The Ugly Mythology of Motherhood Today

A few weeks ago, we met up with some friends who have a lovely child who is just about two. The mom and I were talking about the inevitable “terrible twos” and her concerns that her daughter hits. I was in my soothing “older mom been there done that” role and was saying how all kids hit at age two. I do call it the age of hitting, but then this mom said something that has really stuck with me. She wasn’t concerned that her daughter was “normal” she said, “I am afraid of the other mothers”.

What This Mother Was Afraid of

It doesn’t seem logical, does it, that she would actually be afraid of other mothers, but she was. After all, one might think that other mothers would be the perfect group to actually understand her hitting child and the feelings one gets when their own children behave less than stellar. But she wasn’t thinking that the other mothers would be supportive. She wasn’t thinking about how they would be the right people to understand. She was thinking of their judgment She was afraid of the other moms looking down upon her because her child was hitting.. She was afraid that they would deem her a bad mother and she was right.

Mothers Do This to Each Other ALL the Time

We ALL do it. Think about. I’m guilty of this too. How many times have you been in the super market or at Target and heard the horrible whiney child in a row next to you be an absolute beast to his or her mother? How about when a child is screaming for a toy in public and the mom either gives in to placate the child or says something harshly to make the child stop? What do you think if the child gets a smack? And is there that point when you arch your eyebrows ever so slightly to your friend who is witnessing the kid’s outburst and in your mind you think, “Wow, you need some serious parenting classes.. I would never let my kids get away with THAT!” You know you have thought it.. I know I have!

I have also been the mother with the two seriously out of control toddlers. I have been the mother who can only look on and laugh while her daughter throws herself down on the floor in Target and screams bloody murder. I am sure more than one person thought that I had taken too many Zantacs that day as I watched her grinning. But they didn’t know that I was grinning and laughing because I knew how predictable this tantrum was. And I knew that by not giving in, that the tantrums would lose their power over me. I know what I choose to do worked on my kids, but those other people in line knew not of this. All they knew, all they judged, was that I was a terrible mother.

Being a Mother Equals Being Judged All the Time

Opening up ourselves for approval is a pretty intense thing. Most of us are vulnerable in relationships and fear rejection, being misunderstood and eventually, being left. We get nervous with things like public speaking and job interviews; situations where people can judge us and reject us. That’s human nature. Motherhood allows the fruits of our parenting choices to walk around representing all our hard work and good intentions. Usually these fruits also have a mind of their own and don’t follow all our bits of wisdom 100% and don’t always adequately represent us favorable like when they really need that nap!! All kids are like that, but we do like to forget it when they are not our own. Nope, then we just judge.

Why Judge Mothers So Harshly?

I think I learned the roots of judgment when I was back in high school and it’s all about self confidence and fear.
Growing up on Long Island clearly identified an acceptable status quo to follow. When I made the choice to not be “preppy” or go out for cheerleading ( ha!) or whatever the standard clichés were, I made myself very open to being attacked publically. And my friends and I were attacked. We had food thrown at us in the cafeteria. People would scream out their cars as they passed us by. People were mean jerks. And I couldn’t understand why.

I did realize that when people were mean to us, they expected us to react just as meanly with a big FU right back or to physically start fighting. I think they wanted us to react in a negative way so that they could just dismiss us as “crazy” or whatever, so, to thwart them anyway I could, I resolved to be as nice as pie and I was. So when some stuck up snob would ask me some stupid question about why I always wore black or how I made my hair stick up on end, I would openly answer with a huge smile on my face. Eventually, I came to realize that often people were nasty because they didn’t understand me. I didn’t fit into the neat little box that we were all prescribed to be in. I refused to follow the accepted “rules”. And in that, I rejected THIER rules. I rejected their choices and that made them question what they were doing. I cause them to think that maybe their way was not the only way and just undermined their foundation just a little. So they were scared on some level. It was that fear, not of me wearing black, but of their life not being the ONLY way, that made them attack. They attacked what they fear, they fear what was different, because different might not mean that they had it all together. I still had to pick string beans from my hair, but I didn’t hate them anymore; I felt bad for them.

