So I am at work last night..and our hostess had a great book called “The Choices We Made”. It’s the stories of famous people who had abortions, faced an unplanned pregnancy, etc. We were taking turns reading about Whoopie Goldberg.
So this of course, lead to us discussing adoption, and Raisa and I are in the middle of a discussion on how these people who claim “just give the baby up for adoption” haven’t got a clue as adoption is so screwed up. I have to say, it is amazing how much more validated I feel sometimes in real life now that I speak my views. I find that the majority of people DO listen and many get it. It’s just logical really..and they get upset to hear about the stuff that is still going on. They just don’t know that it does. I do live that I can and do talk about it at work..that there is this small pocket of people who know the truth and get it. That respect my work..that support it…even of some people only think I am cooler now because of Montel..lol.
So as we are talking, loudly, a couple walks in..and I quickly see that the child in the very Causcsion parents arms is from China. And of course, they sit in my section. I do find myself, looking at parents and kids now…wondering who is adopted and who is not. I check out people’s noses to see if the kids favor a parent.If a mom is older, I am more suspect..and granted I do not let this effect me …much..I might listen more carefully at their conversations, but I do that with everyone. It’s nice to be a fly in the wall sometimes. I can fill water glasses v e r y slowly so I can hear things..and I am not above sticking in my two cents..tip be damned.
Anyway so Emma and her parents have a nice dinner. She is a very cute little thing, prolly a bit younger than my Scarlett, dressed as a winter princess..whether this is indicative of the “dressed up doll” or, as I know..little girls love to look pretty..I don’t know. It was kind of unnerving as I thought the child looked familer..and the name too…of course Emma is HOW popular now…but I know the day will come when someone in my real life “knows” me from online.. I mean, I do talk about the name of my restaurant often..so would it be beyond someone who might be in my area to want to come and check me out in the flesh? Or am I just really egotistical?? lol.
Needless to say, there was NO discussion of adoption, which was fine. Served hem food, fine etc…Emma liked her fish and chips…Ok buy bye!!
So then, the next couple that sits at 18 are regulars..who I happen to like a lot. They come in often and are really sweet..always happy, easy..and just nice. So they comment on my hair cut and I mention that is my TV hair.
Ohhhh…why?
Montel.
Why are you on Montel..and I explain.
Ohhhhhh…are you an adoptive parent…no the other side.
You were adopted..no, ah, the forgotten ones…
Oh..they get it….and yeah, they are adoptive parents..both their kids who I have also waited on before.
Ah, now the door is open and we DO speak about adoption off and on all night.
It’s hard, because I really DO like them..and I do know that they DO mean well..but how to not totally overwhelm them with this side of me. And they sound like they had a good somewhat ethical adoptions to begin with,,their kids are teens. Closed now, but they have contact info..”for when the kids are ready”…met with the parents at the time..moms were young..so not awful…just adoption awful, but pretty typical..and I did believe them when they said that they think about the kids parents all the time.
I think he got it a bit better than she did…just gut. She was very “don’t you feel like it was a good thing..you son did well…and if it wasn’t for people like you..we would not be a family” I mean she WAS grateful..but still…that just doesn’t do it for me anymore. And I couldn’t really say to her..yeah, but I am better than just money and things..I have his history, his family… And I tried to keep the issues to the state laws, etc..the fact that in my situation, the agency totally enabled me to ditch Max’s dad’s rights and that is horrible guilt. That I did regret it..and that it was unnecessary in our case..I could have, should have had anyone to really make me think it though..etc.
As I said, he really got that I knew my stuff..and I think was impressed. I guess her brother is in the midst of adopting from Guat and I was able to explain the situation to them and talk about Hague which they were unaware of. I talked a bit about all the research that I have collected that was denied, is denied..how we are messed up for life… and not told by the agencies…tried not to cringe as she told me about how they went private, hooked up with a Gyn or something…didn’t blast them for “trolling” as bad behavior..giving out cards…because after all..I don’t think they really knew that it was bad..they were told that is what they need to do.
Should I excuse them? What is forgivable? I mean, it was a good exchange..with no one being offend…information and perspectives shared. I can hope, that since they come in often, that we can continue this..it won’t be awkward..and maybe..there are two mothers someplace north of me, missing their babies, maybe I can convey that now is a good time for contact again? That 15 is just fine?
And you know what…even though they were kinda in a place of not knowing really…they STILL supported reform!! YEAH! They congratulated me on doing this…speaking out, going on TV..wanting change..
This is on the tail end of hearing a heartbreaking story from a dear friend who went to Planned parenthood and was given the 1 800 number for a “crisis” pregnancy place like 200 miles away…someone with their own “baby saving pro life agenda”..working for PP!!! How her decision was questioned and how insulting and much harder that made it all.
