4-4-2016: I just recently re-designed and organized my website and one of the new tools was pulling “most popular” posts and highlighting them. I had forgotten what this post was about. I had forgotten that I had written about this unplanned pregnancy and the day it happened! I had forgotten the dates, the time frame, even the year.
Once I reread it, and read all the comments, I will confess my initial desire was to remove it from the “most popular” front page line up. I don’t want to talk about this really. I don’t want to have to open myself up to be judged and have nasty comments said again, but then, I realized that my desire was out of shame and fear. Mostly shame; not shame that I had this abortion, but that the possible reactions I feared triggered possible shame.
I know that this is one of the reasons we have so many issues, legislative restrictions and lack of viable options when it comes to safe and legal abortion services in this country is because of that shame. Having an abortion is something we still speak of in hushed tones. Oh, granted, no one should be out celebrating and for the most part it is a private matter, so what other folks think about it shouldn’t matter, but even among friends, we whisper. So while, my gut says take this post down, I know I cannot. I owe it to the women who have gone before me who have died in back alleys and fought for our rights to have legal safe abortions and I owe it to the women who will come after me who will still need to have the right to have legal safe abortions if they so need to. I owe it to my daughter to know that we have to stand up and not be afraid to be counted even if others might be mean to us.
So, I am making myself keep this post up. As it is nine years after the fact, I am adding some commentary as I see fit since I tended to blog a bit differently back then. For instance, I don’t think I would have shared this at all now, but back then the blogosphere was much smaller and no one I knew in real life read my stuff. There was a more confessional anonymous freedom then, so again, I will admit to having that shame/fear that people I know will see this and judge. I got to say screw that. Plus I think hindsight is useful in some situations; in this case it can offer insight into how this decision affected my family’s life.
Please do note: if you read through the comments, they are bound to make you angry. It doesn’t matter of you are Pro-Life and think I am a horrible human being or Pro-Choice and defending me; the comments are from both sides so therefore, everyone will be annoyed on some level. Just do notice the dates. I have no issue with debates with someone on a 9 year old comment, but chances are, it’s one sided and they will not come back now to answer you.
“One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small”
I went for the one that keeps me smaller.
After many, many huge emotional quandaries, and frequent fits of crying, hysterics and despair, I was still left in a state of no decision.
I have to say that my local Planned Parenthood was fantastic. Though they offered assistance if I wasn’t sure, my feelings was if I was here, I am sure enough. They took “eh, I’m OK” as an answer. Really, there are times when you are trusted to make up your own mind and that is good not to have to justify it. No one mentioned the adoption option once, nor could I see anything that seemed to support them even pushing it.
When I first went in and had the initial sonogram, they couldn’t find the pregnancy and had to rule out an ectopic. Then I had to come back.
I waited that extra week..coz, well I am lame..and had an appointment for Friday morning. But then they rescheduled it for today, Monday. Of course, now it was the very latest time frame. Shit or get off the pot for real.
And I knew that I probably really wasn’t going to know until THAT minute. I accepted that. I was going take it as it comes.
I did accept certain things though.
I do know that IF we did go though with the pregnancy then it would have been OK. It would have been very hard, but we would have manged and it would have been good. Hard, though. Defiantly hard. But I didn’t doubt our ability to love another child, adore the being of that child, or being thankful of that decision.
And that is what kept getting to me; that I couldn’t use the excused that “we can’t” I knew we could emotionally and as a family, so it came down to just the simple real stuff.
I saw a baby in my head, a cute baby and I wanted it. I wanted to see this other sibling of my children, one more, the very last, heck, I really DO love babies.
But really.
I don’t want to get up at night anymore. I hate strollers. I don’t want to buy diapers and car seats again. I don’t want to have children for 20 years of my life. I don’t want to get fat, be nauseous anymore, feel so tired, have heartburn, buy maternity clothes, get the brown line on my tummy, stretch out my tattoos,have to stay home for five fucking more years when they are ALL going to be in school in 7 months and I can STOP WAITING TABLES. I don’t want to have to worry about the dog and an infant, or the cats, or SIDS, or really..stop smoking right this second ( though I know I should), nor really…anything ELSE besides get to see and hold a baby.
2016 additions: Looking back now, the reasons weren’t actually as shallow as I stated. Really, we just could not afford another child. No way, no how. Our house isn’t big enough. It would have meant moving the teenager to the basement, and that room wasn’t fished yet! We only got to do that 3 years ago and it’s still rough. It would have been like banishing the kid to a dungeon and quite unfair. We didn’t have a car big enough to fit an infant car seat, two boosters, a teen and two adults. ANd really, we dd not have the means to upgrade at all. We don;t have tons of money and we don;t even come form family that is in the position to help either.. so it would have been pretty horrible to make do, if not close to impossible.
It’s all very trivial I know and I might be a selfish horrible person, but THAT’s what these choices are about. That we do not have to be slave to our bodies, and we have control over what we would like our lives to be like. I kept on looking for a sign that would say that the universe is telling me to do the “right” thing, but really what the universe made me do is exercise my right to choose..and that right is something I will fight for..even if I hated it.
And in the end, I had to choose.
2016 additions: It was a hard choice for me compared to other times. I was more angry because I knew that it was a decision completely made on financials and it was truly only a lack of money that lead the way. However, while it was certainly a struggle then where my heart fought my head; I can’t say that I feel any real anger anymore. In fact, much like the other two terminations I experienced, I don’t feel much of anything at all. Even when I try to dig up something. It’s more like “yeah that was hard, glad it’s over now.”
I like my life as it is now. I like that my kids are getting more independent I like being able to be on the computer for more tat 15 minutes at a time. I like that I can think about a better job right now. I like that we have a small measure of financial breathing room; not enough really yet to take big huge breaths, but much better than really struggling We are in financial recovery right now; to make it sick again? Ugg.
2016 additions: I do believe that we made the right choice. At this point I have been parenting non stop for 25 years and I will admit, I look forward to the kids being grown. I love being able to leave the house without worrying about a babysitter, or child care, etc. And as much as I know we would have had enough love, it was the everything else that was lacking. I look back on all that went down that year and I actually wonder if I could have survived it while pregnant! It was a crazy year.. we got married, met Max, I broke my arm! I did stop waiting tables and did get a better job, so some things worked out as planned.