I think the same principles applies to Motherhood.

We have this society pushing all these “rules” about motherhood on us! In some ways I wonder if feminism has really helped us because now we don’t just have the choice to “have it all” we have an obligation to DO it all and do it damn well!

In fact this has been in my craw for so long that I just dug up a post I had written on Adoption.com in December of 2004, 03:22 PM ( and because I am lazy and hate retyping stuff)

Mother Myths verses the Reality

“Personally, I feel that somehow the concept of motherhood has become so blown out and convoluted.

Specifically what is fed to us by general society and media vs. the reality of the situation; our own idealistic concepts vs. the day to say survival with children, the concept of super mom vs. human beings doing the best they can each day.

For example, the other day a client of mine was in the showroom with her lovely 11 month old daughter and a box of Donut holes. She said “before I had her, I use to think what kind of white trash gives their baby donuts?” as her daughter gleefully shoved a chocolate Munkin’ in her mouth so that we could get some work done.

The myths of perfect motherhood loom over us as an impossible holy grail, no wonder most freak out with doubts when finding out that it will happen in the near future. How can anyone be “ready” for: the sole responsibility of another human being, providing cute and comfy clothing, a safe car, stimulating and educational activities, healthy meals, fun filled vacations, holiday traditions, college funds, a perfect home with spotless floors and antibacterial cleaned counters and a fresh smelling allergen free clean laundry, a healthy relationship to emulate, perfect discipline, play groups, and a happy momma at all times willing to do it all with a smile.

(Add in balancing a career, family obligations, and try to have a social life!)

For me, the reality is that I often do NOT have the smile..and frequently I fail miserably on the laundry too.

Now I love my children, and I know that I am a good mother, but facts are facts and the truth of it is that I rejoice at the onset of bedtime. I buy healthy food and I love to cook, but sometimes the hot dogs and boxed neon orange macaroni and cheese makes them happier than veggie filled chicken burritos. And if I’m feeling lazy or tired, I sometimes don’t even care enough to feel guilty. Sometimes, my daughter dresses herself and she looks like an Appalachian wild woman. Sometimes, I cannot be bothered to fight with her to comb her hair. Sometimes, we wear PJs half the day. Sometimes, I don’t care that they dropped cheerios on the floor and think..well there is the snack for later..and I laugh when the 2 year old does indeed find them on the floor and have a quick munch. Sometimes, I want the incessantly blabbering 4 year old to just be quiet! And I wish the two year old was NOT attached at my hip and followed me about the house all day ..go upstairs to fold laundry “momma where are you?”..go downstairs to do dishes “momma where are you?” And how tired am I of hearing the 13 year old talk to nothing but skateboards and bass lines?

They are sweet, they are endearing, I love them and I would have it no other way, but I am human and sometimes there is only so much that I can take. Yeh Gods, I want to be alone and hear myself think for once. I want to go to the bathroom without an audience. fuck it, I want to flush the toilet myself instead of remembering who’s turn it is. ( we don’t take turns anymore, thankfully that’s been outgrown, but I still find “surprises” in the toilet.. it’s even worse!)

I am a mother because that is what I am. I have children, but I am still a person who has needs, wants and desires and I don’t always give that up to the creatures that live in my house. And that is OK. I refuse to carry mother guilt around all day because I cannot live up to the myths. I don’t want to try, we are doomed to fail.

I propose a thread where we can embrace the humanity and reality of motherhood. Admit our failings and share our defeats. Reclaim those few stolen selfish moments and give permission for our sisters to do the same. Let’s make motherhood a little bit less scary and a bit more doable for those about to embark upon the journey.

Let’s destroy the conceptual supermom and lay down the mantle of guilt.

I know you don’t smile while cleaning up puke and it’s not that cute when they draw on the walls for the 18 time. Now, admit it!!!”

Obviously, my own kids are older now, but I still maintain the sane principals of motherhood to keep my own sanity and I still rejoice at bedtime!

Unfortunately, I don’t see who that the load has been redirected, the mythology expunged or that the mantel of motherhood guilt has gotten any lighter. If anything, I see it as worse.

