It’s a big birthday week here in Adoption land.

If I recall correctly, and I might not so please forgive me…Gershom begins it tomorrow, I go on Thursday the 24th and then Jenna rounds us off on the 25th??

What I do know for sure (as I wouldn’t bet money that I get their two dates correctly)is that I am in a damn fine group. I don’t know if the stars line up all special like on these days, I am proud to be part of this trifecta of Taurus. Maybe it is the stereotype of the strong stubborn bullheadedness, but its a pretty good time. Jenna is published in Redbook this May , Gershom is a major force with the Adoptee Rights Protest, and I’ll just coast on a bit with Adoption Today and Alltop to feel warm and fuzzy.

Being the oldest of the three..ok waaaayyyy older..I can’t help but to get a sniffily kind of proud momma feeling with those two. Actually I get that with quite a few of our bunch..and likewise stand in awe at the mothers who have gone before me, but when I think about it.. I have “known” these fine moms for years now.

Gershom was going by another name when we both stumbled upon the now gone MSN adoption forum. I was there when she first became the adoptee rights girl who cried out in anger and pain. I was there when she found her mother. I was there as she struggled to understand, when she found out that she herself was to be a mom..and then a mom again. We both grew so much together..on separate paths.. her as an adoptee, me as a mom…

And Jenna…I was “undercover” at a closed MSN forum that I can’t even recall the name of ( probably blocking it as it did not end well at all…bad story, bad idea. Jenna had just given birth to the Munchkin and was in the early stages of believing the machine. And like many, I recall vividly as she struggled to find her truth, walk the line and come to terms with both the good and the bad of what the adoption machine brought to her life.

I know for a fact that I share my birthday with Barbara Streisand and Shirley McClain ( oh lookie..Kelly Clarkson and Jill Ireland too!) and that for years I have joke that I am mad at Babs and Shirley as they always celebrate together, but never invite me. Truthfully, Geshom and Jenna are more amazing to me. I would rather share my cake with them any day.

(edited to add..I know there are other birthdays in Adoptionland now…feel free to join in! Sorry, if I mad a blunder and forgot you..I’m getting old you know!)

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Speaking of the evil day. I am turning forty in less than 48 hours. Rye, Colleen and Garin basically told me that I have no choice and I would be having a party. I countered that I would rather inhale quicksand and cow dung, but they weren’t having any of that. After much discussion and such, we are throwing a huge party this Saturday night for family and friends and neighbors. And I get a cake too.
I really really would be protesting more, but we recently lost a friend and former neighbor in a yucky Heath Ledger kind of way…so I have a new appreciation for the needs of people to get together for a happy occasion. Of course, that means that I have to be the sacrificial lamb, but hey..someones got to do it and time keep ticking anyhoo.

The bonus of the party is that Rye has be seriously kicking ass with getting the house in gear. My pond.. long desired since I moved into this house over 10 years ago…. is now an actuality. One of our friends even gave us two baby Koi fish as his procreated. The kids are too big to drown in it now too and it is a huge water bowl for the dog. Plus the very soothing sound of the carefully crafted and then re-crafted and then re-crafted yet again waterfall is very pleasing to, not only us, but other neighbors as well. My backyard is looking very fine indeed and so is tho house.

Of course the big bonus of the party is that my brother has a good excuse to come down from Boston to visit me. I am hoping that Max will do the same, but Colleen told me that she has yet to hear a reply from Mr. Cannotpossiblyanswerhisemail, so I am not going to hold my breath. Granted he did that for the wedding too, but that day it was also a great huge surprise, so part of me is totally hoping that the same deal holds true. I would be happy turning the big 4-0 if all my kids would be here, but I shall live either way.

Yeah, I am full of crap.. it would totally make the day. I miss him.

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I have had some time to think about turning forty. I know for some it is not old to you, because you are older, but as I always say: It’s the oldest that I have ever been.
It just really is soooooo…adult aged. No excuses anymore.. you pretty much have to face that you are,. for the most part, who you are. And really, I’m good with all that. I have a pretty good life. I have a wonderful husband to whom I feel closer to almost every day. I have four amazing kids. I have a great house. A fun job where I learn things all the time. I adore my neighborhood, my city, my neighbors, my land. Granted we are broke on the money front and, well this damn arm is still broke too, but as I tell the kids when they wist about “being rich” that is we have to be lacking in something..money is not the worst thing to be missing. Most days I believe that myself.

The thing about turning older is that I realized…well hold on..I need to back tack.

You know how when you think of yourself you kind of have this mental image of who you are? I guess it’s like you internal self or something..like the way your own voice sounds different in your own head. This internal self never really changes. Like who I felt as “me” when I was 4 or 14, or 19, or 24, 30, 35.. it’s always the same. And I do believe this happens with everyone..mostly.. but I have heard many a story of an older person..almost elderly in this case.. where they look in the mirror and are surprised by the reflection of an old person. Because they don’t feel the same way as the mirror.. they are still their internal self.

