It’s a bad time for us Tauruses. I mean, something is out of wack in the universe and I am really feeling it. Either that or 2007 is gonna be a doozie of a year. But I would rather chalk it up to a misalignment of planets. A few other of my Taurian counterparts have also suggested to me some bad emotional woes, so I know I am not alone.

Nic talks about her stuggles with February and I had to agree. Don’t hold me up to the light, guys, I am floundering also. Heck, all I want to do right now is play Luxor. I warn you though really…don’t go to the link…the game is stupidily addicting.

Even being forced to change over to this new blogger format feels like a personal affront. AND my good old reliable Yahoo email addy seems to have lost is “Pow”. I am not getting mail from people I SHOULD be getting mail from…like Unsealed Initiative..which isn’t THEIR fault, but it means that I missed Lobby Day. I love Lobby Day and was so looking forward to it, but just could not find it in my heart to drive an hour in the real bitter cold to wonder about looking for my people and trying to fiqure out where to go. I didn’t have my schedule, due to my bad yahoo amil, and took it as a sign.

That was last Tuesday. It followed Monday, like it does normally, but Monday was particulaly yucky. Aside from some rather unexpected critiquing of my adoption “work” and methods, that had some fallout that I am not too pleased with, I also, on Monday, faced reality and had to pee on a stick.

Yeah. While I was not surprised, I was not pleased either with the outcome. Fertile mertyle and the flying sperm of Rye have stuck again. I’m pregnant.

I find this to be terribly conflicting.
On one hand, I was very, very content being “done”. I have four kids. Max is 19. Garin is a teen and that alone makes me desire to be completely DONE. Teen years are hard and he is in the midst of pushing every boundry and envelope that we can come up with. And Scarlett and Tristan have reached that golden point where they are more pleasure than hard work. Heck, I have been looking forawrd to September where they are ALL in school full time, and I can phase out having to wait tables since the schedules will no longer make sense. Plus, four is enough..and I really donlt want to have kids over a 20 year period. I don’t want to be 55 and have a teenager!
Plus we do NOT have the money, the space, a big enough car that is realiable, an extra bedroom, medical insurance for a birth, etc. And we were content. Our family was, is, complete as it needs to be. And, plus, I will be 39 this year. I NEVER wanted to have a child when I had to have an amnio, nor worry about things usch as birth defects. And also, in the back of my mind the hemmorage after Tristan’s birth scares me.

So mentally, logically, I see only one possiblilty. To Rye, this conclusion is so obvious and pure…no other choice really. And I have no moral issues with termination. Plus I, the hyper viliagent about my fertilty, has caught this lack of monthly bleeding so early that I have to wait for time frame to be able to use the abortion pill. In one sense, I just need to have my period and this medical invention shall bring it on. The right to choose is very important in my book. So where is this conflict coming from?

In all my dealings with other women considering adoption, I tell them over and over about how sometimes life just doesn’t work out as they want it to..and we need to adapt. That being a parent against all odds can be a good thing. That is is possible, that we don’t “need” all that we think we need. So really, I don’t “need” another bedroom, or to not have the time to have some freedom, or that we can manage with adding another mouth to feed, etc. Really, I don’t know how we can, but I know inside that we could..if we have to..but DO we have to? Do we want to? Or really, do I?

Conflict, and emotional flip flops..oh God, give me a sign! Are the three very pregnant women who came in one night to eat last week a sign? Is the fact that I feel that weird protectiveness over my belly already a sign. That I HAVE looked longingly at infants and thought”’ah, how cute, how precious..maybe..Nah..”.
I feel like I have brought this on myself..with that small yearning. That my overies heard that opportunity deep in my heart and found a way. I mean, it must have been very hard. We do NOT take chances. Ah, the miracle of life. That one wily sperm..with wings, I say! Some small soul took the chance to come into my body where the chances of it not being evicted are very small..with the hope that it be allowed to stay, to be loved, to be one of us. Already, I am nausous all day. I must eat..alot. I feel the tethering of this life in me…clutching, rooting, digging in. Yet, I am suppose to go in next week..get my pills..bleed it out. I have begged it to leave. Told it that I was so sorry..but I know that it is not listening..it clings to that small hope.

Which brings me way back in time. Twenty years ago, I had this conflict too. Knowing that for all intents and purpose, I *could* NOT have this child, this baby who would be Max. That I must do what I should..and yet, I didn’t. I said nothing and let nature takes it’s course. Of course, I have already told Rye what the evil stick reported…two lines. But part of me, wished that I did not. That I had waited, acted dumb, faked my bleeding…and done nothing as before..until it was too late. Why is it that nothing has changed? Why is it that I can be transported back to the girl I was at 18, that all this knowlege, all these life expereinces, all this wisdom fades to nothing…and I just want to stand still and hide, pretend that THIS is not happening to me. DO nothing..make no choice.
I mean, I bought a special 20 dollar lottery ticket and looked heavenward..”If you want me to carry this child, then let me win tonight” I lost. Yet, is that all that is stopping me? Is it right that economics play such a role in emotional thoughts?

Part of me, very strongly, wants to TELL no one. It’s a secret. I feel shame. Shamed that, yet again, I have been failed by my body…betrayed by fertility. How can I, of all people, not yet KNOW how not to get knocked up?? And then if so, that accidents DO happen and nothing is 100% perfect, then WHY is it so bad to exercise my right to choose? Shush…I don’t want anyone to know. I stil do not understand that emotional pull..and I do know now that it is damaging…so I am forcing myself to write this post. I am forcing myself to tell. For nothing else, but to break that cycle. Don’t give me advise, don’t tell me what you think I want, don’t read ito my words..ok? Just let me break that cycle.

I can almost break down this conflict into fear vs. hope. The things I fear..lack of time, money, patience, medical issues, age, recourses, job ablility, space, mess, tiredness, sacrafice…I fear what IF I have this child and THIS is the baby that gets stuck by a car or gets childhood cancer? Can I live with that? Will I then regret this choice?

But what if I am meant to have this child? That this child is the next nobel prize winner, that this child is say, a great blessing..which is silly becasue I KNOW that no matter what, I will adore this baby..as will the rest of our family. I can see Scareltt and Tristan being so happy..and then when I look at them, I hurt. I mean, I didn’t ask for this..but what right do I have to deny them this sibling? Is it just my choice? Rye is not really into it, but he does say that it is up to me…but will he hold it against me if I insist on letting nature takes it course. What if I die this time? What if this child has Downs or something? What of I make a bad choice? Fear or hope? Positive or negative? Its all dependant on how I choose to look at this,…blessing or curse?

I don’t feel like I do have a choice, but I know I do. I just can’t make it. I was suppose to go back this week, but I didn’t. I have to. If I don’t then…it will be too late….soon. I do not want to have to deal with the real medical procedure. Pills I can handle. The guilt I am not so sure. All the times I have announced that my abortions have been mere blips on my radar screen of life..am I about to eat my words? Is this where I learn of post abortion grief? Shouldn’t I avoid that? Or will I be able to process this, move on bury what I need to..and feel content again? Will this become the right choice because I made it so? Should I practice what I preach..adapt to what life gives me. After all, I did with Tristan and I cannot imagine not having this treasure of love in my home. Really, none of the boys were “planned”…yet, never do I regret them. And I KNOW that with this, it sounds as though I realy really do not want to terminate this pregnancy, yet tomorrow I could be, as I was earlier this week, very resolute and adamant towards its end.

Flip
Flop
Heads or tails.
Nothing has changed.
Two lines…you lose.
Yeah, not a good week.