and wait some more.
I KNOW they have had to recieve the letter by now. I sent it Monday. It is Saturday. The postal service is not that bad.
I keep on checking my bulk mail box and deleated any crap as I don’t want them to be lost in it. I keep checking my reglular mailbox too. I keep yelling myself that they will needs time to digest, process, repsond…but the anxiety is creaaping up on me. I feel like I am being pulled tighter, stretched thinner, more tighty strung. And I know it will only get worse.
While I waited for my “first” update from them, I played such mental games. If I thought about it, then it would not be there in my mail box, if I forgot about it, then it might. I willed myself to forget and frequently I lost that war of the wills. Everyday, the anxiety point lead to 1 o’clock when the mailman came. I would listen for him, rush out to greet him, and the daily depression over his empty hands would hit hard. It was like a manic depressive cycle everyday.
His mother took a long time to respond. Contact was had in July. I think I gave in a wrote first around August. The pictures finailly came in late September? Trying to make myself remember that timline and expect the same maybe. A month?
What scares me..is that they will not react well to it, though I do not know how they can. I made it all about Max. All about what is good and right and fair for him. He said it was something that would appeal to them. Oh pray that I said the magic words to unlock their hearts and minds to me…for him. If they don’t..then it will be crushing for me. If they don’t, then it will be a huge betrayal..for them what I hoped to believe, what I need to believe, is that they are people who love my child beyond their own needs, that they can get over their own feelings..whatever they may be and do what it best for him.
I know he is well. I know he has what he needs IF he was just a typical child, but he is not..he is an adoptee. And I just don’t want them to be “typical adopters” with “typical entitlement issues”. My only real contact from them..the update..had signs that could point me in either direction. Some things were very kind, warm..but there were things that I choose not to find offensive or to look at as if they were putting me “in my place”, signs of insecurity, of fear. I don;t want to guess anymore. I don;t want to over anyalize. I just want to know, but I don’t either.
This is when I learn if I ‘choose” the right couple..did I make the right choice for my son…I didn’t look though any profiles..the agancy handed them to me and said….they are good ..we think you will like them..and I did what I was expected to do. I gave them my child.
And now I beg ( ok ..more like respctfully reqested with factual information and some emotional tugs) for them to share a little bit of him back because he wants it too. Because he has the right. Because they are suppose to do what is best for him. Because parents are suppose to put their child’s needs before their own.
Right now..I fear my own judgement of the situation. I just want it to be OK for him. For me. For them. For us all.
(((((HUGS))))
It’s so hard to wait and NOT worry.
You’ve done all you can to explain to them your feelings/desires. Hopefully, it won’t take them too long to process their thoughts and respond back to your letter.
I know what you are going through. I’m waiting for the agency to send me back ‘my adoption papers’, and the stuff I sent to her. I doubt they really will.. but I’m checking my mail every day.
Even still, I expect it is much harder, because of the content of your letter, and because you so want to establish good relations with his parents for Him.
It pisses me off, because this so clearly shows how we are doing all that we can, because of our unconditional love for our children, and when they are doofuses, it’s because / and shows / that their love is Conditional. Grrr.
I hope they respond quickly and well.
How immersed or educated are they in adoption issues? Has Max given you any indication? I know that sometimes I talk to members of the triad who are just like me and really find so much about adoption compelling- sometimes negatively and sometimes postiviely. They are the ones who are quick to jump on things-like contact.
There are others who adoption is merely the way they entered a family or they became a parent. It doesn’t seem to be an ongoing interest to them. I think they are slower to respond because they still have all the adoption mythology (both postive and negative) swirling around in their heads. Sometimes it’s the only way they educated themselves. So right now maybe you are challenging some of their assumptions and they need to figure it out. My guess is that they are far behind you in understanding adoption and all it’s issues. It doesn’t mean they will never get there. Maybe they just aren’t there yet.
Or they’re assholes. 😉
Lol…Lisa..I am still chuckling over the last line…yeah, that pretty much nails my greatset fear in one word.
My impression is that they are not up on it all. I tend to think that they adopted Max, adopted his brother..and went on their merry ways. Though the youngest daughter is IVF…so they switched from adoption to bio with assitance..what that means in the grand scheme of things???
At best I assume that their ‘education” stopped abut 14 years ago with the last adoption and it was probably happy happy as given to them by the agency…I keep looking for them on boards…hoping that they are talking to someone someplace…but nada
Look at it this way, you are doing Max’s brother’s first family a favor by blazing the trail. And you are smart enough and tough enough to handle the bumps and bring the parents along. Maybe the next first mom isn’t, so you really are doing her a favor.
Maybe #3 meant that they wanted a 3rd child and many agencies won’t place an infant as a 3rd child in a home. Or mom never got over wanting to experience pregnancy.
You have opened the door, my bet is that it will take them awhile to walk through it, but I bet they will. Maybe with Max shoving them a little from behind.
Oh Claud, I’m so sorry you’re having to experience these excruciating feelings of uncertainty as you wait. This is EXACTLY what I hope to avoid by keeping in touch with my son’s birth parents. I never want them to have to go through what you are now!
