Funny how sometimes I don’t see how much all this thinking about stuff has really changed me..and then I do see it..and it is rather amazing.

Why Are People So Afraid of Anger?

I work with a young woman who has had a pretty rough road in life. I find her amazing and the word strong is definitely applicable. Her parents and her childhood are way less than perfect. That’s her reality and I am not going into detail as a) it’s not my place and b) that really pisses her off when people pass judgement..but she is a great example of a life where many would think that “she would have been better off being adopted into a stable life” She would kick you in the face if you said that to her.

My point is that with all the issues and problems and some of them a rather huge…mental illness, poverty, drug addiction, crime..she is soooo freaking loyal to her family and has such love..and at a young age is a major caretaker and deals with stuff that many of us really do not want to…she would kick you in the face for dissing the people she loves and who are her family. Is it fair to her..maybe not, but it is her life and her family and she is fine with that. I see her life as an example that sometimes what we might consider “best” fr another is not what they might consider acceptable at all.

Now because of what she deals with, she is a stressed out woman. She also deals with a boss who she has the same crazy amount of loyalty for even though he, while by all accounts, normal and successful, well he has got some stuff going on..at least I think so. If nothing else, there is quite some judgement here.

He is concerned about her “anger”. And without getting into all the nitty gritty details inferred tat it is not healthy and he “worries”. Never mind how he contributes to it and eggs it on..with some very weird and almost sicky undercurrents..what was implied really pissed me off.

I am so sick of people being afraid of anger. Myself included, as I fear, an angry beast.

I mean, of course, she is angry. Of course, she has stress. It would be really unhealthy if she was OK with all the crap!! Ladeda..life is a bed of roses! NOT! I just don’t get anymore why any negative emotion..or any emotion that is really just perceived as negative, is so damn awful. It’s not OK to be pissy, or sad, or stress, or down..we all have to be happy happy all the time and if not..well then go to the doctor and get some pills to make you easier and more comfortable for others to manage!!

I was really mad at what this man inferred to me. One, because he had no right to talk to me about it. He doesn’t really know what I know about her..and his knowledge of her private life should have been that Private. But then I could feel the anger I had, for having to hear over and over again abut being angry and bitter for all the moms who have lost their children. Stop trying to control how others feel because it makes you uncomfortable.

Anger is Real and  a Natural Response

This woman is real, she is authentic, she lives hard, she plays hard, and life is hard..and she gets pissed.

Our pain is real. Our loss is real. If we are to be authentic, then it needs to be out there and we, too, can be pissed..or sad, or whatever we are.
What I am seeing is that people seem to find anger, most especially in women, as something it be judged. That it makes us, females, less in some way.

Now the thing is that there is appropriate anger and inappropriate anger. What is NOT to be judged as appropriate or inappropriate is what causes the anger. That gets into that whole rhelm of feelings not being right or wrong. It is the way the anger is expressed that can really be judged.

How to Express Anger with Social Constructs

This IS something that I end up dealing with a lot. I have children that I do raise..and we know that teaching words for feelings and how to express them is what does positive stuff like prevent the temper tantrums, etc. You do not hit your brother with the block because he wants it and you do not feel like sharing. Screaming is not the right way to get Daddy to give you ice cream right now.

This was put in my face today. Mr. I am fourteen and I want to go snowboarding very Saturday was quite put out because he was nixed in his plans. Granted he has a cold, and we are suppose to be getting a blizzard, and his father expressed desire to see him…a whole bunch of little things that were just life that added up to me saying “You know what..I don’t think this is going to be happening today for you”

Which did not make me wonder mom in is eyes. Whatever.

Anyway, in the course of this, I asked him something, after I had reneged the permission and he sulked back to bed, and he was “pissed off because he can’t talk” Not that I wouldn’t let him talk, but that his voice was very horse and hurt..and he ended up either “tossing” or throwing his cell phone, which either “bounced off his clothes on his dresser” or”almost hit me” depending on either of our versions.

I saw it as acting out in anger and NOT appropriate..and my first response was “OH, nice ..now you are grounded for a week” which is exactly the same ruling that his father and step father came up with when relayed the story.

So we ended up having a discussion on WHY he was grounded which was really a “try to talk mom out of it because I really want to go to that skatebaording thing tomorrow”..and in that he said that he was not going to be “some girly and wah wah talk about why” he felt all frustrated.

So men can be angry. The can stomp and yell. They can throw things. They can punch walls. They can punch people. All because they get pissed off and can’t do what they want or someone looks at their girl funny or they get cut off in traffic.

But a woman, who is angry because she has tons of stress or had her child denied to her is bad for even saying that it makes her feel angry. God forbid she stomps around or expresses it..then she is a bitch, or on the rag, or bitter, or in need of therapy, or some pill, or she must go aay for 10 days and meditate to get control of herself and become all sweet and light again.

It amazes me..and you know what else..this double standard really makes me angry.

Anger is a Justified Emotional Response to Injustice

I don’t think anyone should punch a wall. But I do not think that there is anything wrong with anyone having the ability to say “This is not right. This is what happened, and this is how I feel and I an very mad about it” In fact, it should be said..and it should be hear without judgement or an attempt to make the anger go away. It’s normal, it’s healthy, and really, it is our God given and human right to feel anger about certain things. And if we pretend in order to be “acceptable” that we don’t feel these emotions..then is anything going to change? I man, why should it.

I look at it this way..if I am angry at my kids for trashing the bathroom for the 18th time..and they don’t like to make Mommy angry, then they have the choice to either stop trashing the bathroom or deal with the consequences of the anger…which is times outs or having to clean the bathroom themselves. If I am angry about how adoption is practiced in this counrty, and people want me to stop being angry, then they can either help me try to change it, or deal with the fact that I will continue to be an angry/ passionate/ motivated woman.

If enough of us use our words..not our fists..not our mid air telephones in flight..not cursing..nor name calling, but our distinct and define choice of words to communicate and to speak about how this makes us feel..then we will make enough people uncomfortable enough that they really want us to stop. There is not a great big Prozac pill that they can give to a nation of childless mothers, so there will have to be another way.

And that is to change what makes us angry and keeps us speaking out.

And until then..I will be a good role model to my husband, who also used to throw phones, and children, who still scream and stop their feet and throw things, and the other still voiceless mothers, who might be trying to act happy and be considered accepted and “good”, or just want to scream and stomp feet..and I will use my words to say: I don’t like many things in adoption practices today and this hurt, pain and loss of unnecessary infant adoptions makes me angry.

Grrrrr.