In the end, it came down to I don’t want to be pregnant.
And so I took the pill.
Tomorrow will be the hellish day. I take the rest of the pills that make it all happen. In a matter of hours it will start. Clots and pads. I plan on NOT working. That’s ok, I can deal with the aftermath. What you gonna do? It’s part of the territory.
I think I am a little sad over the what if, what is lost..but all and all..I am OK. It’s done in any case, I decided. Since I could do it, I did.
2016 additions: Hellish turned out to be kind of an understatement. I was happy at the idea of being able to take the ” abortion pill” aka Mifepristone and Misoprostol, thinking it would be less intrusive than a surgical procedure and I liked the idea of being at home. Being that I lulled myself into thinking that this would somehow be a kinder gentler method, I was quite unprepared for what really can only be described as the violence of my body’s workings. I can say the pills were quite effective and also right on time. Everything started working exactly when I was told it would, but wow.. I had expected a really really bad period, but what I was unaware of was that these pills make pretty much EVERYTHING cramp; uterus, guts, stomach, intestines, bowels, what have you! So basically, one’s body expels EVERYTHING.. quickly and forcefully! I will avoid any more gory details, but I spent hours in the bathroom on the john and almost passed out once or twice. I would not advise anyone to do this alone; have someone to check up on you and make sure you are ok.
Once the initial drugs worked, everything else was rather uneventful. However, I was deemed anemic at my follow up appointment due to the blood loss. I was told that I experienced a more extreme reaction, so maybe for other women it might be kinder and gentler. I do feel compelled to say for anyone who is considering this, I could not pretend it was only a bad period. There was little doubt as to what was going on which I actually do think is ok. I might have been unprepared for the intensity of the reaction to the drugs, but I don’t think that an abortion should be something to take lightly. In other words, I am not complaining about “suffering”, but rather just issuing a warning to others.Again, looking back now 9 years later, I don’t at all regret that I choose to terminate that pregnancy. It was the right choice for our family even if it was controlled by financial concerns. I am really really happy that this did motivate Rye to get the damn vasectomy already! At least the chances of this being something I must face again is much much smaller. ( I can’t say non existent for fear I might be tempting the Gods!)
If you have any interest in the ” adoption vs abortion debate, do please read this first: Adoption is NOT an Alternative to Abortion. You can also find more posts that talk about abortion issues here:
hugs. love. warmth. support. positive thoughts. friendship. its why i am pro choice. your body. your choice.
much love. be well.
Hugs to you. If I were there I’d give them to you with a cup of tea too.
The song ends with “feed your head, feed your head”
((((Claud)))))
Many thoughts and prayers, Claud. I’m hoping the physical aspect isn’t too awful for you. I’m sending so many hugs to NY right now. *hugs*
Sending hugs and positive thoughts to you.
Adoption is wrong but abortion is okay. What I read from both your messages is “It is all about you”!
Wow. Yuck. I agree with the last comment. How can you be for killing a baby but not letting the baby live with a family that wants it? Your posting made me ill.
As much as I am pro-choice, this left me horrified. Part of the struggle for birthmothers is being seen as women who should be heard; women with voices. Birthmothers want to be viewed as women leading decent and functional lives who should have been able to parent their children. Then something like this is read and it’s going to offend most Americans, even pro-choice ones because it is not a case where abortion was necessary in any way. You want to be viewed as a grieving and wronged mother. But when you post about your abortion, it is hard to make sense of that…it just damages the cause and doesn’t make you look like a grieving mother anymore. It’s truly your right to make this choice; I just wish it wasn’t part of a natural mother’s blog because I believe it hurts the perception of natural mothers and takes the sympathy away from them as a group.
This post does make me very sad. If you and your husband do not want to parent any more children, then one of you should have had that potential permanently fixed. Tubes tied, male or female. Just pretend Max was aborted and get over him, just like your others.
wow some harsh comments here…but Claud from someone not afraid to sign their name…I am proud to call you my friend and though we all make different decisions I can not and will not condemn you for the making of yours..the decision was yours and you had every right to make it. My thoughts are with you because I know this was very difficult for you to do…I am sorry that you have to come here and read the angry words.
While I admire your ability to go public on this personal situation, this is really disappointing how this ended. It doesn’t make sense.
I thought it was about “what’s best for the child”. This smacks of what’s best for Claud. I’m not even going to get into the whole being responsible and when you could have exercised your right to choice thing.
You encourage expectant mothers to parent when faced with seemingly uphill battles (which BTW I think can be good advice depending on the circumstance), but then you choose to do the opposite when faced with…well, with really nothing. You lost credibility.
To HK and the anonymous judgmental arse-wipes, go stuff yourselves, eh?
This is Claude’s call regardless, and quite frankly I think she has more than enough to deal with without being castigated for making the difficult choice not to carry another pregnancy to term.
I’m sure she has carefully considered and factored in the needs of her existing family before coming to this decision, which, in fact, is quite consistent with what she has said in the past with regards to reproductive rights.
anonymous, too bad there wasnt a pill for u2!
eeek!!! i just wanted to wish you lots of comfort and strength during this time. forget what anyone else has to say. if anything, this was probably much harder for you than ever, because you are a first mother. whatever anonymous said, it doesnt change the truth. you made a choice and it is your right to make it. even if it feels shitty. dont let anyone make you feel bad about it. whatever happened to if you can’t say something nice…
Hugs to you Claud. I am thinking of you and hoping that all is getting better for you.
As far as the anonymouses, no matter what this is about choice. Accidents do happen. I commend Claud for stepping up and being honest. No matter what she does or chooses, you will condemn her. Its obvious in your choice of words. Because she is a first mom, you condemn her. Because she chose abortion you condemn her. Having spoken with thousands of mothers across this nation, many mothers would choose abortion. Many of these women have suffered at the hands of the adoption machine. Many consider it a fate worse than death. As an adoptee, yes, sometimes I do wish that I had been aborted. You know why – then I would not have to face the hypocracy of the adoption industry. I would not have to face the property issues that are placed upon me in this society.
Umm yeah.
