AND THE UNICORN JUMPED OVER THE MOON, 2023: 20″X 24″ acrylics, glitter, hot glue, foam, ribbons, balloons & found objects on canvas and cardboard

“I’m down because two months ago my wife and I decided that our marriage was over. Trying to plan the split.. and on top of that, a few weeks ago, like it was some kind of magic at work, I met a unicorn., Got to spend some time with her this weekend and now it’s back to the real world.”

I read these words, written by my husband, on September 20, 2021.
He had written them to a non relevant FB person on August 18, 2021. The next day was our 22 anniversary. We went out to dinner. Even had sex for the first (last!!!) time in so long I couldn’t remember when. He negated to mention to me that he had met someone and started dating. It didn’t even come up once in the marriage counselling we went to on the laptop every week since spring.

While I was in no way happy to read those words and understand their full implications, I truthfully was, by then, not surprised. We were in a very bad spot and, in fact, the marriage would be completely over within a week’s time, but more than that, I told he was going to DO EXACTLY WHAT HE DID MONTHS BEFORE!

It was one of the newer themes on our endless arguments that summer; he was going out “for a beer after work” and disappearing for hours; hanging out with his newer, younger work buddies because “it’s nice to be with people who really like me”. I told him, “These are not the actions of a man who is supposedly actively trying to save his marriage. You are putting yourself in a terribly vulnerable position. We aren’t good. You are going out, getting drunk, with people who have no allegiance to me. This is how bad things happen.”

Of course, I was told that I was crazy. And see, how I didn’t trust him; THAT’s the problem! I was trying to control him. I just didn’t want him to have fun. And my favorite , it was ABUSIVE OF ME, to NOT BE SUPPORTIVE when he went on a 2 day bender while I was away on a scheduled long weekend. It was wrong of me to not be happy and excited that he went to NYC that Saturday night after “staying on a friends couch in New Paltz” to some “dive bar” ( ::cough cough:: Sophies NYC ::cough cough::) where he did Molly (MDMA/ ecstasy).

So I knew it was coming. Or it was more like my gut was totally confirmed. Still sucked big time.

I really never ever expected him to cheat on me. I mean, maybe I am an idiot, but I really did always trust him in that way. He was so AGAINST any kind of infidelity. Like to the point if anything would come on TV, like where the plot was about cheating in a relationship, he didn’t want to watch it. He hated on the characters for the cheating across the board. And he would say things about how terrible cheating was and there was no excuse it for, people should just, “man up and get out of the relationship before you start a new one.” Of course I saw this as a sign of his pure character and foundational shared morals. I believed him. Completely. I used to JOKE about how freaking unsuspicious and trusting I was. Never questioned where he “really” was. I have heard stories from a few trusted folks that cause me to definitely see his stance on infidelity as more of a cover up. Perhaps some twisted projection, perhaps he couldn’t watch out of guilt. I have no idea what really went on behind my back.

_________

Still wasn’t even looking to catch him cheating at all! Despite my consistent warnings and his escalating behavior, I honestly stumbled on the damn message.

I was minding my business folding our laundry. Scarlett came in and started complaining about a new T-shirt he had recently acquired from some Facebook group or page he belonged to that was called something really super close to Beer, Butts, Bourbon, and BBQ. She felt it was nasty and quite misogynistic of him. I had NOT been paying attention to that sort of thing, so I was totally stumped as to what group or T-shirt she meant, so of course, I go to my phone to find the group so I can see what it’s about. It won’t come up in my search. So, logically, I go to his computer to find it.

Now going to his computer when needed was, previously, NOT A BIG DEAL. Some of my older files were only on his desktop. I knew his passcode. He would keep his device signed on to facebook and I would hear his messages pop all day and never bothered to look unless the noise was overwhelming and then I would just silence it. My point is, there was nothing crazy about me thinking that i would just pop on his desktop, open facebook, find the group on his list so I could see what stupid page she was talking about.

So her and I walked into the office he and I shared and that is exactly what we did.

