An Anonymous Guest Post to an Anonymous Family Member
This is a guest post letter written by a birthmother I know. It is something that should be said to relative of her child, but like many of us, she cannot say it. It’s a feeling, that I would think, many other moms can relate to. And the question so many of us face, how do we continue to deal with relationships when the people we counted on, the people we needed and deserved to be there for us, failed at the worst possible time. We take the bullet. We face the ultimate loss of our children. And then, they want to reap rewards?
To Whom it may concern,
You gave me an ultimatum when I was pregnant… that if I chose to keep my child you wouldn’t have anything to do with me. And now you want a relationship with my son.
A child that you wanted me to eliminate as a fetus, now you want a relationship with my son.
A child that you wanted me to abandon as a newborn infant, now you want a relationship with my son.
As my heart ached, my emotions smashed, my self-confidence hindered, my life experiences forever altered because I was given an ultimatum (no partner, no family, no love, no respect, no support), now you want a relationship with my son.
An open adoption relationship that I chose along with the adoptive family…that we have cultivated with respect and love for each other without your interference, now you want a relationship with my son.
Your strong-arming and personal desires created a statistic out of us, a punch line, a stereotype and titles that we will forever be known as….a birth mom…a birth child, now YOU want a relationship with MY son.
So tell me, what is different now?
No, I would say you forfeited your right a long time ago to have a relationship with this child that you did not want to be a part of YOUR family.
This is my interpretation…
Sorry, but he is not YOUR son. He is the son of the two of you. And if you disregard the father you disregard half of your son. Your son needs his father just like he needs you. People mature. People move out of denial. People are sometimes jerks and at the same time are fathers. Children need their fathers, too, even if they are jerks to the mothers.
I’m fairly certain this is not directed at the father of origin, but instead at the other family members that purposely turned their back or shunned her for being pregnant.
I agree with Laurel, I don’t think this is letter is to the father.
sorry but if the father wanted a child and mistreated the mother (ie stuck his penis in her and then left) the woman doesn’t owe him a child. and i agree this is written to the woman’s family that backed her into a corner and ruined her life.
Introducing the father at this stage (if it is the father) would have to be managed very carefully, so as not to disturb the relationships the child already has and counts on. A child’s relationship with a person who rejected him repeatedly is not going to blossom just because they’re related. There’s a lot more here to negotiate and a lot more at stake than who belongs to whom.
I agree with BeeHive!
It doesn’t matter that the both parents have equal rights on child, what matter is who care and love more to the child.
On my trips to see my Son (semi-open adoption), my mother would ask me if she could join me. For the last 8 years I had such a hard time pin-pointing why my immediate primal reaction to her request, in my head, was “HELL NO. YOU GET NO PART OF THIS.” After reading this letter, I have my answer. I gained my voice in choosing life for my son, but lost it when I let my mother talk me into relinquishing my rights.
-Forever Changed