Thank you for the kind comments, and umm..thanks for the not so kind ones.
Yeah, actually it IS all about me and my family. Did we miss the part about how I stuggled over this? How much I had huge problems making this decision? How I would have appreciated any other outcome much more than what I was ultimatly lead to do?
The final outcome is that IS is the best thing for my family and yes, myself. I am not dancing in the streets. And want to know something else…yeah, some real small part of me almost, key word, almost, wished that I could have this child and then allow someone who desired a baby to have all that I didn’t. Yeah, for fleeting minutes, the IDEAL of adoption seemed like a good idea. Heck, I know if I had gone to any adoption agency, we would have been a great “baby source” a lovely story, acceptable placement standards. But That’s not what adoption is…and there is no way in hell that I would ever allow that loss, something that effects so many more than this mere physical discomforet, back into our lives. So fleeting thought, yeah..but oh so fleeting.
And as far for this not being real nor symathethic,..whatever. Umm hello, real mothers natural or not, real people have to face these choices. That’s life. I sure as hell didn;t ask for it, not did I choose it and I wish to hell it didn’t happen, but it did. Should I pretend that it didn’t? Maybe I should lie?
You know, I might not have put EVERY reason WHY having another child is not a good thing for my family. See, really I don’t need the approval of a bunch of anonymousus and really, some things are personal. I get to choose what is too personal to share or not. I get to choose what is necessary or not.
And as for what we should have, could have, didn’t do..again..I am going to list our sexual accounts here to get deemed accpetable for pregnancy pervention. I am well aware enough that by all accounts this pregancy sould have been impossible. Obviously, that’s not good enough if you happen to be fertile merytle. Does it suck that it had to come to this to convince hubby that the snip snip is the way to go? Yeah, it is too late this time, but at least I know there will NOT be a next time.
And really, right now..with your
can’t “sign my name chicken shit crap”…I say shut the fuck up.
Yes duh…I do support abortion over adoption. Have you bothered to read any things else here? Or just jump into the conversation with your judgements? Ugg talk about making someone ill.
Go away.
Claud,
As others have already stated, healing thoughts to you.
it obviously wasn’t an easy decision to make.
I do think that a clinic should be able to discuss all the options though, adoption included. Not push the options but at least discuss the different possibilities.
Claud… it’s Teresa from SofA (could not remember blog password); just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and that I hope things turn back to normal soon. Many hugs.
You make me sick ~ you are selfish beyond compare ~ you are such a hypocrite!! How long will it be before you turn this story around ~ and make yourself out to be the victim?? You make me sick.
Wow, I guess some people have never been faced with shitty life circumstances where all available options suck donkey dicks, but you have to just make the best choice you can given all factors.
Wish I lived such a charmed life.
charmed life? no, but at least my mom let me live it.
Unfuckingbelievable. (Not you Claud, the self-righteous assholes leaving crap comments on your blog, in the middle of what is a difficult, emotional time.)
Do you people not have ONE bone of decency in your body?
I don’t fucking care HOW much you disagree with abortion, this is NOT the time to preach a pro-life agenda. Just fucking LEAVE HER ALONE.
Claud, sorry, I HAD to get that out. Now returning the focus where it belongs, which is you…
I’m so sorry. I know this wasn’t easy. I could hear the conflict in your words, in these posts about the pregnancy. Reading them just made my chest tighten and gave me minor anxiety attacks just THINKING about the situation–it had to be a million times worse, being in it. ((Hugs))
You do not owe anyone ANYthing. Only your family and you. And if this was the best decision for your family and yourself, then it was the best decision. It’s that simple.
I respect and admire your honesty in this post. And I do not think it hurts our “cause” one bit. What’s our cause? To be seen as real women, who should be afforded rights and humane treatment like any other woman. I don’t see how being so real, so honest, having so much integrity with yourself and your readers can in any way “hurt” us. It can only help.
Thank you for sharing this piece of your life. I think it took incredible strength to share it as it was actually happening. I doubt I could have done that, knowing that all the naysayers and ignoramuses would descend en masse to ridicule and chide during such an emotional time. I’m so sorry you even had to make this choice; I’m sorry none of the choices were very good ones; and I’m sorry that people prefer to judge you, rather than support you.
((Hugs))
You’re going to make it. And FWIW… I believe I would have made the same choice.
oh GIVE ME A BREAK – you put this personal information OUT THERE- you have to know you are going to get both sides comments… I DO NOT FEEL SORRY for you but rather I LOATHE you – not because I am pro-life, which I am proud to be, but because your reasoning for the choices you made were absurd… you would not be able to smoke and play on the computer… your tatoos may stretch????? Gee – I wonder if the women who will go their entire lives not knowing the miracle of birth would find your reasoning legitimate…but then again – you care about no one but yourself.
You know what I am one of those moms that you speak of and I believe that it was Clauds right to choose for herself regardless of her reasons…it is not my place to pass judgement on her. She, and millions of other women make this decision every minute of every day…they do not HAVE to consider what I, an infertile woman might think. It is their body and their choice not mine. Don’t you know Claud and I had a private conversation about this and I stand behind her and her fertile myrtle body though mine doesn’t even think about bearing a child…please don’t believe that you can talk for all of us or know what we feel…bluck to you
Oh Claudia, I am so sorry. You did what was best for you and your family.
Love to you, and take good care of yourself.
To the anonymous among us,
How could you be so cruel after reading how hard this decision was. You talk as if she took this lightly, obviously she did not. Claud isn’t looking for sympathy, she’s looking for understanding. It’s is apparently a concept much too complicated for you to grasp.
How can we be so cruel??? I am sorry – isn’t she the one who just murdered a child?
You know, for all of the nasty comments here, what good did it do you to attack her here? Is your anger from being prochoice or are you an adoptive mother that wishes you had her child? Ladies, we are all women here and one woman having a child does not entitle someone else to her baby. Adoption has to be agreed upon or it just doesn’t work. Yes, it makes me sad that I cannot conceive a child but that is no more another woman’s fault than it is mine. Claud is an incredible lady and I find it sad that you post your hate on her blog anonymously. You say she had choices… so did you. Post your hate on your own blog.
