We have GOT to STOP Pushing Mis-Truths as Facts

This article, When Birth Moms Get The Blues,  was pointed out to me in my twitter feed this AM.  Adoptive father, Frank Ligtvoet, is great at finding interesting adoption related stuff online and I always love when he shares stuff, though frequently, like this AM, what he shares makes me upset.  As I tweeted back to Frank, “I want to punch something.”

I would have preferred to comment on the actual article, but Adoptive Families doesn’t allow that, so I shall  instead discuss the fallacies of this article here.

Birthmothers are Surprised by Their Feelings of Love for Their Child

So the article itself does start out with a very true fact:

“Even birth mothers who feel certain about their adoption plans are sometimes surprised by the intensity — and complexity — of their feelings after their baby is born. They may feel a surge of connection to him, as well as pride, sadness, and grief. “

Yes, birth does alter the emotional connection to a child. Before birth, the baby is really still an ideal, an unknown, and even a “problem” needing to dealt with.  It is the act of giving birth that makes a woman into a mother and the baby, before just a kicking bump of heartburn inducing difficulties, into a real live person.  It is the natural chemical and biological bonding process, that the legal adoption cannot and does not alter, that causes  that connection to the child to intensify. After all, that is how human beings, as a species, have continued. We are bound to protect and adore our helpless young.

Unless you have had a child previously, the pure intensity of the feelings of love for one’s own baby isn’t something that can be adequately  described within the confines of language. And even if one is “certain” of relinquishment mentally, again, the natural process will occur and override the logic, which can also be surprising.

Of course, I do strongly believe that most adoption agencies do not prepare mothers at all for this reality unless to counterbalance the instinctual need to parent by making sure a mother has enough adoption propaganda in her head already to override her emotions and push on with the adoption plan.  I know for a fact that agency social workers have said;”Yes, what you are feeling  is natural and just hormones. Has anything  else changed? Remember why you made an adoption plan to begin with” or other forms of birthmother gaslighting.

“Moving On”  is a Cruel Lie

Ok, so first sentence is OK, second sentence is fine, let’s move on to the sub header here that makes me want to scream:

“Learning to Move On”

For the 15th thousandth millionth time.. birthmothers do NOT move on. We do not forget, we do not get over it we do not find peace.  There really never comes a time where  even a real NEED to relinquish a child becomes 100% a good thing. Adoption  ALWAYS  begins with a tragedy.   Please, lets’ not confusing continuing to live and breathe with “moving on.”  Learning to LIVE without my child is realistic. “Moving on” leads one to believe that we somehow get over the loss of our child.

Ignoring the seconded paragraph as it is whatever. I don’t speak for adoptive parents feelings because I am not one.

The Pain of Adoption is NOT the Labor of Giving Birth

“Birth parent grief is a common occurrence — birth mothers especially need to grieve the loss of their baby. Adoptive parents who experienced the grief of infertility may use that experience to empathize with their baby’s birth mother. One mother told her child’s birth mother at the delivery, “I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I wish I could go through labor for you.”

I’m sorry, the quote is just lame. It is not the pain of labor that is the problem. Mothers manage labor. We have been doing it literally forever. That is, again, natural.  All mothers “get over” labor pains and DO move on. If we did not then  human beings would have become extinct a long time ago!

The grief and pain comes from the relinquishment . Unless  a mother is really completely dissociated form her pregnancy  or has lost the ability of attachment herself through her own trauma and issues, that grief is inescapable.

An  adoptive parent thinking that the pain is labor alone is sort of alarming. To me that says that either that comment is completely taken out of context and, the author, should see that it does not live well on it’s own, but sound shallow. The more alarming aspect is that this  adoptive parents has not be properly educated by the adoption professionals they work with.

Post Relinquishment Numbness, Denial and KoolAid

“Shortly after the birth, a birth parent may go through a period of numbness before the intensity of grief kicks in. At some point — often when a baby is between six months and two years old — she may withdraw from the adoptive parents because of her grief, or because she is not sure whether she is still welcome.”

Ok, so yes; there is often a period of numbness post birth, though sometimes not. Sometimes it takes days and sometimes it take a lifetime.   I was listening to an interview the other day with birthmother, Janice Collins, who is researching the grief reaction, and she also did speak of the numbness. I think we call that the “kool aid” years here or the more gentle “adoption fog” stage.  Janice likewise stated that there is a difference between the thought process of a younger, newer birthmother verses an older mom who has been processing what relinquishment means in her life for a longer time. Janice speaks of seeing a shift around year 8 to 10, where birthmothers get more contemplative which resonates very much with the 10 to 12 year time frame that I have also spoken about.  And then I think for all, once we really are able to examine and process the feelings, then the real work of the grieving begins.

I personally would have liked to see a bit more understanding in the WHYS a birthmother might pull away from an open adoption.  The fact is that most adoption agencies present “open adoptions’ in a way that makes them seem as a tool to mitigate the grief; but the very extreme and continuous  grief reaction does not  support that  version.  So while there are birthmothers who do close an open adoption, I have also heard of too many adoptive parents closing on their side because they believe the mother is grieving “too long” or “too much” and think that less contact will make her “move on”.

Keeping Promises will Not Mitigate the Birthmother’s Pain, but at Least Don’t Add to it.

And truthfully, it is articles JUST LIKE THIS ONE that give adoptive parents the idea that a birthmother is able to “get over it” and therefore see the grief as something “bad” and needing to be avoided! It is this kind of article, coming from an adoption professional who actually educates and counsels other pre adoptive parents that  gives them a later excuse to vilify and fear the normal grief response.

