Mothers, Mothering and Motherhood; Across Cultural Differences; A Reader:

So over a year ago, a submission call out found its way to me. Demeter Press was putting together a book on Motherhood and the person who was going to write the “birthmother” chapter either cancelled or whatever, but they needed a person to write it.

I saw that as an opportunity to educate people about life as a birthmother and so, I answered the inquiry and  I volunteered to write the chapter. They required twenty five pages? I figured I could do that in my sleep.

I, alas, could not do it in my sleep as this “reader” was really more like a collection of research papers based on previously done scholarly research and books about different kinds of mothers. Thankfully, I HAVE a great collection of adoption research and I know where to find what I don’t have. I also actually like writing research papers, so again, I was happy to contribute even if I had to be more formal in my tone. Plus, being that this is the kind of book that will be read in women’s studies, gender, feminist, reproductive justice, and sociology classes on a college level, again, a good opportunity to get some much needed truth about adoption history out there. Lord knows I wasn’t going to be quoting some warm and fuzzy study that surveyed 300 adoptive parents about how happy their adoptees are. In any case, I spent way more time on researching, writing and editing than I thought I would!

I researched and wrote a total of 66 pages, double spaced, with works cited. Then, I had to edit it down to the 25 pages allowed for this chapter. That hurt, but I do have 66 pages of real meaty stuff saved for another day and another project! Just not sure what yet. Anyway, the chapter was submitted in October of 2013. Editing went on in December, I think? By early April it was in its final version and then off to the printer. Then I waited for my payment, which was two copies of the final book, to come in the mail from Toronto.

The first package never came; lost in the post. I harassed my mail carrier as if he had open adoption pictures and  updates for me. Then, finally, today, came my package! I was so excited to see my name in a real physical book. There are 22 chapters on various kinds of mothers in the book and the chapter on birthmothers is #5. With my name on every page. Yes, I will admit to feeling proud. Almost every other chapter author is a professor, or associate professor, or a PhD candidate, or a MSW, and then there is me!

So excited and happy; I took pictures and shared on Facebook.. and sadly.. the joy turned into a terminology debate.

Whats More Evil? The Word Birthmother or the Fights Caused?

So, while I hate, hate, hate, the terminology wars and refuse to participate in them, I’m going to break my rules because I also hate, hate, hate assumptions and all the rest too. And since I was literally forced to deal with this today, rather than just enjoying the printed thrills, I’m going to go there.

So first, to answer some questions about the book:

“HOW DARE you speak for us?”

How DARE I? Well let’s see.. I volunteered write it because they needed someone to. No one is preventing anyone else from also doing the same. I didn’t get an engraved invitation. But I did spend weeks researching and writing.. and then more time in the editing.. and for my payment.. there it is. I got two copies of the book. So that’s HOW I dare. Don’t like it? Next time YOU do it.
Seriously, Demeter Press is ALWAYS calling for more papers and submissions. Get cracking. I find it insane that I am being criticized for stepping up the an EMPTY plate.

Then, I feel I must address the question of “US”. This question came from another mother, so for me, I see US as one and the same. We both lost our children to adoption; however HOW we lost them was different. For me, I see the sameness, not the differences, so for me.. it was ONE OF US writing the chapter. Plus, I didn’t speak for US because it wasn’t really a editorial or opinion piece at all. It is research, so I reported on the available research. That was written by US most of the time either, but it’s what we have and that was needed for this gig.. it’s a researched essay if anything. And I don’t feel I was really SPEAKING for anyone.. it was more of a collection of information.. but if I was speaking FOR anyone, it would have to be still just me. It is, after all, my name on all those pages and me saying THIS is what the research shows as issues and challenges and history of birthmothers.  I can live with that because I do feel I did a decent job in covering the WHOLE damn thing.

Now there was, of course, an issue with the fact that the chapter itself was called “BIRTH MOTHERS” and the fact that really, birthmother is word pretty much forced upon us in AdoptionLand by the social workers as  PAL in the 1970’s as the rates of adoption were falling. Yes, I know all this because I have researched that too. I originally had this disclaimer in the chapter, but when I edited from 66 pages to 25, I had to take out way too much that really was super important, and I decided to let the disclaimer go:

*For the sake of clarity in this chapter, the term ‘birth mother’ will be used. The use of adoption terminology and language is a hotly debated and often controversial. Descriptive terminology related to this group has changed over the years and has included natural mother, biological mother, genetic mother, first mother, life mother, original mother, exiled mother, mother separated by adoption, relinquishing mother, and real mother. It is a well established fact that the term ‘birth mother’ was conceived to be accepted by adoptive parents who disliked the opposite version of established terms such as ‘natural’ and ‘real’ even though both terms were common among by the legal and mental health communities. A great number of birth mothers do find the distinctive label of ‘ birth’ mother to be demeaning and have chosen to self identify with other words or have refused the subjective label completely. Among the adoption agencies and other professionals the terms birth parent, birth mother, and birth father have become accepted nomenclature for referring to the mother and father who gave birth to a child who was placed for adoption (Brodzinsky D. M., 1990) and instruct both new prospective adoptive families and families considering relinquishment to use them as such. The use of these terms have been promoted though the use of Positive Adoption Language or ‘PAL’.