Hugs Claud… I cannot imagine what you’re feeling today, but I can still say hey… friends are thinking of you.
EXCUSE ME??????????
No one murdered a child, here.
A conflicted woman made a difficult choice to abort an EMBRYO.
Unless you can provide me a definition of what a “soul” is, prove that souls exist, and THEN prove that embryos this early in gestation actually HAVE a soul, you have absolutely no more proof for your belief that this was a human child than others do for their belief that it’s just an EMBRYO, a POTENTIAL human child.
You know really though, I’m very sad for you. You LOATHE Claud? WHY? Usually when people outright hate someone else on such a personal level, it has more to do with the hater’s issues and unresolved pain… rather than the moral character of the person being hated.
Maybe you need to spend some time figuring out why this has got you so riled up, and then try working through some semblance of acceptance of your own pain. It would probably make you feel a whole lot better in the long run than lashing out at Claud.
I have no desire to debate religion with you…the age old battle of when an embryo becomes a life will not be proven or decided by people on this blog. Each of us must live with the choices we make. Please, do not waste your time being sad for me… perhaps find some compassion for the child lost who will not have a chance at life. Life is precious.
Quote: “…the age old battle of when an embryo becomes a life will not be proven or decided by people on this blog.”
EXACTLY.
Which is why it’s WAY out of line to say she MURDERED A CHILD. You CANNOT prove that.
Good for you, Claud. All well said, even if that’s not what you were going for- it was real.
I watched Alice in Wonderland this weekend- had never seen it all the way through.
Bought Luxor 2- couldn’t find the first.
Bah, had to add that I just now read the comments. Wanted to reiterate how much I appreciated how real your words are in this post. All of them. Every one. It’s hard to put yourself out there and be so honest. Thank you for doing it.
no one can prove that anyone has a soul at any age. what else did that embryo have the potential to be, besides human? that child may have looked just like max, may have acted just like her. what if that embryo was a female…where are HER rights? i think clauds credibility has gone to hell.
abortion is something someone contemplates when faced with tragedy…unemployment, unmarried, homeless, deathly ill….not married, gainfully employed, housed, healthy and willing participating in sex.
Claud, I know it wasn’t decision you took lightly or made easily. You know you aren’t alone.
Hugs from me also.
It was your choice to make – some anon idiots just don’t get it.
Obviously they just want someone else’s baby – so they have to make you feel guilty for the choices that you have EVERY right to make.
Thinking of you.
do you people actually listen to yourselves?
No cyber hugs here.
Dear Claud
I find myself in the exact same position as you found yourself. I’m pregnant and don’t want to be. Our contraception was supposed to be permanent, it didn’t work. I have three small kids already and have a hard time keeping up with them.
I am an adoptee. Adoption is not an option for me. I would never ever put a child through adoption – I know what it feels like growing up adopted and if I’d had the choice, I would have rather been aborted. I’m sure your annonymous arsewipes don’t understand those feelings at all. (I’m annonymous because I’m too thick to work out how to sign in, sorry!) and you’re right there are loads of considerations to take into account, which are too many to list in a blog and too personal to list in a blog (the impact on the other kids, the hubby, the family as a whole etc etc) I’m booked in for an abortion. I don’t know if I’ll go through with it. If I keep the baby I know the quality of my other kids lives will suffer. I can’t win.
Oh and to the annonymous who mentioned infertile people. Why the heck should us fertile people take responsibility for other peoples infertility? that’s ludicrous. AND we don’t owe our kids to infertiles either. don’t even go there the “think of other people who can’t have kids” that’s NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!
I love your blog. I love your advocacy work and I feel very protective of you, even though I don’t even know you! Take care sweetie.
Heather x
Claud, I can only hope that this has caused you to rethink your irrational animosity toward those adoptions that take place under circumstances just as conflicted as the one you find yourself in. I don’t think you see yourself as a victim here, pressured by the abortion industry. Why would you think mothers who choose to adopt out their children are always pressured by the adoption industry? Some women who find themselves in your position happen to be pro-life, and yet you assume they are victimized and cannot make rational decisions by themselves. You are showing them profound disrespect by assuming they are not mature enough to make the decision to adopt out, that adoptions always take place under pressure. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Well, you can, but you run the risk of being accused of being a hypocrite.
I was adopted- and thank the powers that be everyday. I do not understand how you could be a Mother yet have no respect for the life of an unborn child? The poster who commented that she would rather have been aborted than adopted is just so sad ~ whatever your life was growig up it brought you to a place where you now are a Mom yourself- how can you feel the journey was not worth it? You scehduled an abortion becaise you feel you can’t win? YOU CAN WIN – you can have a healthy baby who will be the light of your life – it is a winning situation for everyone in the family???
I am TOTALLY curious how women who have had two-three- four children STILL are surprised that they GET pregnant??
Claud has never said, that I am aware of, that ALL adoptions happen with coercion and pressure. Only that it is a frequent occurance which it is. Claud has never disrespected my son’s first mom or me, or called her a “victim” or any of that. She and I discuss reform issues frequently.
Here I am, a mother via adoption, and I still think the adoption industry is deeply dysfunctional and in dire need of reform. Here I am, infertile, yet fervently pro-choice. Do either of my positions make me a hypocrite? I don’t think so because these are complex issues with multiple facets, not black and white, either/or scenarios. Therefore, one can have many feelings about different aspects and yet still be internally consistent.
I really don’t understand where these accusations of hypocrisy are coming from.
(((((Claud)))))
Happy G’Ma
Oh Claud. I am thinking of you and hoping you are ok. You were very brave to post this and it saddens me greatly that people seem to be coming out of the woodwork to bash you.
Hey Claud? If you’ve got site meter running and can pull the IP’s for the psychopaths posting – feel free to then run them through SofA and ban their asses.
If any of you are members of SofA – get the fuck off my site. We don’t need your kind there.
Claud, I love you hon – whatever you need, I’m here.
Okay, I’m a chickenshit–posting as anonymous. I don’t apologize. I am an adoptive mother, and unfortunately an “abortive mother” as well. I do know what those things are like. I don’t know what its like to be a birth parent or an adoptee. I hear you and other birthparents’ (and respect) discussions on adoption reform and how agencies don’t give expecting moms information/support/options/counseling/time to make a decision etc. So where I am confused about your post is why is it acceptable that PP does the following??