“While your focus will, understandably, be on the baby, it’s important to send your child’s birth mother a “thinking of you” note, baby pictures, or a report of the baby’s milestones during this time. This can help her feel cared about and can reassure her that the baby is doing well. Many birth parents say that such gestures helped them through the grieving process. As one birth mother says, “I feel so good when I see what a beautiful life I gave him.”

Dare I say that it is important to follow through on the contact agreement you made and the promises to send pictures and updates.  Isn’t that just being compassionate and honorable? Granted, I do personally see that the reassurances are often used by the birthmother’s  themselves to rationalize the placement, but really at that point, it’s not like they have another choice anyway.  They have no rights and I wouldn’t say that a mom should not have any brief points of joy in her fight for survival. Of course, she adores any update of her child. Again, that’s a natural reaction.

No Two Year Acceptable Windows for Pain

It’s this last part that just makes me really want to scream:

“Following a period of emotional chaos and grief, most birth mothers reach a level of acceptance in their lives. As your child’s birth mother becomes more at peace with her decision, she may gain renewed energy for her current life, and more clarity about her role as a birth parent and her relationship to you.

During the first two years, birth mothers appreciate your letters, pictures, and visits. While each contact may reawaken some of her feelings of loss, most birth mothers report that these contacts help them to move on from the sadness and be more productive in their lives.”

What? NO

Just NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!

It also incites the same reaction otters.  I literally had a chucke when I read  Carlynne’s post “Speaking for Us Again” on One Option Means No Choice> Why Am I so not surprrised to see her reactions are almost exactly the same as mine?

“Reach a level of acceptance? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. How does she know what most mothers do? Mothers don’t reach acceptance, they learn to hide the grief, they learn to hold in the tears and let them go when no one is watching, they learn to function so they can go to work everyday. “

“Level of acceptance”: We only accept that we cannot change it. We accept the constant companion of grief in our  life’s. We learn how to live with a giant missing hole in our soul and our hearts permanently broken.  Let’s not confuse the two- acceptance is not healing as true healing  for a birthmother is not possible.

“At peace with her decision” Again, these are more words that I see often on adoption agency websites.  Words that tell women considering adoption that they can heal? That is will be ok.  I am more than 27 years in and  the closest I have gotten to acceptance is to  know absolute permanency of this  birthmother condition and to stop being surprised  when my wounds start bleeding again.

Can we please NOT confuse the simple fact that the birthmother has managed to keep on breathing every day rather than giving in to the deepest vortex of pain. Yes, we do manage to keep living. Usually. Sadly, some do not.  Yes, we go on. We get new jobs, we get degrees, We might even marry and have other children. We get used to living without our babies. The pain, indeed, becomes a constant companion.  We do often become productive members of society, but  we have not move on from the sadness.

Ignoring the Real Research of Birthmother Grief

And what does upset me the most is not that this fluffy piece was written at all. Lord knows there are tons of crappy  bits of misinformation about Birthmothers out there.  It is upsetting that Adoptive Families actually published this crappy fluff piece, though they have been known to be disappointing with truthful adoption discussions. But that the author of this article Joni S. Mantell, is the Director of the Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center with much higher level education herself and then she goes and counsels adoptive parents and even birthmothers !!

So what I read is a educated therapist adoption professional who SHOULD have access to all the known research of birthmother grief and is seemingly choosing to ignore it instead repeating the propaganda laden ideals of how we WANT adoption to be.
The studies clearly state that our grief intensifies over time.  There is no peace. A birthmother’s grief is  continuous, disenfranchised  and complicated. An “article” like this only serves to lead both adoptive parents and any birthmothers up to fail.  This supposed two year window sets a stage where people are going to expect that grief will lessen after two years  which is a direct contradiction of the research. Now granted there is limited research on birthmother grief, but that gives even more reasoning to expect that Ms. Mantell should be familiar with  the facts she speaks of:

• ” sense of loss had intensified over the period since surrender” (Winkler R. &., 1984)
• Birthparents face additional complication of ‘disenfranchised grief.’ That is, their losses are generally not afforded mourning or grieving rituals. (Doka, 2002)
• Between 53% and 58%  of birthmother respondents stated the surrender of their babies was the most stressful thing they had ever experienced in their lives. (Winkler R. &., 1984)
• Half stated that the trauma has affected their physical health and many experience symptoms of PTSD. (Wells, 1993)
• In birth mothers from the Baby Scoop Era and transitional years, studies have shown that 57% say they have anger. (Crowell, 2007) Depression, long linked at anger turned inward, is repeatedly shown to be a constant in the life of a birth mother post relinquishment.
• One study found 51% of birth mothers reported experiencing severe depression since the relinquishment, with 97% reporting some degree of depression and 63% have had thoughts about killing themselves. (Kelly, 1999)

The Danger of Adoption “Articles” Like This One

And the scary part is the pure numbers of other adoptive parents and potential mothers that are either counseled directly or who will read this “article” and think it all true.  So we shall see adoptive parents, now fully in control of all promised visitation, believing that the birthmother of their child is overreacting or  reacting badly when she does not “settle down” after two years.  Instead of normalizing her ongoing grief, articles like this gives them reasons to question and doubt the mother of their child and perhaps close the adoption. And for the mother herself,  is likewise to find her reaction abhorrent and will think she is failing when she finds her pain intensifying. This article is bound to make a mother considering adoption think that rafter two years she will be recovered, rather than permanently altered, and could very well help convince her that adoption is a viable option for her life.

Yet, out of all the mothers I have spoken to over the last 14 years, all the emails I have received, all the comments made here.. this is what reality feels like “when birthmothers get the blues”

I’m just completely alarmed and disgusted to find professionals failing to do their due diligence when they speak about adoption.  There is a great potential harm in this false information.

I did email the author of this article asking about the complete disregard of the known research, but have not received a response prior to this post being published. I shall update if changes occur.