Why one might ask did I not decide to use another word? Well, I will sound like a broken record, but I do understand that sadly this term IS the one accepted and more importantly UNDERSTOOD by most people. And again, this book was not for the highly adoption advanced, and to be honest, perhaps it was my resistance to the birthmother backlash, but I didn’t even think about making it an issue. I guess because for me, it’s NOT a personal issue. I have come to terms with using it  because it is the term MOST searched for when people are looking for adoption information on Google.  Now you can think me a sell out if you want for using the word birthmother. I would rather if you could see it from my perspective, which doesn’t mean that you must agree, or use it, or even like that I use it, but possibly just get off my back. I do get that people hate it. I get why you hate it. I totally respect that you hate it.  But, for what I am doing, for the goal of my work, I need to still use it.

And I have explained this all in great detail before, so I do say please read this post AND the links in it.

This site will be seen by a quarter of a million people in 2014 and most of my traffic comes through organic search via Google because I know SEO. Think of me like the first line of defense. Like the adoption Marines. Someone searches, they find me here, and then, from here, they go off into the rest of AdoptionLand. I’m like the tour guide. I’m willing to take this terminology heat because it freaking works. It is by USING the damn word birthmother that we, and here I do mean WE, are able to reach more people who NEED us. Not that ones that already know that the birth terms are derogatory, but the ones that don’t.

Seriously, I’m so bored of talking about this, but I do like how Lynn Franklin said it:

“There are times and contexts where it just helps more to release the language constraint if need be and to avoid inflammatory language if we want to be heard. And still to educate in every way possible. And other times, and contexts where the activist in any one of us can roar. Some roar louder than others and we all have our place. And we all have different experiences and views we can agree or disagree with but be respectful of.”

There were underlying grumbles about the fact that the editor of the reader is an adoptive mother, but truthfully I don’t even know nor really do I care. I did not find that there was any bias, or editing  or controls put upon me in the material nor the stance or tone of my work due to that. And really, if the fact that the editor has adopted and still included our population and was open to me submitting the chapter, then really, how is that a bad thing? I just rejoice that we were included and NOT forgotten and maybe because if she is an amom too, that’s why she even knew to include us, because really, most of the non adopted population completely forgets us or believes we are too bust being crack whores.

Trust or Lack of In the Adoption Community

Now, I personally feel that some of the underlying problems within our community are completely due to lack of trust. I get that. Adoption really does such a number on so many and just rips away any good feelings and covers it with layers of hurt. I mean, if you were sold out by your family, your church, your community, often the man you loved, the professionals, friends, and sometimes, even the very child that you longed for, then how the hell can you possible trust anyone else again especially some random person online. Yet at some point, it would be so much more helpful if we could put down this inherent mistrust  at least so we stop feeding on each other.

I mean, I get that there are so many different issues and hurts and everyone has a different experience, so there is no way that anyone is going to see everything exactly the same way. Its just impossible, but instead of focusing on what we see differently, it would be so much better if we can agree on how we are the same and STOP getting all upset with others when they do not do things exactly as we might. There really is room for all of us to do our own thing WHILE supporting others doing theirs and literally, that way all bases are covered.

Like even with the word birthmother. I don’t have this huge viscerally reaction when someone says the word or even calls me a birthmother. I do not thing less of anyone else who just cannot handle the word and find it triggering, but SOMEONE has to be able to stand there and take on the word. So I do it because I CAN. And yet, that’s a problem and I  have been thrown under the birthmother bus. I am pandering to our oppressors. I have sold out. I am a mole. And for the record none of these things are at all even remote possibilities. But using the word causes others to mistrust me.

The Separation of Mothers in Adoption; Not Adoptive moms vs Natural, but BSE vs Latter

Which brings me to another thing that I have observed for quite some time.