“Planned parenthood was fantastic. Though they offered assistance if I wasn’t sure, my feelings with them was if I was here, I am sure enough. They took “eh, I’m OK”as an answer. Really, there are times when you are trusted to make up your own mind and that is good not to have to justify it. No one mentioned the adoption option once, nor could I see anything that seemed to support them even pushing it.”
Help me understand why this is okay. I aborted almost 18 years ago and when I went to the clinic, they accepted my statement of “well, this is against everything I beleive in but I think I’m going to do it anyway.” I swear–they were fine with this. Another blogger/birthmom spoke about waiting around for someone to say, its okay to parent, you don’t have to do this…well I was in the same situation. No one said it.
Wishing you peace with your decision and I’m sorry you were in a difficult predicament.
I am amazed that anyone could be so stupid as to consider what Claud did to be abortion. A few cells together is NOT a fetus!
And nevermind that this does not compare at all to losing a child to adoption. NO mother whose child is alive and in her arms wants to lose that child to adoption: Coercion and the profit motive are the rule not the exception in the adoption industry.
Claud, you did the right thing, at the right time: as soon as you found out you were pregnant and had time to consider all options. You did NOT have an abortion. You had an induced period. That is all. Many many pregnancies end naturally at this stage anyway. Should the moms be charged with manslaughter if their period is late and they then miscarry? I don’t think so.
and of course, the idiots ignore the fact of how many natural mothers have abortions out of desperation after having lost a child to adoption, never wanting to ever go through that type of pain ever again.
birth control fails. and when it does and you cannot keep a child and you know you can never bear to lose another to adoption, then abortion is often the only option.
adoption aborts the mother.
abortion aborts the child. a few cells? look at pictures of a fetus at 4 weeks, there is a whole lot more going on than a few cells! and for the record, i am NOT an adoptive mother and i do not want clauds baby. i just have a heart. i do not consider myself religious, but at the moment of conception, that is a human growing…it is the first stage of our lives….all of us have been there.
“but at the moment of conception, that is a human growing…it is the first stage of our lives….all of us have been there.”
And again, that is your BELIEF, but it is by no means a scientific, verifiable fact.
So please stop stating it as if it were.
If you’re this strongly against abortion and really want to work against it, go write your senator. DO NOT badger a decent woman who just made an emotional, difficult decision.
a belief? no, honey, that is a fact. at conception, it is a human. it’s not a tomato. there is NOTHING ELSE it can possibly become, nothing. it starts at the moment the egg and sperm meet up. i didn’t say anything about a soul. i don’t even know if i believe in god, heaven, or any of that. i am talking common sense. and we all, every one of us, in FACT start out as a sperm and egg uniting. that is a fact. pure and scientific. there is not another damn thing that that can ever possibly become, except a human. if you are done having babies, then prevent the sperm from meeting up with the egg.
(hugs to you Cluad)
I know that was a hard decision for you.
~thinking of you~
personally, i think “anonymous” is jealous. why else would she choose Claud to unleash all her unresolved issues about abortion/adoption? Anonymous says she regrets aborting 18 yrs ago. she also says shes an adoptive mother. She’s the total opposite of Claud. Claud was victimized by the Adoption Industry, yet managed to make her way thru the loss of her real live son.Not only that, she advocates for others moms like her.She now has a family and a life, which she had to work pretty HONESTLY and HARD for.You can try to cut her up every side of sunday and all you are doing, is prooving us right. You actually are the poster woman for PRO ADOPTION. You had an abortion, regretted, then somehow adopted. And when WOMAN LIKE US, have the courage to walk out the pain in our lives, reach out to others, you get all judgemental and consumer and pro life on our asses.
ANONYMOUS, sorry you felt tricked into abortion. sorry you never got to experience child birth.
What’s right for the mother is essential to the well being of a child. If mom’s doesnt have resources, how can the baby?
i guarantee you this, and others can chime in here, but ending a pregnancy, or the “idea” of a future child,is a FAR CRY from the mutiliation of mother-child bonds that adoption metts out.
What Claud did was right for her. It’s not her fault you didnt do what was right for you.
Srry – i had to get that off my chest!!!
OMG,,just reading this,, I am so sorry claude you had to read some of the comments here,
and I am sorry for all the emotions you must have gone through to make this decision, funny thing about being woman we get to make our own choices ,,and you certainly should be able to do that with out having to deal with people who clearly can not handle themselves appropriatly,,or have lost their minds, I am so sorry for you mostly and embarrased for them,,
hugs ani
Claud you open yourself up to public scrutiny when you post person things on a public internet. If you wanted support from your friends you should have emailed them or called them and they would have given you all the hugs and kisses you needed.
People have a right to their opinions on what you have done. Of course there are many people that it angers, some of them may be women who cannot have their own children and some may be pro lifers and so may be people who the way you phrased the entire blog was taken back by it. You certainly have to expect that. Women do have a right to choose and I hope that is never taken away from us but you also have to admit saying you don’t want your tattoos to stretch out or have to quit smoking even though it is your right to choose no matter what the situation is can cause quite an uproar because it is pretty disgusting in my opinion.
Why does things have to get so violent, a post from heartened wants you to give her everyones IP address, is this woman for real? Who exactly does she think she is? Obviously she is someone who THINKS that she has alot of power. I found that statement pretty gross and quite immature.
Your decision was your decision but don’t get upset when people don’t give you hugs and support for something you did which alot of people view as murder. Personally I find it amazing that anyone would post anything so personal on a blog that the entire world can see.
And for the record here there are several ANONS posting here – not all one person
i agree with that you cant expect to publish this crap on the open world wide web and expect everyone to agree with what you have done. I am disgusted that you would choose to share these indiscretions with everyone. Do you not care what your children think? Do you not think they will wonder how you chose to terminate inconvenient pregnancies- yet not theirs? How can anyone think that a fetus is not a human life? It has one purpose-to grow… not a religious belief- a scientific fact.
Also-many of you appear completely uninformed about adoption. People who adopt are not all infertile woman who need a child to fulfill them
but rather most are woman with open hearts who accept a child who has no one else… and gives them unconditional love. Most have great respect for the woman who gave birth to their children and remain thankful they chose life.