Motherhood isn’t Always All it’s Cracked up to Be

For instance, I have a friend who is a stay at home mother to her first child who is about 18 months. In her head, I believe, she really believes that she wants to be a stay at home full time mom and that SHOULD make her happy. For the outside perspective, I see her as pretty unhappy, but there is no amount of understanding. or support I can give her. When I confess how I hated staying home 24/7 and how really hard to was to be the everything to a small child and that a part time “omg get me out of the house and dealing with adults”, she looks at me horrified, and must again, repeat about how much she loves staying home with her baby.

I don’t know how to help her except to keep on confessing. I can’t force her to admit that it’s NOT as fulfilling as she thought it was and she won’t be judged as a bad mother for admit how much it sucks. I mean, even a “normal” complaint is followed up with a saying about how much she loves it. I want to scream.”No.. you DON”T and IT”S OK!” but I think she has trapped herself in a no win situation in her mind. Somewhere along the way, she decided that THIS is the ONLY way to be the mother she wants to be and to admit anything else would be defeat. So all I can do is worry about her and the toll that this charade will take upon her happiness.

And that’s NOT saying that ALL moms need to work to be happy, or all moms need to stay home to be happy or all moms need to anything to be good mothers. Different things will work for different moms and different kids and different families and that is OK! That’s what feminism and society SHOULD be helping us with, not making more carefully constructed boxes and insane impossible rules and stereotypes to live up to.

And of course, this affects not only mothers, but adoption too.

Who’s Ready for This Judgment

How many times must a young pregnant mother feel that she must relinquish her child because “she is not ready to be a parent”? Who is ever ready, really, to become a parent? Easy answer: NO ONE! Oh, we can be as prepared as we might be, as prepared as society deems us to be, but really? The best made plans of mice and men all go to hell when you are up 6 hours straight with a colicky child who won’t stop crying. Nothing can prepare you for how you are going to handle THAT!

I am so sick of hearing “not ready to be a parent” on adoption agency websites and in stupid “Birthmother Testimonials” Newsflash: somehow you manage to get ready. Somehow you can find ways to make it work. No, maybe you won’t have the perfect pale green nursery with hand painted lambs frolicking through a field on the walls, but you can put that mythical nursery of your child away with your mythical pretend husband who you are never going to marry. Seriously, learn to adapt! Life has no obligation to unfold the way we image it would be. ( if it did I would have won lotto years ago!) Get over your fantasy and deal with reality: your pregnant, you’re going to have a baby,. you are going to be a mother, now get as much as possible together and then run with the rest. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out and if your don’t your kids will let you know where you are lacking as soon as they can talk. Seriously, none of us are perfect and we all mess up!

And that’s what I told another fried the other day as we discussed whether she was “ready” to have a baby. Her practically husband is wanting a child real bad, her mother would be thrilled, all us friends would be supportive, but she worries that she can’t handle it. She worries that she is “not ready”.. maybe in a year? When the house is “done”

“Oh, Mxxxx,” I say, ” The house will never BE done! And you will never be “ready!” there is no ready! Just take this goodness now and go for it. You will be ready when the universe throws life in your way because that’s who you are and that’s what you do. You have a lovely home, a lovely man, your own business, and no, nothing will ever be perfect, but trust life. Trust life and throw away the birth control pills and just go for living…no more planning, live now”

I want to say that to all the women nearing 30 who are beginning to wonder about the “ticking biological clock”. I want to say this to everyone considering relinquishment or thinking “oh if I wait too long then I can just adopt” I want to say this to all the people with arched eyebrows who look down their noses at a young mother with screaming children in target or pushing a bay carriage down the street when it looks like she should be in high school still.

There is no ready! Leave us alone and let us enjoy what life gives us! Let us rejoice in the reality of our motherhood. Lets up admit the ups and downs and BE human! There is NO ready, no one is ready and we are all just doing the best we can!

But no one has given me a talk show yet, so I will just say it to you and ask.. help me on this one. Catch yourself when you judge another mother and stop! Smile instead and spare a kind understanding word. You could be her adult interaction of the day and a lifeline to her sanity.