One cannot begin to understand the truths about adoption and to gain insight into the life of those adopted without hearing about the writings of BJ Lifton. How many times have I heard an adoptee credit her books as a pivotal point in feeling understood or coming to terms regarding their own life experience. As a birthmother, BJ Lifton represented more than an adoptee voice, she was for many THE voice who gave her words so that many others could speak of the feelings. She could not be MY beacon, my voice, but like so many others, I listened.

Adoptee Author BJ Lifton

BJ Lifton was probably one of the first adoptees to start talking. She was ahead of her time by writing about adoption and what it meant to be an adoptee. Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter came out in 1975 followed by Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience in 1979. And then, Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness came out in 1994. Simply put, it would be impossible not to look up to her as authorative on the subject . She was writing about adoption while I was entering 2nd grade. By time I had started my own path down the adoption rabbit whole, she was well established as a grand dame of adoptees.

I remember the first time I didn’t hear her speak. The 2006 Adoptee Crossroads Conference in NYC had the last minute snafu over adoption language and the word “birthmother” and BJ decided not to be a keynote speaker. Feels completely hypocritical writing this now, since admittedly I took the other side.. “Birthmother is a bad word.. MMMkay?” and now, well, let’s just say that while my understanding of the term remains, the reasons for using it have changed.

A Constant Presence in Adoption

Needless to say, though out my journey in adoption, like many, BJ Lifton has always been there, like a guiding light. Almost every conference, every big adoption event, there was BJ usually carrying a big tote bag full of stuff? I always assumed books. She wouldn’t come in with a huge fan fair, but she was BJ Lifton, so people flocked to her, to speak to her, to ask her questions, to thank her. In fact, I have trouble remembering a conference when she wasn’t around. I know she was around in Boston at the ACC Conference in 2007 when I met Max again after 19 years.

While I didn’t know it was the last time I would get to see her, she was at the Adoption Initative Conference last month. We did get to chat briefly, but I was unable to stay on Saturday when she was presenting. Regretting that now.. though probably if we had had time to sit around, we probably would have talked about her website. I think it was the beginning of the summer that BJ messaged me to ask about blogging. I was floored to be sure, honored and completely glad to help. She had set up her blogger blog and she wanted to know how to get people to read it! I wanted to say,”You ARE betty Jean LIFTON.. people will ADORE reading you on a blog!” but truth be told her website could have used a bit of updating, and from a professional stance, a blog, especially hers, should have been part and parcel of the website.. and so I told her so. Her website developer also agreed with my assessment and we had few emails over time going back and forth discussing things.  And yes, a little voice in my head was thrilled: OMG she asked MY advice! eeek! BJ Lifton ASKED ME! Sadly, we ran out of time for that too.

Answering a Question from Betty Jean Lifton

However, I think my most treasure memory of BJ Lifton was when I was presenting at KAAN with Thirdmom’s Margie in 2007. We were in Boston, which was BJ’s town, and while it was a Korean Adoption conference, she came. Imagine my surprise when she came in to our presentation.. yes, out of all the people in the room I was amazed that THE Betty Jean Lifton came to hear ME speak.

Not only did she speak, but she asked a question for which I did not have an answer. She asked at the end how was it that I was somehow able to escape so many of the emotional pitfalls that many other mothers faced after relinquishment, as I have always said, overall, I am relatively “healthy” . I gave my unsure answer at the time; “The agency did prepare me for the grief and I did not have to hide it, so a lot of the pain did get processed rather than pushdown”. While that IS true to an extent, the real answer did not come to me until this summer. It’s too late to tell BJ, but perhaps it will help someone sometime.

We were driving back from Louisville and the Adoptee Rights Protest. It was the Monday evening after the protest and we were about to embark on the “Driving all Night” return home. It was still light out when Jack asked me the same question that BJ had in Boston three years before. I think I was just so exhausted at that time, and so close to all my adoption “stuff” after spending the last 5 days completely enmeshed in all things adoption and only adoption, that my normal filters were not on at all. The answer felt like it came from a deep place and so, when Jack asked, how come I was not quite as .. well fucked up.. as a lot of other moms..after returning from Boston, the adoption agency and relinquishment( I think we were talking about using the term birthmother and being able to speak out without getting crazy emotional etc.) and so, I said, ” I didn’t expect to be happy”.

Saying that was the strangest reaction. It was heady. I felt weirdly emotional. I was shaky after that admission. And to my bastard passengers I had to say.. wow.. that was heavy.. I think I might need a cigarette after that. Jack pulled over, we got some fast food and I had that needed smoke.

But I think that was a key reason explained in that very simple answer. I had always said that I relished my birthmother grief after losing Max. I didn’t wallow in it, but I didn’t fight it either. I allowed myself to be insanely sad and cry. It was MY grief and I owned it. It was MINE. And in many ways, it was all that I had left. My baby was gone, and the sadness was what I had left and no one was going to deny me. I didn’t expect to be happy, I expected to be sad after placing my baby for adoption and I was. I didn’t not expect that it was going to be OK, that I would have peace and contentment. Mind you, I still thought it was a good idea and that at that time, and for the next decade, I would think that adoption was a great decision, but I didn’t expect to be happy right away.

So three years and days too late, that’s my answer to BJ. It is with the deepest sadness that I know I will never be able to tell her myself. However, I think we might find that a few searches go a little bit faster and maybe a few reunions go a little bit better with her looking down on all of us.

National Adoption Day? Betty Jean Lifton Day!

I do find it a sad ironic truth that she passed the night before, on the eve no less, of this year’s National Adoption Day. We lose her and the very next day, how many celebrate the makings of a new generation of people who will need BJ Lifton’s voice. If there was any truth to the National Adoption Awareness Month, then the day would be dedicated to honoring Betty Jean Lifton; the woman who gave a voice and understanding to adoptees. For anyone now, or in the future, who is even slightly touched by adoption, BJ Lifton has helped them whether they know it or not.

Please take a moment and view the memorial page for her on Facebook. However, my favorite idea comes from another on FB:

“In memory of Betty Jean and how her book started me on my journey to myself, I am donating a copy of Journey of the Adopted Self to my local library in her name in the hope it helps someone as she helped me. It’s the best way I know to ensure her work continues.”