Are Adoption Agencies Being Truthful or Manipulative when They Give Open Adoption Information?

Have you ever thought that somebody was wording something a certain way just to manipulate you? It’s one of my pet peeves. I really don’t think anybody appreciates being talked down to or manipulated. So when I notice it, I’m sure as heck going to point it out.

I’m assuming you are reading this because you are considering placing your baby in an open adoption. If you feel confused about open adoption, you aren’t the only one. When I talk about it with people, we usually have to define what we mean by ‘open adoption’ so that we are both on the same page.

So I’ll be the first to say that trying to find accurate and precise open adoption information is difficult. When I started searching for information to see what was available, it was really disheartening.

I was raised in an open adoption. I have lived it from the age of four. There are a lot of things I can tell you about open adoption, but I don’t presume to be an adoption professional. That’s why I wanted to see what the experts had to say.

And that’s when it got frustrating.

First of all, I noticed most of the open adoption information is very general. Then I noticed the language that was being used – and it was manipulative. Lastly, I noticed how the information was being presented – and again, it was manipulative.

Finally, I had enough. So I’m pointing it out. It’s what I do.

Open Adoption- Only Benefits?

One of the first things I noticed in researching open adoption information is that it was presented as “Open Adoption Benefits.” Something seems a bit off with that language. It’s like somebody talking about the benefits of living a stress free lifestyle. Sure, if life was perfect, we could all live stress free. But that isn’t realistic.

If we just assume open adoption only has benefits, then we are supposed to automatically presume that open adoption is positive. That language frames open adoption as the ‘right’ choice because they are only telling us about benefits.

Are there benefits? Possibly. But what about the challenges? Why aren’t those being discussed?

I guess if we wanted to identify a “benefit” of open adoption as the “experts” define it, one of them would have been that I knew who I looked like. I looked like my biological mom.

But the challenge was that I didn’t see that recognition in the family I was surrounded by. Officially, this is called “genetic mirroring.” As I got older, I looked more and more like her. But every time I looked in the mirror, it was a reminder that she didn’t keep me. It was heartbreaking for me. I began to despise my own reflection because it served as a constant reminder. That’s been difficult for me. And it is ongoing. It’s still something I deal with even now.

Those are the types of challenges that I don’t see covered in these open adoption “benefits” discussions.

And if I’m considering something as important as open adoption, it’s really annoying to know that people are leaving out information.

The Comparison- Open Adoption vs. Closed Adoption

Another manipulation in language I noticed was how they always compare open adoption to closed adoption. Why the constant comparisons? Is it because, and this is just a guess, open adoption has SO many issues with it, that it needs to be compared to something worse?

They never say open adoption vs. parenting your child.

Sure, if we are comparing open adoption to closed adoption, it’s easy to make these types of statements:

• The child will have a better sense of identity.
• The child will have less grief.
• The child will have more access to information about race and heritage.

The same as if we compare open adoption to parenting, it’s easy to make these statements:

• The child will not have as well defined sense of identity.
• The child will experience more grief.
• The child will have less access to information about race and heritage.

So comparisons change everything in the assumptions. That’s why the way they present it makes me so mad! Open adoption has to be evaluated on its own. They intentionally use language to appeal to the person considering open adoption. It’s a marketing scam!

Plus, if we stop looking at comparisons It’s easier to see where there may be problems in open adoption. Taking ‘closed adoption’ out of the picture lets us to focus only on the issue at hand, which then becomes – how does this realistically work. Because it sounds easy in theory, but what about when there are disagreements.

For example, my adoptive mom thought I should do certain chores and she thought I should do them when I was at my biological mom’s house also. After visits when she questioned me about those chores, she didn’t understand that it wasn’t expected of me at my first mom’s house. Then she would gripe at me for not “doing my part.”

She didn’t comprehend ‘two families, two different sets of expectations.’

I had to not only comprehend it, but also make myself fit into it. It wasn’t about comparing my situation to something worse or better. It was just the realities of open adoption.

If someone is presenting information that will affect you and your baby’s future, I think they should give you all of the information so you can make the decision that is right for you. When they try to word things a certain way and present it in a certain way, it is becomes unfair, manipulative and unrealistic!