I hope you get a positive response from your letter soon.
I want them to respond and to be good people but I don’t want to have a false hope for you. The only thing to do is wait and see. You made a huge effort for Max and are to be commended for that.
Oh my dear I am sorry you have to go through this agony. But whatever their response, you have done the best thing. And Max knows you and loves you. I will pray . Look for good energy and hang on girl.
I’m listening to Bob Marley and he says:
This is my message to you
Don’t worry about a thing
Every little thing is gonna
be all right.
Put that on and dance a little.
I really hope they respond positively. I can’t imagine how they couldn’t/wouldn’t, but then I’m a little short on imagination sometimes when it comes to other people’s behaviour and motivations.
I’m sure the fact that you haven’t had a reply yet doesn’t mean much at all – though I can imagine how anxious you feel.They’re probably all knotted up and will need to unravel their feelings before replying.
Anyway, you did a Big Right Thing – for Max especially, and (I think) for everyone concerned. Keeping fingers crossed for you both that they do the Right Thing too.
If they don’t, Lisa.V’s right.
They’re assholes.
At least you’ll know, and can proceed accordingly.
“Because parents are suppose to put their child’s needs before their own.”
this is definitely how it’s supposed to work, but when people buy a child to fulfill their own needs then that child often grows up having to put their caregivers’ needs above their own. i hear it over and over again from adoptees — how they have to put off searching or end their reunions as the adopters feel threatened. so many adoptees only search once their adopters are dead. i see it all the time as a “search angel.” all that lifetime feeling obligated to be a good little adoptee.
it’s not a coincidence that the NCFA that lobbies to keep records closed is an alliance of adoption agencies and their customers (adopters!!!).
… without the bloodbond tying them together, there is uncertainly and insecurity. thus, they cling and threaten and control.
there is NO such thing as a triad. there are only those with power (brokers and customers) and those with no power at all (the disembabied mother and the abdopted person).
claud, i hope that they don’t act entitled, but remember the NCFA and it’s “positive adoption language” campaign saying that adoption only an event like birth that brings a child into a family, NOT an ongoing issue in a adoptees life. that you are past-history, only an incubator for them.
i’m sad to see that you refer to the female adopter as “his mother” rather than “his adoptive mother,” thus implying that you are NOT his mother also. this is what the industry’s “positive adoption language” teaches. are you really only an incubator in your own mind and heart as well? do you really feel that she is his mother, and thus his ONLY mother?
good luck and i hope that they don’t tell that Max “is a member of this family will not be shared in any way, shape or form.” because that was the response that i got when i wrote a similar warm and friendly and welcoming letter to my child’s adopters. got kicked in the face for it.
Anonymous, no doubt your your little lecture was well intentioned, but was it really necessary? Seems to me you are preaching to the choir.
From my observation, Claud (almost invariably) does refer to adopters as the “adoptive” parents, and I’m willing to put money on it that she simply slipped up when she refered to Max’s “female adopter” as his “mother”.
It’s an easy enough thing to do when one is posting in a hurry. I’ve got into all kinds of terminology muddles myself, and they weren’t Freudian slips either – just mistakes.
I mean, just how vigilant are the language police these days?
Hey Anonymous…….take a pill would ya’?
Claud, hang in there honey. You did an awesome thing reaching out to them and you did it for the RIGHT reasons, you did it for Max.
If they don’t have what it takes to respond it is truly their loss.
Hopefully Max will be able to put this all in perspective and realize what a jewel he has in YOU!!!
“tis Ok all…really. This is the “good” anon….lol. And I know what she means…and ususally I subscribe to such wording, BUT..this is my child. And part of what I do for him is to achknowedge that, in his reality, he has TWO mothers, that’s his truth..for him right now.
Plus..in the place that I am right now…if I can hope to be acknowledged as one of the moms in his life, then personally, I can only set an example and do the same. Will it do any good? Heck, I very well could get kicked in the face..I know…and that will be what it is when it happens.
But for me now, for this relationship with my child, for my child and his comfort…this is not where I am going to put the ideals first. It’s not that I beleive that MY situation is any different, and the same risks all apply, but this is not “fighting the good fight” to make points..this is my son. And while it does not change what I believe, it does change my priorities in useage. Conflict betwteen ideas and reality…not much. I am pretty comfortable with knowing that I am his mother..and I don’t need to scream only status…for anyone..not at his expense. And acknoweldging them for him…does not take away from me in my world. JMHO, just my humble life..
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See Claud, your brilliant brain and heart shine through even in things like the comments. How can they not accept this hand reaching out to them? If they don’t I stick by my first comment. 🙂
Oh big sigh* It is indeedie quite the ride, keep hanging on and breathe!~~~
We imagine so much it’s a wonder we sleep at all. I have a feeling they will ‘get it’ .. ‘get you’. Your deserve a reply soon, don’t worry.
I am lucky that my daughters aparents wanted her to meet me and attend her wedding. they fully support reunion. she decided no, she has a mother why would she search for me? her mom told me this. ok..her parents do get it but it doesn’t help my reunion w.her in alot ways…interstingly enuff.
biggie hugz for now~