I just feel all riled up. I hurt for my friend. I hurt for the nice people in the world who unknowingly participated in bad things. I hurt for kids that just don’t know and might never have the courage to ask. I just hate this all sometimes.
Most times.
Musings of the Lame…
Who will be the millionth Monkey?
We’re not sure. But I can tell you with a certain degree of confidense, this person will be from the generation of the beatles,stones, fugs, and Dr Timothy Leary, etc that sucked their Pakalolo weed until they lost all hope of reconnection with
family, or with Reality.
These are the “Deadheads”, lost in
a perpetual orbit, in a galaxy far, far, away.
Just let them try to connect with
our Reality Weblog. They won’t comprehend the language, nor the message.
>>
We here on planet Earth… now live in perilous times! reb
http://www.lazyonebenn.blogspot.com
Dear Claud,
I have met sooooo many adopters like the ones at table 18…yes, they say they support ‘reform” but not when it is about them.
They all say the same things, and I have had it directed at me many times.
When they cannot win their cause with simple logic and proof, they pull out the “‘we are so grateful to the b…mother” card…as in, “But if it wasn’t for mothers like you, we wouldn’t be a family!”
And that is designed to distract you….from their actual history.So you won’t ask them too many questions.
The evils of adoption were known when they adopted. There were mothers who were ‘coming out ” and speaking out at least as far back as 1976.
Social “worker” Georgia Tann was arrested on a federal racketeering charge,(baby-stealing in cahoots with her judge friend Camille Kelly) back in the late 40s or early 50s.
Adoption crime has a very long history.
I think you probably can, at some point, talk about contacting their children’s parents. They will probably still continue to be regulars and you’ll probably get the chance to talk about adoption with them further. You’ll know the right time to introduce that idea into the conversation.
Have only recently found your blog.
Amazing stuff – great writing.
Have been a regular on the Aussie Origins forums for nearly 2 yrs now, (“svenska” = Aussie adoptee) and have only recently stumbled into the blogging world.
Glad I found you!!
Hugs,
C.
:o)
I have no sympathy or empathy for any of these people. They know what they are doing. If they were truly “nice” people, they would help real families stay together, not support grabbing babies for themselves.
They are the enemies of families, all of them. And they know it so they try to steamroll mothers if they have the misfortune to meet one in person and also to control and manipulate the information about how it feels to be a mother, such as by joining CUB.
And yeah, I’m sure they were trying to be a “lookin’ good family.” That’s what adoption’s all about.
It’s more interesting not to identify yourself as a mother to adopters–then you hear what they really think!
I was reminded of your incident with the adopters after reading this am’s newspaper. There was an article about Mt Everest climbers and the recent controversy about leaving climbers who falter on the slopes to die.
It was just like adoption. Substitute getting to the summit of Everest for getting a baby to adopt. In one incident, a fallen climber (he had paid $6500 instead of $60,000 to climb so it was his own fault ya know) was left to die by numerous other climbers who walked on by him as he lay dying in the snow. This is the same as adopters taking babies instead of helping mothers.
In a second incident 10 days later, another climbing group came across a disoriented climber with no gloves, hat, ice pick, etc. They saved his life, however, because they had stopped to help a fellow human being, they did not make it to the summit of Everest (did not get a baby?).
This article of course became a discussion of morality with quotes from previous climbers. “What are your priorities…an ethical obligation to your team, the more so if they are paying customers.” He means an obligation to get your team to the summit even if it means leaving others to die, which so clearly could be interchanged with obligation to get babies to adopt for your customers regardless of what you have to do to the mother and the baby.
Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to reach the summit of Everest is quoted: “The people just want to get to the top.” (The people just want babies?) Then he sounds like the occasional social worker who has tried to point out problems with adoption over the years: in his day “…would never have considered leaving a man behind.”
In fact,the final paragraph is a quote from a travel guide: “It’s not just Mt Everest where you are confronted with these kinds of decisions.” And ain’t that the truth!
So Claud, of course adopters want you to think they are clean, but in reality, all of them have walked by a dying person to get to the summit.
40yrsdead
I hope they gave you a big tip.
Claud, every time you talk to a couple like this one, you make a difference. It may not dissuade someone from a belief that adoption can be good, but it undoubtedly will help them recognize that it’s bad much of the time.
To play devil’s advocate – consider perhaps that the adoption was truly closed for the good of the child? While it’s nice to think that everyone is suitable, the sad fact is that it may be that their situation is one of the unfortunate ones where the firstmother had problems – not related to grief over the adoption but simply a sad case of someone not suited to be a mother. I’m not saying this is the case with all or most adoptions – just that some children are adopted because there is a genuine problem. It’s wrong to broadly paint firstmothers as being bad – but it’s just as unfair to paint adoptive parents in that way.