Oh really? It’s a public blog?? Anyone could read it?? Wow…I never knew.
Yeah..umm duh. And obviously I really don’t care..coz if I did, I would either have turned comments off, or be deleating things that are cruel in my eyes, or whatever…see, I put things out there , publicially, for a reason. Because I know I am not the only one going though this. Because I will not be the only woman in the world to have to face this. Becasue, unkike some of the more perfect people in the world, well, I just guess karma has not caught up with me yet, and still things aren’t perfect..and sometime sucky things happen.
And yeah, I DID post the super shallow lines of thinking that I had. I like the way you can all focus on those, only, and ignore the big ones. Convienient isn’t it, selective reading? Never mind if you bothered to scroll down, only two posts ago, I have a whole post having to do with my conflits, my guilt, etc. But please ignore that…it might make me too sympathetic…or human ,or not loathable enough.
I’m not really in it for the hugs. Cyber hugs are kinda lame anyway, though well intented and I fully appreciate them, if really needed, then the real thing is what I have here. And I would rather want my children to HAVE the same options I have and NOT have to feel shame and secrecy around it. Which is WHY I opened myself up to this all and posted anyway..because I felt that shame again..not for the decision, but for just being Preganant. For having that lovely uber fertitlity. For being failed by birth control and my body again…and THAT shame makes more trouble than it is worth..so I go though it now…put it out there..not for your fodder, not for the scorn, not for the hugs, but so I cannot hid in the shame…and hopefully, give someone else the ablility to know it is OK too. It happens, it is life. Smetimes it sucks, and we have to deal..rock and a hard place.
But thanks for that lsson in what I should do and not do. Posting blog rules and all. Kool!
[i]People who adopt are not all infertile woman who need a child to fulfill them
but rather most are woman with open hearts who accept a child who has no one else[/i]
That is complete bullshit. I am an adoptive mom and I know dozens of adoptive moms so I am “informed” about adoption.
If what you said here was true, MOST adoptions would be through the foster system, and that is simply not the actuality…only a tiny percentage of adoptions happen through the foster system.
The fact is most adoptive parents want to parent a child and can’t do it the old fashioned way. Maybe not all, there are always exceptions, but certainly “most” aren’t out there spending 10’s of thousands of dollars to “accept children who have noone else”.
ok, I am pro-life, to a major degree, but I know I have no power over someone elses body, nor should I. I read Claud’s blog regularily and while I was hoping that she would not go through with the abortion, I respect her decision and her as a person. We live in a world where things like this are going to happen. i am also a first mom and I recently had a miscarriage of a very wanted baby, and although I have never had an abortion, I can tell you that IN NO WAY can the loss of a fetus be compared to the loss of a full term baby in regards to the pain a mom goes through.
I do have a question for all of you pro-lifers who are judging Claudia right now though. What kind of birth control do you use? if you use ANY hormonal birth control, you have done the EXACT same thing as Claudia just did at least once in your childbearing years, and most likely alot more than once so you have no right to judge. Read the literature that comes with your hormonal birth control and you will find that it has the secondary function of disrupting the lining of your uterus to make a FERTILIZED EGG, aka baby, not implant. The IUD does this as well, as a chief function. If you are truly pro-life and want to judge Claudia for taking a major dose of what you probably take everyday, you may need to change something because the two don’t match. Look at what kind of birth control you use, then realize that you do it too, and for the same reasons, then offer her some compassion in this hard time.
I am very sorry you are going through this Claudia, I know the decision was very hard for you, I could see that in what you wrote.
No, it is not bullshit. I know hundreds of women who fit the exact description I gave. MANY adopted thru the foster system and many others privately or internationally. 75 % have biological children and still choose to adopt. Why is that so hard to grasp? There really ARE people out there who want to open their families to a child who does not have a family…
Lindsay – do you really think a person who feels so strong about pro-life would be so blind to not know the implications of hormonal birth control? Then again-you would think a person who has been pregnant several times would know how to prevent it…
You said “most” and that’s what I was calling bullshit on. I also find it hard to believe any normal person could know hundreds of people who adopted altruistically…are you an adoption professional or something that would put you in contact with hundreds of adoptive parents?
OkayI can tell you that I know many many people that have adopted and I can
>say that about 60-70 percent of them already have bio children. Multiple
>bio children, not one thing wrong with their fertility, they chose to adopt
>because they wanted to give a child already born a family instead of
>bringing another child into the world. I also have known quite a few people
>that have adopted thru the foster care system. Two of my friends and their
>husbands are doing it right now, one has 4 bio children the other has 2.
>Not one thing wrong with either of their fertility. My stepson and his wife
>do not want bio children they want to adopt. My niece has said to me
>multiple times that when she gets married they want to adopt instead of
>having bio’s. So yes it is true that many do adopt that are infertile but
>many more adopt who just want to give a child who cannot be provided for by
>the first parent a chance in life.
Many of the reasons however that people are wary adopting from the foster care system is the fact that many of these children have been abused at the hands of their first parents and the psychological impact to the child is many tmes so severe that it is almost impossible to parent them.
As for Claudia she made her decision that was her right as a woman she will
never know what joy that child could have brought to their lives or what
great things they may have done. That is a decision she will have to live
with just like her decision to give her son up for adoption. Obviously she
is still an incredibly angry person our lives are what they are because of
the deicisions we make in them. at work and have to go on again.
Mary
Elizabeth here!
Yeah, Claud, cyberhugs are worthless, but the sentiments behind them are not. Your body, your life, your decision, your consequences. Apparently, hurling judgments, horror, righteous indignation, moral certainty all come easily. Seems like even a gentle search for clarification, depth, meaning, struggle takes too much effort, even a question, too much effort. Rather focus on a tattoo. Some people need to keep things very, very simple. The world is easier to understand when it’s black and white. I appreciate your shades of gray.
uumm…thanks lindsay for the lovely ed piece on CONTRAception. get it? contra=anti, anti as in NO….NO CONCEPTION. we use rhythm method and condoms. and obviously there is a chance for CONCEPTION…if that were to happen, then we parent. when we are no longer open to that possiblility then one of us chooses a more permanent and more reliable method to prevent conception. thanks.
