Helpful Hints Based on My Personal Observations

First, let me preface this with a big fat disclaimer:

I do understand that everyone has a right to tell their story and a right to use their own voice. That is something that I strongly encourage all the time. I understand that all people have their own ways and I offer the following  as constructive criticism for everyone and anyone to use as they see fit. Please know it is not meant at all as discouragement or as a way that might be seen as” not good enough” or “keep your mouth shut”, etc. I would rather see many people try and not be perfect, than only have a handful of folks about to speak out.  However, there is a big difference between tell one’s personal story in any way they see fit verses representing a community wide cause and contributing to that cause in a way that is not just helpful, but beneficial.

Talking About Adoptee Rights To Legislators Part V

This  is given as a “some things to keep in mind” to IMPROVE upon the process for us all in AdoptionLand:

1) Don’t rely on false timetables and overscheduled; Yes, this one is for me. It would have been better if I had rescheduled the party for the next day so I could have stayed to testify in person. I hate that they called my name after I left the building and I was not there. Makes us look flighty. Dislike. A lot. I’m sorry. I really am.

2) Dress the part. Look, if one is testifying and speaking to legislators, then look the part. The opposition is lawyers in their fancy suites and will already have strong “credibility” on their side. Jeans are great if you are demonstrating. Behind the computer, I am in leggings and slippers. If I was just observing, then I might have been more comfortable and just done slacks and a sweater, but when representing, even if just representing YOUR view, do for the gusto. I wore my black business suit, a silk shirt and heels that kill my bunion. My hair was in a bun. I wore my nice coat, no leather, no kick ass cowboy boots.  Two nice “activist” buttons.  Not one sign of the Crack Whore Birth Mother t-shirt! My cute purse with skulls on it stayed home and I broke out the faux alligator briefcase. And if you don’t have something appropriate to wear in the “color” of the day, either go shopping or  ditch the color, not the suit. Like if I was “supposed ” to have worn yellow, then I would not have because I own nothing in yellow. If I had no red silk shirt, then I would NOT have worn the lovely red dress that I own because that’s for weddings, NOT legislative hearings.

3) Follow the rules: If they give you FIVE minutes to speak then use FIVE minutes./.. maybe 6. Not 15, not 20, not 25. I wrote my testimony out. I read through it slowly.. the way I would have like to have read it…and timed it. It was 7 1/2 minutes; so I edited a bit out.  Not because what I took out was less important, but because they asked for 5 minutes and I wanted to comply. Because I was NOT the only one who wished to have a turn. Because I knew that OTHER people also deserved to be heard. Because it’s not just MY show. And yes, if others had not spoken for 20 minutes  BEFORE the legislators asked questions then I WOULD HAVE HAD A TURN.
FIVE Pages of type written notes  is NOT five minute!! Yeah, I am a bit annoyed about this.

4) Don’t be a reiterator! Yes, it is good to have the same message said by more than one person, but saying the same thing over and over again yourself in different ways is really not helpful. Just Stop. If someone before you said it clearly, then you can just agree with them.. you don’t have to say it again. For instance, I knew that Elizabeth Samuels would be speaking before me about the legal surrender  documents; so it would have been silly for me to speak on it. I referred to it in agreement, but then went onto a different point. It also helps to keep the timing thing down ..see number 3!

5) Please DO NOT READ YOUR TESTIMONY! Yes, we all had to have written testimony and yes we all usually need notes and want to have nice words, but the deadpan reading is.. well.. it’s just bad. I practiced my testimony ahead of time. I had enough memorized that I could look up from my paper and make eye contact with the legislators. I knew the words I wanted to emphasis, the tone I would use.  We don’t all have to be excellent public speakers, but look guys, sometimes we have to self-actualize and if you really do suck at public speaking then this might not be the right venue to practice on. Now if you have a perfect quote, then my all means, read that, but word for word mumbles and stumbling just brings back painful memories of English class and also does not translate well to video or audio. You want to make a point not leave people wondering “what the hell is she talking about?” or even worse “Is it over?”

