Adoption Affects MANY people; Should More Have a Say?

I like it when I am talking adoption issues and it helps me figure some things out. A perfect example of this happened last month during the initial hour and half conversation that turned into the article just published on  In These Times; the Adoption Industrial Complex. There was tons of great issues, points, and conversations that did not make it to the actual article.

In the conversation, towards the end, we were discussing if a mother considering adoption can be, for lack of a better word, “trusted” to make the adoption decision on her own. I want to say that it came about from discussing whether adoption is an actual “choice” and whether the choice is at all empowering to women as the adoption industry would like us to think, but I can’t say for sure because it was, after all, a conversation had back in October! Anyway, I can’t help but to say, like I always, do that I had no idea what I was doing when I relinquished and really should not have been able to make such a choice.

Now this does conflict with my feelings on women making the reproductive choices when it comes to her body and abortion and that has always been something that I struggled with internally.

Now despite my recent rant discussing why we MUST NOT TALK ABOUT ADOPTION AND ABORTION IN THE SAME SENTENCE; I am going to now talk about adoption and abortion in the same sentence/ post.

Her Body, Her Choice in Abortion

For example, I do not believe that passing legislation that requires a woman to undergo a waiting period, or an ultrasound, of a vaginal rape by an ultrasound, or a training class  before she undergoes an abortion is needed or correct. While these requirements might in fact decrease the numbers of women that undergo abortions, it is not because women do not want to actually have the abortions – which sounds  wrong as I write this; no women wants to undergo an abortion, but the desire to not be pregnant overrides that and really, once pregnant, aside from praying for a miscarriage, an abortion is pretty much the only way to get un-pregnant – anyway, a woman doesn’t suddenly want a child because she is denied the abortion or because the abortion requirements are a huge pain or complicate things enough that her window of opportunity is passed. It’s more like the obstacles between her and the opportunity to be not pregnant become too vast due to other people’s ideas, and that, IMO, is wrong.

So while I am not a fan of abortions and do not think they should be used as birth control, I see them as a necessary evil that needs to be there for a women to be able to control her fertility and, in essence, be master of her own life. We don’t need a politician’s second guessing. We don’t need fail safes and someone hanging over our shoulder’s asking “Are you sure?”. We don’t need notes from mommy. We don’t need to see pictures of our embryos. Women need safe, affordable, accessible reproductive choices, especially birth control and sometimes, abortion.

Her Body, Her Baby, NOT Her Choice in Adoption?

I feel COMPLETELY different when it comes to adoption.

With abortion, I trust a women to know what she wants and exercise her right to make an informed choice. With adoption,  I feel like she has no clue, cannot know what she wants and is not making an informed choice.

This has plagued me.  Why are my feelings different? Now granted, adoption and abortion are NOT the same choices and there for is it accurate for my feelings around the two to be different? Perhaps, but I still feel conflicted. I can trust a woman to make a sound choice in one direct, but not a sound choice in another direction. It feels weird.

And so, I go back to the original conversation I  was having when I was presented with this very same question and suddenly it was as if the skies opened up and everything became clear. The light beamed down upon me and I understood.

The Collateral Damage- Not Just HER

When a woman makes the choice to terminate a pregnancy; essentially HER decision ONLY affects her. Granted it can also affect the father of the child should he know about it and it will in whatever way  you happen to believe affect the embryo who will not be born, but that’s it. At the end of the day only SHE needs to live with what she has decided.

Adoption on the other hand is not that simple. It does not create a choice and simple consequences of that choice whether they be guilt or sadness or relief. Adoption creates a real live walking talking HUMAN BEING. Yes, it affects the mother, but she is deciding for ANOTHER HUMAN BEING AS WELL. She is often the ONE deciding if that child will know his or her father and the full paternal family. She is deciding if there is contact between her whole maternal family. She is deciding if siblings will know each other if grandparents will know their grandchild, of uncles and aunts know their blood. It’s not even just that she will be unaware of the long term ramifications of adoption on herself because I don’t trust the agencies to tell her, but with her limited information she is deciding for MANY real people that WILL be affected not just one time, but for life including and especially the very real adoptee.

Second, Third , Fourth Guess the Adoption Decision

So you know what? Yeah.. let’s second guess her. Let’s double check and make sure that she knows what the hell she is doing. Let’s make sure that she understands the long term affects  of adoption on her child.. and on her other children born or yet unborn. Let her know how adoption affects future generations.

And THAT’S why I feel differently about the choice a woman CAN make when facing an unplanned pregnancy. There  is a major difference in the numbers of who is affected, so she better be real sure. AND if she doesn’t like all that questioning, then maybe she is not ready to make such life altering decisions for other people.

I know I wasn’t ready. I wish someone had really questioned me.