In retrospect, as a mother of loss, the list of things I knew is vastly overshadowed by the things I did not know.

I Knew I Loved my Baby

I knew at the time of the onset of my pregnancy, that I was in love with this tiny baby inside me. I was happy at the news of becoming pregnant. A bit shocked of course, but I was elated with my precious child’s existence. Being so young myself, I admit, I romanticize about our future. I KNEW that I loved my child. Throughout the majority of my pregnancy there were no doubts that she was MY child and we would always be together. I loved her so. I think this was the only thing I KNEW.

However, towards the end of the pregnancy reality set in. I didn’t have a supportive family willing to help in any way. I didn’t know that they could so easily turn their back on their would be first grandchild. I didn’t know that they would not love my child as I did.  I soon realized that we didn’t matter to them. My precious baby was wanted, but my motherhood was not.

I Contacted an Adoption Agency for Help

Contacting the agency was done in desperation. With no support from my family, emotionally or otherwise, the agency was called to find help and to ask questions. I did not go with the intent to relinquish, but to seek help. I was so very desperate. There is no possible way to put into words that soul breaking desperation. I was very young, naïve, sheltered, and scared out of my mind. Granted, it was a Christian agency, I initially felt comfortable talking with them, and I trusted them. Everyone knows that Christians are good people and they would never cause any harm. I didn’t know. I didn’t understand that the agency’s job was to separate me from my child for their customer. I walked right into the lion’s den. I didn’t realize that they couldn’t care less about my child or me. It’s taken me a long time to uncover the lies I was told by the agency and discover the information that was purposely withheld from me, including my legal rights. I didn’t know there was such evil in the world. They manipulated and lied to get my baby.

I will never forget the last time I saw my precious baby. She was so beautiful and perfect! I wish I had the pictures from that day to give her. Her precious face is etched in my memory forever. That final moment was the most devastating of my life. Two agency workers pried her from my arms and put her into a car. As I sobbed blood curdling no’s, I collapsed on the sidewalk as they drove away. They left me there on the sidewalk unable to stand. They got what they wanted. Soul rape.

To My Beautiful Adult Daughter

I have always loved you from the very beginning. I trusted people that I should not have. I didn’t know is not an excuse, but maybe, a part of an explanation. I will gladly share with you, if you ever desire to know your entire story. I will always be here.

The truths have been hard to face. There were so many lies, including that adoption would have no effect on you. I trusted the professionals and I believed them. I have endured this trauma for many, many years graciously as I truly believed that you were safe and free. Upon learning of adoption issues for adoptees, it completely devastated me. This was by far the hardest truth for me to accept. I have no complaints about what I’ve endured; I would gladly take it on if it meant you were safe.  They said you would not be affected by the adoption. I believed them. I didn’t know.

My parents failed you, my church failed you, our society failed you, the doctor failed you, the agency failed you, your father failed you, & I failed you. I believed the lies and this was my error. When your back is against the wall with no options, there is no choice.

I must note that I have a great respect for your parents and your life with your family. It was the agency that took advantage. I would never interfere with your relationship with them and I am happy that you have them. I am and always will be here.

“Coercion of any kind negates choice, informed or otherwise.”

I also didn’t know that adoption would affect so much of my life and it will continue until the day I die. It is truly never ending. I didn’t know adoption would have such an effect on my parenting and that it would affect my children that followed. I didn’t know it would affect so many of my life’s decisions and events. If the ‘professionals’ were upfront about adoption trauma, they would lose business, if not be out of business. Who would choose to traumatize themselves, or especially, their child?

The secrets and lies in adoption shatter families and they cause so much pain. As Claudia’s infamous shirt says, “No one would choose an eternity of this.” It is a hell that no one should have to endure.

If you are or know anyone that is pregnant and alone, please seek counseling/advice from an independent source. Find someone that will not gain by swaying your path. Find someone that doesn’t want your baby. It is not an adoption agency’s job to help the mother. They will do whatever they need to do to get her baby. They will lie, manipulate, coerce, and threaten. Vulnerable pregnant girls need to be protected from these vultures. Don’t be fooled by their non-profit, Christian declarations. Non-profit does not mean that they do not profit and Christian does not mean that they are ethical. They are a very lucrative business. They will do what they have to so that they can obtain a newborn. Separating mothers and their infants is their business. That is their only goal.

I’ve learned to be gentle with my younger self. I really didn’t stand a chance up against that agency. They are very good at their business. They know exactly what to say and withhold. I was a prime, easy target for them and they did not hold back. They pounced and turned the knife to the very end.

Now I Know My Adoption Experience was Typical

My experience with my agency was not an exception, it was not unique to other’s stories, it was actually rather typical. Until the money is taken out of adoption, these horrid practices that go on every single day in this country will continue and they will get away with shattering lives.

Bottom line, the future pregnant girls need to know the truths and be protected. We, as a society, should protect the most vulnerable, not exploit them.  I share my experience in the hopes that it may prevent someone else from being manipulated and coerced into living their life as a mother/father of loss and their child needlessly losing their mother & father. Trauma should be prevented, not induced. I pray that one day, adoption will be about finding homes for children that need them instead of finding babies for people that want them, the way it was originally intended!