Picture this…

It’s Friday afternoon and I get in my car ready for work. I have a new really cute denim jacket that I love, my hair is feeling alittle crazy, the sun is lamost shining, and I feel pretty good. So I go to make my 17 minute commute, and pop on Tom Petty’s Wildflowers..one of my favorite CDs and blast it.

Now I adore Tom. Saw him live a million years ago, and he is just an excellent showman. He makes my heart sing, he touches me. The song “Little Honeybee” makes tears come to my eyes with the line “And I have something to say”..I sing it loud and forceful. It makes me feel empowered. When I write the book, and when they make it into a movie ( work with my fantasty here kids) “honeybee” will be the music in the background of the “affair” montage. It’s a “dirty older man” song. I can see it. It is perfect.

But this is not about Honeybee and my visions of grandour.

The last song on the albumn is “Wake up Time”..and I have listened to it before with thoughts of adoption. Something in it fits, though previously it has envoked in me feeelings of sadness FOR Max…That I left him alone in the world..my poor boy. So setting again, happy me in car, driving down the road, blaring a song that I know might trigger a reaction.

It’s a lovely song. Big orchastrated music, strings, very moving, a ballad. In my head, though, this time, I sing the lyrics..and change the word Boy to Girl…wow.

You follow your feelings (Emotions of pregnancy)
You follow your dreams (for myself, my life)
You follow the leader (agency, society)
Into the trees (adoption)

And what’s in there waiting
Neither one of us knows (sure didn’t)
You’ve gotta keep one eye open
The further you go (just fitting…who was looking out for me?)

You never dreamed you’d go down on one knee but now (nope, it was gonna be great!
Who could’ve seen you’d be so hard to please somehow (not I)

You feel like a poor girl
A long way from home
You’re just a poor girl
A long way from home

And it’s wake up time
Time to open up your eyes
And rise
And shine

You spend your life dreaming ( wondering, waiting)
Running round in a trance ( denial, survivial)
You hang out forever
And still miss the dance ( still lost my son)

And if you get lucky
You might find someone
To help you get over
The pain that will come ( understatment)

Yeah

You were so cool back in high school ( yeah, so I thought)
What happened (adoption)
You were so sure not to have your
Spirits flatened ( cocky, wasn’t I?)

But you’re just a poor girl
Alone in this world
Youre just a poor girl
Alone in this world

And it’s wake up time
Time to open up your eyes
And rise
And shine

People think it’s lucky
A boy finds a girl
To help him to shoulder
the pain in this world

And if you follow your feelings
You follow your dreams
You might find the forest
There in the trees

Yeah you’ll be alright
It’s just gonna take time and now
Who could have seen
You’d be so hard to please somehow

You’re just a poor girl
A long way from home
You’re just a poor girl
A long way from home

And it’s wake up time
Time to open up your eyes
And rise
And shine

It’s wake up time ( the deep thawing)
Time to open up your eyes ( to what is really was and is)
And rise
And shine

I am singing, it’s loud, the way I like it so I actually can sound pretty good. The mental parallels really hit home. [notes in “(….)”]

When I get to the chorus..
“You’re just a poor girl
A long way from home
You’re just a poor girl
A long way from home”

I am gonna cry. I am crying for me, feeling for me…off alone, pregnant, having Max, scared. That girl that I was then…cool and tough on the outside, straight form High schhol, making this all happen…but broken inside where no one can see.

I try to hold it back..after all, I am going to work, I have mascara on. I get it together, lower the sound to pay my bridge toll, say Hi to the toll guy I see every day. And then, sick glutton that I am, I start it up all over again.

Tom tells me, speaks to me “Yeah you’ll be alright
It’s just gonna take time and now” And I know I am alright, but not now.
And just “wake up time”
I need to rise, and speak, and shine.
I don’t hold it back anymore. I give in and it burst forth. My face is contorted with sobs, tears run down my face, my nose runs. I am singing, crying, and saying out loud “Oh my God!” for the intensity that it HITS me, hard, like a truck full of just sadness is dumped on me.

I got to work a sniviling mess. Fixed my face and dried my eyes, went in smiled, and shined.
Made sure I got someone to cover for my shift on Tuesday. I’m going to Albany to Lobby again. I got something to say. I am gonna rise. I got my 2005 Writer’s Guide for publishing. Me now.

But for a little bit of time yesterday, TOm Petty brought me back..Driving down this beautiful tree lined road, sun shining..I am just that poor girl again, alone in this world. I am just that poor girl again, a long way form home.