And we made fun of the group for the level of toxic masculinity it seemed to cater to. We wondered why the moderator, a woman, would post so many pictures of hers and other women’s butts? We laughed and deemed it pathetic and stupid, but there still seemed, like any community, some value, some support? I saw people writing kind things and wondered if he, especially in his recent struggles, might be, hopefully, finding something positive there too? So I looked to see what he had, if anything, contributed to in way of conversations.

There was a post! He was asking what people were doing to keep their spirits up as he was having a tough time. And I actually was reading the damn comments thinking, “Oh good! He’s getting some good advice here. Maybe this will help him!” And then I saw it. He replied to a comment or two; “I’ll PM you” and I felt my heart skip a beat and I got that bad whoosy feeling, but our daughter was still right there and I played if off with no reaction at all. We kept reading, but I am on zombie mode now. My brain is going and I know with completely certainty that there is no way I can forget that my husband is entering in private facebook chats with completely unknown to me internet ladies. I know this will eat me away inside and there is no way i can live without knowing. I can’t find any good excuse to pretend away what I saw.

So, I ask Scarlett to please leave me alone now in the office so she is not part of this anymore. It is no longer innocent. I have suddenly become a women who I never thought I would ever have to be, a women who I always swore I never would ever be, but I am going to now check my husband’s private messages because NO, I do NOT trust him any longer.

And I find those words.

So over two years later, I can finally take these words and print them out. I can write the words and say them. I can accept the reality that indeed, my husband cheater on me. I am THAT woman. I had THAT marriage. And I am not ashamed any longer. It is not a refection on me. I wanted to do some kind of processing thought art around using those exact words. The rest of it just happened rather organically.

I had no intention of painting a volcano at all, but rather was once again, just feeling color and painting what quickly was the two base spirals. I do have a thing about painting spirals. Its about the flow. It feels good, so I went with it. Initially I had planned on having bigger construction at the base that was more representational of the enormity of the 22 years of the relationships, but that still feels overwhelming, so I just painted with zero planning.

In my head, each circle becomes representations of us; the constant swirling, spinning confusion of what we became. As I painted, the mountain formed through color and then was, of course, a volcano exploding. It’s pretty much base symbolism 101 at this point; we came together and grow from the ground up over the years, each contributing, constant pressure. I’m holding out for the diamond, but the pressure is to much and we explode; all the many bits of earth and rock and mud that were together are now going their separate ways.

The moon was a happy accident of first, too much white paint on my brush and then, the glitter glue dripping. So it became MY side; I added the star as my very first tattoo was a crescent moon and star and now it’s obviously crying.

Oddly enough the letter ” k” came down form nowhere and decided to stick there on it’s own by the moon. “Ok” was the answer I had been told I should give him as it was an acceptable answer. “Just say OK” was a common phrase in this house. “Why can’t you just say OK to anything?” was a common complaint. The kids got the indoctrination too. K got to stay in the paint for that reason.

His side is a black hole. Everything he sucks out of the sky, everything he has sucked dry from me, just goes into his endless, bottomless, black hole of a soul.

___________________________

I think I put more care and concern in the making of this damn unicorn that SHE did regarding my home, children and life.

There IS a she. Despite him insisting on that day that “he didn’t even know her name” and she was just “some random person he met who told him he deserved to be happy”, Garin would catch him and her acting really suspicious, or “sus” as the kids say, within the week and I will demand that he leave once and for all on the 26th. He claimed he was just “picking up a package (of cocaine) for a friend that he must protect from me.
Other people see them together. I am told. Ouch. When months later I decide that I should at least know what she looks like in case I run into her someplace, I immediately get told her name from a source. There is no hesitation of whom we are talking about. He later claimed he only had and emotional affair and it wasn’t AMA, it was her friend AMY who no one has ever heard of but she’s now in California. That they live together now is just coincidence, right? Just roommates and one of them “sleeps on the couch”, but she was/ is married? I don’t know! I’ll probably never know what the fuck actually happened in my life and what roll this damn UNICORN played in it but I can tell you this:

There is a definite connection between unicorn farts and glitter falling like the truth. And nothing stops until the truth is told.