Teresa here…
I really wish everyone could keep their agenda to themselves and quit feeding the generalizations we receive as adoptive parents. I am an adoptive mother and I separate the issue of what Claudia went through from adoption. Her body, her choice, her life. She’s got a lot on her mind… give it a rest and let her sort through her emotions. Hugs Claud.
I agree Teresa.
Therefore perhaps Claud can refrain from slamming every adoption just because she feels she got shafted.
For every bad adoption story there are many more wonderful stories.
I agree there should be reform. But as in every situation, reform will only come from seeing both sides and taking a moderate position. Anyone taking an extreme position only alientates those they are attempting to persuade.
Oh geez anon..get with the program and stop being so defensive and paranoid. I don’t SLAM every adoption story. Heck, I even got booted from the ones who do becasue I dare to hang around with adoptive parents.
Oh but maybe I should live up to the sterotype that you have percieved about me.
SLAM..that’s for you teresa! lol
And another for my dear Deb..Slam!
Here Kippa SLAM
And Brandi SLAM
amd my dear E..SLAM
and SCO…SLAM!
And how about Margie..SLAM
And who did I miss??Oh right, al whole lot of samming going down.
I have a whole bag of adoption slams for all you awful terrible people.
Geez…don;t act like you know who I am if you just really havent got a clue. Try reading…mmmkay?
Next thing you’re gonna tell me that I am a crack whore!
And I am NOT living up to that one!
fAnonymous… you are so right, there are many wonderful adoptions, mine is one. I have two beautiful little girls and all is good between me and their first mothers. That being said, Claudia has NEVER once criticized me or my children, if she did, I might give weight to your argument. Perhaps if you got to know her, you would know that. The irony is that she has lost extreme anti-friends for being friends with people like me. Doesn’t sound like she can be all that bad…
Claud… right back at ya my dear! Was that a slam or a high five? Hugs my friend, enjoy enjoy enjoy this special time with Max.
Teresa
Ditto to everything Theresa just wrote.
Claud is openminded and and openhearted. She’s also honest, hardworking, kind and brave. As well as feisty. That all adds to to pretty unbeatable in my book.
Enjoy, Claud. You and Max will do great.
Here is a thought, get up every morning and go to work like I do. You can also use WIC, government subsidised housing and childcare, Medical and Medicare, and like my housekeeper who left an abusive husband in the middle of the night, got on a bus with her two babies, came to this state, lived in a one bedroom apartment with her 2 kids, took the bus and cleanind peoples houses while her children were in state funded childcare. Now I have no problem helping anyone who wishes to work and there are government programs available. This uneducated hardworking woman is proof of it!
Dear Anon…
While I can appreciate your advice to mothers who have lost their children to adoption combined with your own experience, I think our point is that the adoption industry preys on the emotions of all parties involved.
They are out to make a profit and anyone who believes otherwise is severely mislead. That being said, facilitaors that profit from adoption convince mothers that placing their child is a loving choice, one they will never regret. They prey upon the emotions of potential adoptive parents wanting to parent, thus milking the financial side. Yes, I did have to present a stable financial condition.
But reform should insure that a relinguishing mother should be informed of WIC, job assistance, educational benefits and all other ways that our government helps all of its citiizens. If she chooses adoption after being informed of those thngs, then adoption can be more ethical. You assume that every person knows everything and when a woman is faced with a very emotional decision, I can easily see where her mind is easily maniuplated by those that can profit from her baby.
That being said, I am an adoptive mother and I ADORE the two women that trusted me with their little girls. I will never disrepsect them by downplaying their CONTINUED role in the lives of my children and me.
Further, I am not intimidated by reform nor do I see a reason for us to not all be on the same page. None of us want to see our children as transactions and as much as I adore the very smell of my little girls, I fail to see why it is so hard to show compassion for women on the other side.
My continued hugs and joy for your big week Claud… enjoy your time with Max.
Teresa
no one forced you -no one robbed you- no onw coerced you. you signed the papers and gave your child up to the system. If youwanted to be a Mom to that child – like anon said- their are so many programs out there to help you- woman do it everyday. I am not doubting that it was a hard and difficult decision to relingush y our baby- but take responsibility for it. While you may regret it – then preach about regret and informed decisions so a young Mom may avoid the same heartache- instead of blaming everyone else. Every Mom I know out there that has adopted is eternally thankful for the decision of their child’s birth mom- you would think frst moms would show the same gratitude and respect to us and MANY do – just not here.
Claud, I object most to your assumption that most adoption agencies are out to trick birth mothers. I also do not think that birth mothers for the most part are duped, vulnerable little ignoramuses who are easily taken advantage of. And the majority of adoptive parents are not vampiric baby thieves, willing to go to any lengths to deceive birth parents and steal their children. Finally, most adoptive children don’t feel that sense of loss that I keep hearing about. People have an amazing ability to convince themselves of anything, and jin up all sorts of scientific evidence for whatever supports their belief. Every case is different; because you had a bad experience when you were a youngster does not mean everyone has regrets like you. Those with regrets seem to clump together and feed off each other’s opinions, and then you can’t imagine the truth being something outside your circle. I’d suggest letting some air into your bubble and rethink your assumptions about how adoption really turns out. I agree with the previous writer — birth mothers need to take responsibility for their decisions. It was the choice you made at that time. Own it, accept it, and move on. We all have regrets. It is nature’s way of teaching us to be more cautious next time. It is how we learn and grow. Life’s too short for regrets and longings for what could have been, and life’s too short to waste blaming others for our own shortcomings.
Out of towner this is the last I will be responding to this blog since it
has gotten way off from what claudia originally posted. I will be more than
happy to speak with you privately to discuss this more if you so choose.
I think your post is unbelievable and the attitudes of many birthwoman (not
all). Why is it that people always have to put the blame on someone else.
Wake up and lets start taking responsibility for our own actions. When I did
not want children I ALWAYS made sure we used two forms of birthcontrol and
if I didn’t have it then we didn’t have sex. You do realize that is an
option or maybe in your world it isn’t because why give up something you
enjoy doing if you can get the government to support you.
