I have been stretched thin lately, so tonight..after working and going to an grand opening to a friend’s new tatoo shop, I wanted to hit the blogs. SoA has eating up my internet time, as has been working on the Origins Websight. I get to Suz’s and I am just stopped dead in my tracks. SLAM…she hits home, straight into my heart and mind with THIS for mother’s day.

I had a message from Max tonight. It was his Prom yesterday. His girlfrind had pictures up already. They make me smile. I love to see glimpses of his life. I am comfortable where I am, though I cannot deny that I want to be closer. Meet him, hear him, see hime, watch…let real memories begin to form. But I am good where we are, we progress slowly, him and I, and I think we are both good with that. At least I assume so. We fit easy, though I still worry…lol..that is unaviodable. It’s like we are both moseing down a new road together, taking our time, we know where we want to be, but we are enjoying the ride. Like we both know that this will never happen again, and we might as well enjoy it, take it slow. But it is very comfortable. I write what I want, when I want. I am real. If I want to tell him something, I do. I feel very safe to just be me.

Scarlett has been all about Max as of late. She talks about him, she mentions him all the time. She wants a picture of him for her room. The other day, she dictated a messge to him. He said that it was so damn cute. It was. She said she loves him and I think she does. Even if she never met him, because he is her brother and she knows how to love her brothers. It’s all very dear to me.

Whatching these tentative vines slowly mesh together, joning what we know about it each other, how we feel ,who we are, oh watching my children learn to ineract with each other. Pure Joy..even if it should ever have been like this. It’s still amazing.

Oh I suppose I tell myself this. It does make it easier to deal. Looking on the bright side of life…ha! If things would only go my way because I will them to do so…lol. But what is the other option.

I could choose to get pissed off because after all, it’s been almost two years since I “reappeared” and asked to have an update and possibly reenter my child’s life..being that I am an smart, compasionate, resposible, all around good type of mom…and really…I have a half dozen pictures…a letter hanging in mid air for, really now, longer than the appropiate well manner time period. I can get anry thinking about it. Like I am AWARE, just don’t have any use for it.

What is it going to do anyway?? And then the joy gets clouded by all this ugly stuff. Nope…I want this too badly. I want to enjoy my son.

Tomorrow is one of my favorite traditions with my kids. On Mother’s Day we go to Freindlies for dinner..around 4, and only have ice cream. It’s ice cream dinner day…as I refuse to have to cook for mother’s day. It’s fun. We all eat to much and get bad stomachaches.

I usualy go out that AM and buy a mess load of annulas for Mother’s Day and plant them all afternoon. But, I don;t have it in me this year…not knowing where we will be?? Maybe just some bright things along the fence…I treat myself right on Mother’s Day…and think of my Mother.
My Grandmother, my daughter, my three sons.