So I got over my good dose of procrastination, and sat down to begin to write The letter. I was doing pretty good, three pages in, and then my dear husband broke the attic devide and came over to my side of the office and looked at my draft..
“What are you writing?”
“A leter to Max’s parents”
“Why”
“because they are upset and I want to try to make it better for Max”
“Can’t you get in trouble for that?”
“For a letter..? It’s a letter, not a mail bomb”
“Yeah, but your admitting that you contacted him and that could get you in trouble”
“No, it can’t. Four months ago they could have gotten a restraining order against me for Max, but now, he is 18 and he wants contact. All I am trying to do is make it easier on my child”
” I can’t believe you just called him your child”
OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!
It was not a good discussion. It was something that I did not want to have. I told him that. He insisited. It was a “calm rational discussion” for him while speaking of other viewpoints. Don’t I see any value in hearing anyone else’s opnion if it differs from my own?? I don’t know why he found it necessary to play Devil’s advocate.
I found it to be extremely hurtful and terribly damaging. Somehow, I didn’t completely lose it until it was over, then I sobbed. His words, to me, were cutting like a knife deep ito my very mother soul. All the things that I work for changing, all the bad uneducated thoughts and falaicies about adoption..came from my own husbands mouth last night. It was like I had a real life mean Troll in my house.
I can’t even repeat them. I cannot give them more power. I cannot share the level of horror for if I did, well then a posse of angry mommas might put a contract out on him. Last night, I would have welcomed that. Last night, I saw the end of my marriage. Thank God, today he apologized. Without prompting. I fiqured I was going to either have to ignore him forever or kill him, but a divorce was probably more in line. …I was planning on just hating him, but…for whatever reason the idiot phase left his brain and he came to me with an apology this AM, full of pride and praise for me, my work here, and Max..and lots of “I know it will be OK”…so go freaking fiqure!!
I am beginning to wonder if he wasn’t effected by a virus fed by an adopter troll…Though I know it is more of the fact that he “likes” a good debate, and does not seem to get that THIS is NOT debatable at all. And he wonders why I don’t share this stuff more with him! It kills me because he has been good with it all for a while, but perhaps the hopefully soon visit got him all in a twist.
What got me the most was his insisting that “it’s good to hear another outside opnion” and I kept on going “yeah, I know the opinion..and I don’t care to hear it spoken by you..it’s uneducated and wrong, and from you it really hurts me so deeply” and he was insulted that I could speak the agruement on line, but not be abe to go there with him..WTF! He insists I shut him out, but he also will not venture anywhere I go and read, so his esteemed opinion is nothing more than a hurt child acting out coupled with generic society views.
I know it is jealousy, insecurity, and his own issues..( not satisfactory reunion with his own bio father…he’s adoptee lite)..but still….don’t invade my emotional health with your crap!!! All I can say is that he is lucky he apologized…smart move in is part, last night ..not so smart.
Idiot men!
Needless to say, it broke my roll on the letter..and I was doing so well!! This morning, I have a headache and puffy eyes form crying. I guess it does not say such great things about me if I can’t even educate the man I live with, but it is more of his “way” of discussion. I am NOT the only one who wants to thrust my head against a brick wall when talking to him. His long time friends claim I am up for sainthood.
Does stigmarta heal?
My hubby and I had a similar um, “discussion”, this winter. Only I wasn’t brave enough to write about it in my blog. You’re not alone. I’m sorry for the hurt. ((Claud))
When I first found L. my husband questioned me calling her my daughter. I got really angry and said “Well what the fuck to you call the girl baby you give birth to???” of course she’s my daughter, of course Max is your child. I am so glad he apologized.
My husband understands that she is my daughter,he has welcomed her into our lives, into our home and has done so emotionally and financially.
I am trying to get my husband to write a post about what it’s like to be a husband of a mother like me but he’s too busy, and besides he can barely write a birthday card let alone a post. Not that he isn’t a writer, he’s just a bit shy.
Sorry that you got upset Claud, it’s good that he learnt not to say things like that.
Of course Max is your son, and Max knows that too, Max sees you as his mother, that’s what counts.
oh boy. i am so with you sister. i really am. been there. done that. my hubby “kinda” gets it. he gets her, he welcomes her, he has no issues with her being my child, etc. he really is quite dear about her. but well, as for other adoption thoughts, and the “reunion” that happened with my daughters father, thats a total can of worms.
Oh, Claud. I’m so very sorry – for the puffy eyes, the hurt and the the feeling of isolation too that comes with being bashed and misunderstood. Hang in. He may get it – after he’s taken in your distress and worked through his own. If he’s an adoptee lite (?) that could explain some about his reaction.
He apologised – good man (smart man!). Hopefully he’ll think about it some more and *then* you can talk.
Like kim.kim’s husband, mine gets it completely. Always has. But I do think these things aren’t always easy for spouses, even the most saintly among them. They have their own conflicts too and I suspect that perhaps they sometimes feel deserted by us just *because* we are so wrapped up in our obsessions and with “working things out”.
Max is your son. You are his mother. It really is very simple. Just hang on to that, and do what you have to do.
Claud,
I am so sorry that you were so hurt by your husband. I am also so glad that he apologized. He is very lucky that you are so forgiving!
I have been very lucky in that respect. The other day after watching a show that seemed to show every aspect of the world we frequent, my husband and I were having a discussion about adoption and everything that I deal with. He was asking me a million questions. I realized then that even though I am immersed in this and he knows my general beliefs, I have not shared all of the reasons why. So really, if he doesn’t understand, it is partly my fault. The only information he is getting is the same as the rest of society. Now, instead of telling him my views, I have to make sure he knows why I hold them so he can be educated and make up his own mind and understand why I believe what I believe.