Now sometimes, I look in the mirror and I see my mother and it kinds of freaks me out. Not so much that I am upset that I look like her..after all she was my natural mother..so it stands to reason that I would, but it’s usually a passing glance and I would much rather it actually BE her, so in some way it kind of reintroduces the loss of her and then also is comforting.

In any case, like two weeks ago I was attacking my eyebrows and felt very “Geraldine” physically. So I am pondering this whole turning forty thing and it occurs to me that while the mirror might change, who I am inside won’t..ever, I think. But what does change with the passing of years is the possibilities.

Like at 16, I was still going to do so much. I was going to conqure the art world of Manhattan, be at a party with Andy Warhol and Dianne Brill, I was going to live this great life and own a club and be famous for something. At was all in my head and when Warhol died that bubble burst, but still the only thing holding me back from uber coolness was that no one said uber and my parents were a drag.

At 19, even after surrendering Max, I thought that good things were now BOUND to happen to me , due by my great sacrifice of my child and I was bolstered by the possibilities of living happily ever after.

At 23, facing a divorce with a young son in tow, I still believed in Karma and good things happening to good people. I still had dreams and plans and high hopes.

I could go on, but you get the picture?

There were all these “lives”, all these “women” that I had yet to become…they were in my head as surely as my internal self lived in my head, but there were so many possibilities still of who I could be. Turing forty means that many of them just have to be let go. There just is no more time for some things.

• I won’t ever get discovered as a model or actress or great artist.
• I won’t ever be the kick ass lead singer of some amazing band and go on a world wide tour.
• I really doubt that I will ever get an Oscar or a Grammy or be on the cover of a magazine.
• I probably won’t put Martha Stewart to shame and have my own show on HG TV.
• I’m not going to run for office nor find the cure for cancer or walk on the moon.
• Brad Pitt doe not love me, nor does Jude Law, Ewen Mac Gregor, nor George Clooney..in fact I have even given up on my beloved Adam Ant..sigh. He didn’t get the virginity that I saved for him nor will I marry him. Which is OK as Rye would be pissed off big time! And besides, Adam has not aged all that well..oh heck.. I would scream like a 14 year old school girl in a second if I saw him again.
• George Lucas did not cast me as Queen Amidala in the prequels.
• I’m sooo not rich…traveling all over the world in my great exciting job.
• I probably will not have an amazing pink 1968 beetle convertible.
• And if I ever do get to go across the US, it will have to be when we retire…but we can’t retire coz we are so not rich at all.
• And I even doubt that I will ever win Lotto.

Really, it’s a silly kind of list and most of it is very shallow, but what is gone now is the “someday…”

Someday things will be better, different, more somehow or less…
Someday I will be different, better, more somehow or less…
But really, those ” somedays” are all gone and what I have is these days,, and I’m not any different really, nor much better, more anything or less..( which translates into super skinny and fit..and we can add four inches taller there too…)

And, again, it’s not that I have an issue with who I *am* or my life..it’s that turning forty means that one really has to left go of some deep childhood/internal self hopes, dreams and fantasies. And some of them are just plan crazy..like I never had a great desire to act or sing so the Oscar /rock band stuff is silly, but it was that fantasy that sometimes could really entertain my thoughts.

Reality is that I am woman..a wife and a mother.. I am a blogger who sometimes gets paid to write drivel and sometimes I don’t get paid to write really good stuff…I sometimes kick ass and sometimes even I desire the shelter of denial and let’s pretend that this adoption surrender stuff doesn’t exist.. that I am not going to have any more children, but that ones I have are pretty incredible and wow..who would have thunk that I would have four kids! I sometimes feel like a professional sock puppet and sometimes I feel like I am helping someone, someplace…that I might actually finsih writing a book, or I might continue to think about it forever…that I probably will have only half the function in my left arm ( still processing that one)…..but there are still many things that I want to do and things that I want to get done, but I know that the day is only so long and sleep is my friend not my enemy and I can’t be all things to all people and that every day is precious and we all stuggle sometimes and thats ok too…it’s ok not to be perfect…and I suck at quitting smoking too…le sigh.

And it’s all ok. It’s just letting go of some things..deep inside… without letting go of the actual me. Or maybe it’s rediscovering a new me..at thirty I would never have imagined me now, nor at 20 and the 16 year old me might have been horrified, so where might I be at 50 ..at 60? Who will be that silver haired face that looks back at me in twenty years and what has she been doing??

***

I’m going to hang on to some. After all, forty is the new thirty you know. And the life expectancy keeps getting longer…so maybe…there are some new fantasies after all. I do wish I was wrong about Lotto…

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Oh and if anyone is going be around in my neck of the woods this Saturday the 26th, stop on by!! Bring a bottle and bowl of something to share…consider yourself invited! ha, I’m such an idiot..I invite the whole Internet!! LOL