As much as I wish it was another way, there are moms who tend to be more of BSE mothers and truly had no choice, they lived through forced adoptions, disembabyment, complete rape of their children and there is a judgment from them towards the younger “non forced” mothers such as myself. There have been times when I almost wish that I had been forced myself, because the guilt of knowing that I, in part, did do this to myself is awful. Sometimes it would be easier,  it can seem, to know that I was kicking and screaming, rather than happily walked into adoption like a lamb to slaughter. Of course, I know that I would not want to have had to live through many of the very real horror stories I have heard over the years, but it is tempting to be able to say I had NO choice. Bt I cannot say that, because it would be a lie. The truth is while I was denied information, while I was failed by the adults around me, while I was used by the system, while I trusted the wrong folks, in the end I was BELEIVING that adoption was “best”. Yes, it was a lie, but I didn’t know to see thought that for many years and it was the older BSE moms who walked me through the truth. For that I will always be grateful, yet, it always seems that there was, and still can be seen, some distain.

Of course NOT everyone fits into this category at all; but other younger moms have expressed to me the same feelings. Because we were not forced, because we played a part and were somewhat “willing”, they just cannot understand HOW this happened. In this whole thing about the chapter, I am actually glad that someone said, even in anger,  (and I paraphrase the quote) the heart of this matter and mistrust:

“… you .. have no business complaining for what you consented to do and DID. Abandoners, you are not mothers – your really are birthmothers/baby boilers”

I do feel what many mothers who were openly forced to surrender DO think about the younger moms who “made a choice”. They think we are stupid for falling for the BS and they are right.. we were stupid.. but they don’t see the coercion any better than the typical pro adoption loving Joe on the street… for different reasons.. but the outcome is even worse because this crap does rip holes in the community. When we use the energy to fight each other, then we are wasting out time fighting those on the same side. No wonder we haven’t been able to really progress. I wonder if the adoption industry doesn’t site back and laugh as we alienate and discourage each other form moving forward.

There was a recent post on Musings of a Birthmother that coined the latter moms as being in the “coercion era”  and while I have always called the 1970’s to 1990’s more of a “flux period”  with an overlap of BSE foundation with the start of open adoption rhetoric, and later on the full days of “open adoption”, I think just saying openly that there is coercion is right.  Yet, it is this  underlying lack of understanding, trust, and dare I say compassion for the mothers that were NOT forced that causes troubles. There is often no respect for us because we did consent to sign. There is often no  trust because we were too stupid to see through the lies. There is often no  community because of resentment. It’s like on the birthmother totem pole we are lower down because we held the Kool-aide up to our lips and said “oh look how pretty the cup is” rather than keeping our lips closed as the nuns at the maternity homes forced them apart.

And you know what? I cannot help that, though I sure do wish I could! The fact is I DID consent. Granted I was lied to and I had no idea of the reality of what I was consenting to, but  pretending that I was forced doesn’t change anything, but make me into a dishonest person. I can’t change that my experience was not the same, but I certainly never forget or gloss over what happened before. The entire history of adoption affects all of us and must be noted.

So yeah, I know I was taught to be a birthmother. Like countless others post PAL, I was told that is what I was and I didn’t know to revolt. And yes, now I know better and still do it for a  purpose. I cannot please everyone all the time and I am too wise to try. I do what I do, but know this…

The Word Birthmother Carries Great Weight

When I say the word birthmother and when I choose to use, I say the word with great weight. It is heavy, not light.  Never is it flippant and while I can never be proud that I lost my child and am ashamed by the parts I played in it, I don’t have a problem being called a birthmother. That is what I am now. I cannot undo it. It is what it is. What name I am called cannot change the reality.

But I gave birth to a child, and in that birth, in my fertility, is my power. I did what others could not and that is why I was vulnerable and able to be taken advantage of. It was the power of the act of giving birth; so I can take that.

Yet, yes, the word carries great weight.. it carries the pain of all the others that have gone before me and that sadly, still come after me. It carries all the loss and all the tears, all the years, all the pain. It carries all the struggles and all the horror that this word means.

And when I use that word, there is great purpose and that  final goal  is to bring us back the power that was taken away.. whether by force or by our own hand. All inclusive in my mind and heart. If you desire to excuse yourself, then so be it. I won’t hold it against you, but I am still going to do what I can the best way I can as long as I am able.   And I know it’s asking a lot, but you’ll have to just trust me on that.

The full title is Mothers, Mothering and Motherhood; Across Cultural Differences; A Reader and it can be ordered though the website directly from the publisher or on Amazon at Mothers, Mothering and Motherhood Across Cultural Differences: A Reader  If you would like to help, please consider writing your local of affiliated universities and recommend it as required reading. And if you do purchase the book, please consider writing a review on Amazon on it.

Additionally, I will add, if anyone would like to read the chapter, but cannot purchase the book, please get in touch with me.