NEWSFLASH- We do pay for housing in this country, food stamps and if that
isn’t enough we have food shelters, we have free day care for those in need
and free tuition to community colleges. Last I heard most nurses have a 2
year degree and make an average of 80,000 in this area.
I don’t owe these woman any more, we already pay 42 percent of our salary in
taxes. People need to stop finding blame and start taking responsibility for
themselves.
Further just as you have all argued above that no one owes anything to an infertile woman, the same argument can apply to society being resposible for a woman who gets herself into a situation she cannot afford.
Mary- One very proud mother
_________________________________________________________________
Wow oh Wow – the more I read here the more that I am grateful that my daughter who could not choose abortion for HER (and her alone) has a trust fund that is healthy enough to protect her from the “anons” who lust after her healthy, caucasian child with the support of our government who would gladly starve her into submission while paying out adoption subsidies. Yuck, yuck, yuck – I cannot fathom my grandson being raised by those who think they are judge, jury, and God.
It is God who will judge, not “Anons”. I want to be a fly on the wall when God judges those who put themselves in her place.
Happy G’Ma
Okay this just plain needs to stop. This article was about a woman making a hard decision. I know this woman well enough to know that it was indeed very difficult for her.
I won’t argue politics on abortion. This my feelings about abortion. Yes it is a child. Since more and more cases are appearing where the children are neglected and abused in adoptive families, Corpus Christi Texas has a big case going. Adoption is a crap shoot. Being an adoptee yes I do sometimes wish that I had been aborted. Another complex tale to tell for another time. As a woman who might have dealt with an unintended pregnancy, if I had to choose, abortion or adoption. Adoption is filled with secrets and lies. I am product from the era of secrets and lies. Abortion is a safer situation because that child is going back to God. That Child is in God’s Hands. The safest place in the world. That being said.
Bashing on first mothers is whole nother ball game. So they should just take responsibility. MMMkay no disagree with that one. I have done extensive research into this. Women from the fifties, sixties, seventies, and even as late as the eighties were shamed into giving their children up for adoption. They were humiliated into giving their children up. They had their own insecurites used against them. I see them slightly differently. Actually quite alot differently. The medical personal refused to give them medication to help with their labor pains all because they got pregnant. Why is it always a woman’s fault that she gets pregnant? In the decades mentioned abortion wasn’t always a solution. Because it was against the law. It was unsafe in many many situations. Where are the men in this? It takes two to make a woman pregnant. These women were told that they should have kept their legs shut. Well guess what 95% of society has had sex before marriage including the prudes posting on this blog. It is a normal human function. Everyone assumes a mother just move on with their lives. Well guess what they don’t. Over 99% have proved that in both Oregon and New Hampshire. They want to know that their children are okay. I have not ever heard Claud bash adoptive parents except for those who feel entitled to someone else’s child. I hate those as well. It just adds to the property feeling. I am disgusted by the money side of adoption. Most of the posters on this blog I know and have chatted with along the way – includes adoptees, first parents and adoptive parents. Most of us have spent very serious time understanding adoption for what it is. It is a system of lies, coercion and corruption. Adoptees for the most part can’t get over it. Most first parents do take responsibility for their actions but they don’t get over it either. Adoptive parents that are friends here get that their shared children do hurt. We are all trying to do is to make this better for all involved. I appreciate the gut honesty that Claud presents. She is strong, beautiful, brilliant, classy, a total New Yorker, intelligent and vibrant. She is a woman that I deeply respect. If you would bother to step outside of the box, think outside the box, you would see that in her and the many other women like her. I could not have made it this far without her and the many many many others.
The two sides of the story will go on forever. i do not respect Claud -and am entitled to feel the way I do. Youwould choose abortion over adoption -to return the child to God?? Does this God you speak of condone murder? You say the child will return to God thus you beleive the fetus is a child- yet it is ok to do this to a child? You do not make a clear point but rather contradict yourself. Those of us who are pro-life do not equate to woman “lusting after your caucasion children” – your veiws are warped by your anger and bitterness. I can’t imagine giving up a child-so I can’t pretend to know your pain- I can not fathom aborting a child. I do have experience with adoption- on both sides- and am happy to say there are so many people who do not share your views…so many happy, healthy families that do not harbor bitterness but instead are thankful for the path to their forever families. it has been mentioned that we will all be judged for our actions… at least we can agree on that.
Yahweh does not seem to consider fetus’ or infants under one month persons, so abortion is not murder (the unlawful killing of a person) according to these verses.
Exodus 21:22-23
Leviticus 27:6
Numbers 3:15-16
Also, he did condone the killing of fetus’ and babies and pregnant women several times
Genesis 38:24
Hosea 9: 14,16
Hosea 13:16
Numbers 31:15-17
God’s choesn people, the Jews have never considered abortion a sin and they have carried the laws of God with them for thousands of years
“Jewish law is quite clear in its statement that an embryo is not reckoned a viable living thing (in Hebrew, bar kayama) until thirty days after its birth. One is not allowed to observe the Laws of Mourning for an expelled fetus. As a matter of fact, these Laws are not applicable for a child who does not survive until his thirtieth day.” ~Rabbi Balfour Brickner
Amy, you are a piece of work. Amazing. You love to wallow in your pain and suffering, like a pig in muck. It has become a sort of drug to you, hasn’t it? What, would head explode if you made an effort to move on with your life and get over the fact that your birth mother gave you up? It’s your reality, Amy. Take it and move on, instead of your nonsense longing to be aborted and your irrational vitriolic diatribe against the adoption industry. If you wanted to be aborted, there are easy ways to take care of that as an adult. I would hope there are people in your life that make your life worthwhile and you would not take that route. You sound so miserable though that I am very surprised that you have not taken that action. But on another point, I am confused. If a fetus is not really a baby, then what is going to God when you abort? Some cells? Or is a fetus a baby? I am pro-choice, so I support Claud’s decision. However, I don’t support the argument that it is better to be aborted than adopted. That is a selfish position on the part of the pregnant mother. I think the child would beg to differ on what is a better future.
Go speak your speak somewhere else. Leave her alone. You just don’t want to see any side in this. I am done with you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Claud!