6) Check the anger: Is this a hard one? Yes. Is passion ok? Sure. Passion, some anger, some feeling is needed to avoid #5 ( Mumbling over the written word while staring at the paper), but an overwhelming ANGRY at the WHOLE WORLD? It just makes you seem kind of scary. And I’m not saying that we shouldn’t BE angry.. we should! Or that we can’t feel anything.. we must!  Or that there are not times where the anger is appropriate .. it is! As I already wrote, Adam Pertman being almost sputtering in anger at the judges BS was GREAT! But  it was directed.. not just overall generalized ANGER at a hearing that is televised. It . IS . Just. Not. The .Time. Keep the passion, check the anger.

7) Please, can we try to curb the personal stories? This is a touchy one, but let’s look at the big picture here. The Fight for Adoptee Rights is about CIVIL and HUMAN rights first and foremost. The opposition wants to make it all about reunion, but it is NOT. We do not demand that adoptees are restored access to their OBC because they want to find mommy, we demand it because adoptees deserve to be treated the same as non adopted. What an adopted person then DOES with their OBC is their choice.. so reunion is secondary.

When we tell long stories about insane searches  & happy reunions, then we feed into the mythology that the opposition wants. The issue then becomes one adoptees feelings pitted against the suppose ONE birthmother who doesn’t want the reunion.  Then they put both parties on the same level and it becomes “pass a bill so some people can feel happy.” That’s NOT why legislation gets passed.. that’s why Adoptee Bills get compromised and we get stupid CPF amendments.

KEEP IT ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS.. or at least RETURN to that! Yes, mention how you are affected, but it’s NOT your story only.. I did it in three lines:

I am birthmother. I was 19 when I relinquished my son to a closed adoption in 1987. I found him in 2004 thanks to Google. I contacted him directly on MySpace back in 2005 before social media had a name and met him in 2007. We are all very happy with our reunion.

I only used this to show that 1) I am not asking for privacy and 2) I used social media way back which supported the social media facts I was sharing. In fact I ONLY brought up my past work experience to further cement that have a professional understanding in how social media sharing works, otherwise, where I use to work is stupid and useless.

Bring your personal story back to the larger picture. Yes, if there is a medical issue that could have been averted by having this CIVIL RIGHTS BILL passed, then refer to it, but keep it simple. If you searched for 30 years and it was a horrible understanding, yes, bring that up, but refer back to the big picture: you should not have to be treated like that because the non adopted are not.

Three pages of one person’s personal,  search horror story read verbatim in a dead pan voice is not helpful. They will not pass a bill for you. Yes, there needs to be some emotional components. Yes, touching IS good, tears can be motivating, but tell it .. bullet notes and bring it back to the point… how YOUR personal story is like many others and how if the restores the CIVIL RIGHTS  of Adoptees then no one would have to suffer like you did.

8) Find your angle to contribute: This kind of takes all of the above into the picture. ADD to the conversation with new information that supports our cause and gives added reasoning to support the bill.

Like I have no dog in the fight for NYS adoption legislation. Yes, I am a New Yorker, but my son’s OBC is locked up in Massachusetts, not New York. Plus, it’s not about a reunion since I found him almost 10 years ago.( God,  that feels great to say!!)   What I had to offer in testimony was also MY expertise in the realm of social media that directly counterbalanced what I knew the opposition points on were “poor birthmother privacy“. If I just had my story of my grief? No, I would not speak. If I just had to say “No I don’t want privacy” then I am just one person…does it add weight, yes, but only one drop in the pond.  I had facts and figures and something for them to think about when they learn the possible arguments about the stupid confidentiality concerns and I also knew that no one else was going to hit this point.

Plenty of More States to Go for Adoptee Rights

So please.. let’s  keep on getting better at this.  Short sweet factual based bullet points that add to the discussion and support the adoptee rights legislation.

• Talking About Adoptee Rights To Legislators or Anyone Else Part 1
• Talking About Adoptee Rights To Legislators or Anyone Else Part 2
• Talking About Adoptee Rights To Legislators or Anyone Else Part 3
• Talking About Adoptee Rights To Legislators or Anyone Else Part 4
• What NOT to do When Talking about Adoptee Rights or How We Get Better Part V