My Jaw Dropped reading this post.
Aw, Claud -huge hugs-
Men suck sometimes.
I’ve noticed that men (even adopted ones) rarely seem to “get” the adoption stuff. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve only met a handful of men involved with adoption who seem to understand the emotions the same way women do. I’m not sure what that’s about.
Connie pegged the way it is for me and my husband – my husband knows my thoughts about adoption, but he doesn’t understand the reasoning BEHIND those thoughts. He tries. He really tries. And that’s what I focus on, even when I feel frustrated, is that he IS trying.
Max is your son just as I am my mom’s daughter, my sister’s sister, my brother’s sister. That’s how I think of myself and how they think of me – what anyone else thinks I am free to ignore. 😉
This must be a universal deal with husbands! My husband is a near saint and I can’t imagine having made it through reunion without him. 5 years into reunion, and he sometimes sounds just like me when he talks about adoption. He even gets really irate sometimes now when he hears someone spouting ignorant stuff!
But,during the first week of reunion, he once said to me, “He’s not really your son you know”. It wounded me to the core – I screamed, “Yes, he is” and then bawled my eyes out.
The sad truth is I didn’t even think of him as my son until he found me. Now I know that I always was and will be his mom – even if no one else knows I do.
Our families and friends all come up to speed at varying levels and times. Some never came up. My husband knows for certain and would never deny that my son is that. He has made him as welcome in our home as the son I raised.
I cried so much that first year I finally had to find a remedy for puffy eyes so I could go to work without the world knowing. Teabags work great on the eyelids for 10-15 minutes. Steep,then let them cool and slap them on.
I too am sorry that you had to hear that from your husband. Like mine he is probably trying to “even you out”. I have told my husband not to even try – I know the good about adoption – don’t need or want to hear it.
Words of advice, don’t try to write the perfect letter to Max’s other parents. They probably won’t appreciate it anyway. Keep it simple, short and non-dramatic. And, please my friend, do not try to take on too much in reunion. Worry more about yourself. Max will work things out with them fine and you do not need to take that on too.
Concentrate on you and Max. You’re a lovey mama bear and want to fix it all. You can’t – be responsible for you and let everyone else do the same. Sorry this is soooo long!
Hope you know my heart’s with you -wish we were closer so I could offer a hug and a shoulder and a listening spirit!
Don’t blame your husband for his ignorance – it takes time for them – if we were stupid, why wouldn’t we expect them to be too? Make peace with him, he’s only trying to help as poorly as his last attempt was. Huge learning curve – my husband still needs more lessons!
Hugs,
Cookie
(((hugs)))
I guess I’m ‘lucky’, as my bf is totally accepting. But, also, I think he knows that I love him, and feels secure in our relationship.
It sounds like yours is dealing with other issues in his own adoption, maybe the pain, etc. You gotta do what’s right for you.
As for a letter to the aparents…. scary….
Will not talk about my ex-spouse who is totally ingnoratn. Lucky for him he apologized, or I would have to hunt him down and kick his ass for him!
Seriously tho, I am glad he thought better of what he said, too many SO’s don’t get it..
(((((((((Claud))))))))))) look for mail later sugar.. : )
Ah…thank you all for sharing your moron moments..it is, as always, good to know that I am not alone.
His saving grace has always been his learning curve..it is visable, and constantly moving..and really, he is much better than I ever thought he would be about everything…it’s just when I think he is better about this stuff..like totally FINE last week when I told the kids…and then POOF..add water instant dickhead… funny thing is that I think he really thinks he is “helping ” me, but I really think he is working out his own stuff.
Cookie is good. Cookie is wise.
I think, harken to Cookie.
Her “less is more” suggestion makes good sense.
(My “more” is generally overload ;-))
I do unabashedly suggest though, that, when in doubt, you ask his advice.
Yeah, I know less is more, but I have never been able to master that. Like I really just cannot do it..and if I try..I end up editting myself so badly.
I am just writing..open, freely, 100% me..because really..that’s who I am..and they can do with it what they will…I don’t want to play games..I want to be open and honest and free..and it is in the attempt and the act of the writing and reaching out that either will or will not work..after that…I am not going to get worked up.
I will speak the truth, my truth, and they can interpetit as they will.
I can only control myself. I can only try for my son.
hey Claud, could you please email me. I have something I want to email you and its of great importance!
dscvrlife @ bellsouth dot net
I was so blown away by this post. I seem to comment to you often “YES! I know exactly what you mean!” But honestly, I too have a debate fanatic as a husband. Absolutely EVERYTHING must be debated.
He tried to debate open records with me the other night and I had a meltdown. I could not believe he would choose to debate THIS particular subject with me. He knows how dear to my heart it is. There are just some sacred subjects he needs to either agree loudly or disagree silently about you know?
Guess what? I made him read your post and I saw a tear. I think hearing (from someone other than me) how damaging it can be really helped, so thank you!
I wish you all the best with your letter.
Mia..glad I can help..Ha..I even make men cry!!!
Does he fight like he has to “win” too??? Maybe they were separated at birth? lol
That’s what I told him!!!! Hey, look maybe you are adopted after all! You sure SOUND related! lolol
Win? uh……….YEA! Unquestionably must win regardless of the subject. I swear Claud he would debate against even a subect HE BELIEVES in just for the sake of a good arguement.
Normal conversation is beyond him.
Other than that though he’s awesome. ;o)
OMG…that is too funny.
That’s perfect too…Normal coversation is beyond him…and he does not get it when I say that…”No, this is not a normal calm discussion/conversation”…and tries to say it is ME!!! And I KNOW that ain’t it!! lol
But he’s a really good man…just an idiot if you happen to need to have a discussion..lol
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