I feel lazy today. So rather than write myself, I am going to babble and then re-post what Sunny says about being “Anti Adoption”

I should just recover these two chairs that I have downstairs in the living room, but I am juat not thrilled with the fabric I have available. It is hard to motivate, because it feels fruitless, but still ANYTHING is better than what is there now.

Antics with Children and Animals

I tried to take a leisurely shower today. Rye was home, kids were quiet, late morning. I am happily shampooing my hair, and the door opens and in comes naked Scarlett. With naked Scarlett comes Lily, who immediate starts attacking the shower spray. Scarlett comes in, Lilly comes in , and we are all in the shower together while I attempt to shave my legs. Tristen enters…yeah, naked.

Thank goodness, he chickens out. He is a quiet soul and the dog was too rambuncious.

Anyway, I was poking about and I came across this comment to a thread, and it was so lovely. So trully understanding and kind. I felt this woman’s compassion in her writing. And I got to the end and had to see who was the author..what joy to find my dear Sunny!

Then I recognized her completely. She is a joy. We were just on the phone before. Such a good conversation, but I had to go and rein in childish shennagans. They weren’t ripping apart the chairs I so need to finish recovering, but Tristan had unrolled a roll of paper towels all over the foyer and kitchen and living room. And the dog was attaching them.

Lovely.

My paper towels now look like the Frankenstein monster of Bounty.

The whole point of this was to share Sunny’s Post:

Sunny Taking About Being “Anti-Adoption”

Hey. I really am sorry that there was too much angst for you to feel like you could hear the message behind “anti-adoption“ sentiment. You sound like a very sincere person and like one I personally would like to have on the side of fighting for human rights. Most women who claim to be “anti-adoption” are not really anti-adoption per se. The “anti” sentiment is more toward the grey area of infant adoption in the US where there seems to be this idea that a single mother who is facing difficult financial and emotional issues has a responsibility to place the child with “better” people. Rather than as a community helping her better access the resources she needs to parent herself.

There is a gap between expressing to women the dangers of keeping and the damage to the child that could lie therin; and sharing with women considering placing how damaging it can be for children to be seperated from their mothers at birth. I do not in any way think that just because a person lost their mother at birth they can’t feel love, connect with human beings, or feel joy in their lives. I do not think that just because a person’s parents died at birth they will not feel love, feel joy, or have wonderful amazing awe inspiring things happen in their lives. There is simply an added sorrow and and added loss.

A loss that could be prevented if we valued the connection between mother and child BEFORE they get seperated from adoption instead of valuing it AFTER the seperation. Do you see what I’m saying? I am personally not saying you have done anything wrong or unethical by giving a home to child who needed a loving home. That is a wonderful thing to do. The question I have is whether or not more could have been done to help the original mother of your child to have access to the resources, internal or external, to parent her child. What is done is in the past and is not your fault.

If she was not adequately cared for, that was not because you did anything to make that happen. However, for those of us who really care about how much mothers hurt from losing their children (an issue that you probably don’t care enough about to spend your life working on) and how much children ache to lose their original kin, we are here to help provide those resources and to change public attitude where we can. Because we know the loss lasts forever. We know that once we are adopted into these loving adoptive homes, they will never be willing to relinquish us back into the arms of our own mothers because it hurts their hearts too much to let go. And as adopted children, we of course WILL be loyal and we will give up the love we need from our mothers, the flesh and blood and mind and spirit from whence we came, because we do care about the women who raised us.

I miss my mom. My mom who I came from, who shares my very heart. Who has loved me all these lonely years in isolation, wondering if I am smiling, if I am crying. If I need her and she isn’t there. And because of the fierce parental grip my adoptive family has around my heart, I don’t feel that I can really open up my heart to all those feelings until my adoptive parents die.

And that is so sad. In any case, I hope I wrote coherently and did not offend because it is not my intent in any way to do so. I am sorry there is so much anger around these issues that adoptive parents often just look the other way because it’s too much to deal with. Mainly because it means those of us who really care about this issue can no longer work toward making this system better, or be taken seriously.

I think you have to understand too, the pain of losing a child is so great that people can no longer control their emotions around it. I get shaky and can’t think straight just writing about it. So any lack of coherancy is in my mind to be expected. One can never fully describe the horror of losing the most precious being to you in the whole world. Your own child. It leaves scars and wounds that plague the spirit and the heart for eternity.

Please, if you have it in your heart, I would love to share more with you and hear more about your situation. I would recommend that you not try to have a discussion with the ladies on the anti-adoption boards. They hurt too much to understand adoptive parents perspective. And honestly, you guys already have their kids, I hope you can at least let them have their pain and anger and horror. It’s all they have left.

Posted by: roxanol | 08 December 2005 at 07:29 AM