I should be more excited, but part of me is like..yeah, I am going to go met my son for the first time in 19 years like I do this every day..but part of me HAS done this everyday. I have thought about this and rehearsed this, I have fantasied and imagined and wondered and tried to feel it so much, that this time, even if it is real, feels like pretend again. Just another day dream, this time with a better more well written script.
I just cannot imagine what it will feel like to see my son again. I cannot begin to pretend to know how I shall react, if I cry, if I am calm, if I am just a loon…I just can’t imagine. I don’t feel prepared at all, yet, it is time I know for this chapter in adoption to close. There is not much I think that we could have done to be more “ready” for an face to face adoption reunion.
Since he would be 18, he could open up his records..if he desired. And if he did that, then he could “find” me and we could be “official” and then completely manage to avoid telling his folks that this has now been happening already for almost 7 months. Really, at this point all I wanted to do was avoid getting them upset and get him out form the burden of secrets.
If I had not searched for my adopted child, then it would have been not an issue. But I am not a saint. I am not a completely unselfish person. I do have my weak moments..or strong..depending on your viewpoint and perspective. And no matter what..I am a mother.
And I just ask you all this..to try to imagine for a second what it is like to know your child is out there somewhere..and you have longed for so long..and you find out that there is a way to reach out and touch team again. All I can say was there was NO WAY I could have not done it.
For myself, I believe for him, for my other children…one click. I am not that saintly of a human.
After Finding my Son on Social Media Into MySpace and the future I went. And I found..nothing. No response, no message, no signs, BUT he had added me to his Friends list..so what did it all mean? Back into chat, we went over what we knew and what I had sent in the first message. It was decided that it was just too cryptic and that he didn’t put it…
I had asked to have Max be my Friend, but he had to approve before we would be on each other’s list. She had called to tell me that he was appearing on my list. That meant that he was online and saw my message. He had approved me. I was Friends with my SON!
And then April came around and MySpace had a new feature. You could look up kids by their school listing. So of course, I plugged in his High School. At this point, I had trouble understanding WHY this kid was NOT on MySpace when it seemed like half the world was on it.After finding tons of kids, but no sign of my own, I decided to see who the kids had listed on their friends list. I think it was the second kid that I looked at..and BOOM! I almost feel off my chair. There he was.
At this point, my dearest and greatest wish was just to have a picture of my son.The waiting was, completely, making me crazy.After I looked at the return address, it registered what I held in my hands. Pictures of my son..the face that I had not seen in 16 and a half years, my baby, grown man/teenager /son.
Instinctual knowing your child cannot be replicated in Adoption. It must be really scary to an adoptive parent. For the natural parents have the one thing that they cannot ever have; the true cognitive, cellular bond.
Carol Anderson’s 1982 adoption reunion classic: “Why did your birth mother refuse to meet you? Your natural mother lost a great deal when she surrendered you to adoption.” Fabulous insight for any adoptee about to contact or having been refused contact by their birthmother. It won’t make the pain go away, but hopefully can shed a bit of understanding.
Soon she began seeking out more specific information on her son and started looking into MySpace, an Internet community and message board. After fishing around, she found him and made his virtual acquaintance.