open agreements..all the stuff that one really needs to know. Lots of hunting and pecking.And of course, I am ever mindful of what turns up for both New York, where I live, and Massachusetts, where I relinquished, and I come across the MA revoke time frame and my ears prick up and I read:

Massachusetts and Utah specifically require that all consents are irrevocable.

And..it was physical, the change that came over my body. A weird mixture of relief and despair, of sadness, and shock, of anger, and betrayal. I felt it travel down my spine and logged in my core. It altered me.

I never had a chance. I don’t think I ever really totally felt that until right now. And it wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t smart enough to change my mind and scream revoke. I never even had that choice. No revoke time. Instant. Over. Done. Just as bad as Florida.

No wonder why the strongest recollection of that day is them ( who ever they are) hammering into me over and over again: “always, and forever, from this day forth, never again, permanent, forever, forever, forever..” Because it was forever. Not even a second to cry “Wait, noooo..hold on just a sec..”

And I can’t decide if it makes me feel better to KNOW this now. Like I have often thought that in some ways I am jealous of my BSE sisters, who were truly given no choice and do not have to carry on their shoulders that they did it to themselves. They can and do blame themselves at first, but that is the same talking, and once given the facts, on has to see that they had no options when the adoption machine went into motion. I hate having to say “Yeah, I DID this, I called them, I went there, I said yes, I thought it was a good idea” And so, in one way it is almost nice to know that I didn’t do that. I didn’t MISS my revoke time frame… because there was nothing to miss. It didn’t exist.

But then, ohhhh..I feel very angry. INSTANT? WTF! I had four days after birth, that was the minimum..and believe you me, we did the minimum! Seventy two hours and I was in some office, signing something for forever. I could barely walk.

And seeing my state all laid out like that..just facts…4 days after birth one can consent to relinquish all parental rights..and upon that signing in 4 days, it is irrevocable forever. Oh my fucking god. So much for “I was actually treated pretty decently. I was one of the lucky ones.

“Ziiiiippppcrack!

That folks, was the sound of a layer of denial being ripped away.

Is the inbreeding so deep that for this long something inside me has clung to the perverse thought that I, somehow, was different? I was better, treated better, oh not me too? Smarted, stronger, a better family building angel? Not like every one else, not horribly, as horribly, taken advantage of?

Ouuuuuccchhhhhhhhh. Painful self realization.

No time to even think…four days and then the abyss.

I knew it. I remember the forever’s, but I didn’t KNOW it.

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In the midst of writing this, Tristan woke up from a dream, scared. I went down stairs to give him a hug and cuddle. Inhale the musty warm sweet smell that is his sleeping, dozy goodness. Bask in the joy of motherhood that I DO have, replenishing the batteries.
As I tucked him into his bed and fixed his covers, his radio played and immediately, I heard Paul Simon. Yeah, you guessed it. I am not a big PS fan, nor did the song “Mother and Child Reunion” mean a great deal to me for the Strange and Mournful Day, but it was a good idea. In fact, I could not even pull the song from my head when it was talked about.
Yet, I knew immediately that this was it. And right as I had that thought, he sang it..”On this Strange and Mournful Day”

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I believe in signs. I don’t know what this one means. But I believe in it.