For the second time at least, a post about some thing not personal, has inspired very personal Anonyomous commentary. You know that poster who just happens to hint or speak in such a way that one goes..”hmmmm…who could you be..could you really have some other knowledge?” and then one must run to their tracker and search IPs and locations. Enough of a tone, that you..or at least I, and also I knowsome of you vai your email comments…that we get that certain sinking feeling in our gut and go “Can it be them??”
Now, the calm rational part of me says,”Ok so if it is them? Or someone who knows them”..after all I am hardly hiding. And really I don’t have any thoughts here that I am embrassed to show to the world..hence a public blog. And it is not so hard to find me..even in real life ..if one would like to. Nor is it so hard to find my most intimate story, the whole story, bits of personal info about any of us. Afterall, I searched and found Max based on the vague clue of his parents occupations, the nationality of their last name, and the guess at their first names. This is the internet…many things are very possible. I alone do not hold the magic wand of searching and finding.
Now the calming part of mny soul nows this and tells myself not to worry. Afterall, my handy dandy sitemeter seems to say that the second Anon post of the second Anon in question is from Tennessee. Though I know that is hardly FBI certified, and people have business trips, and IPs can be hidden. OK. Plus, going to my links will give one a bit more insite to all our personal stuff..including Max. Yeah, you want to contact him directly and tell him how horrid I am…well guess what..if you strive to be so low and nasty..you can.
But even with all that, I know I have some frequent “flyers’ as I call them from his immediate area. Falls River and New Bedford MA show up often on my sitemeter and I dont know who they are. Could be my brother, could be my son, his parents, a family friend, a cousin, a mom from MA, or any numberous internet folks I know who happen to live in the same state. I am not going to make myself crazy over it. I wonder, but refuse to be crazy with fear.
Now, still. I am human. And those comments did push my buttons. I am not made of stone.
“The middle aged chick who happened to give birth to him” hurts. My mind injects the word “just” in there. As in “who just happened”..I had to read it a few times to make sure it was ot there, but I stil hear it. But the thing is…I know myself to be much more than that. Even if Anon, or his folks, or even Max himself, might happen to see me that way. I am not the scared little girl who knows not her value anymore. So yeah, it hurts, but not wounds. A stub to the big toe, but no blood or broken bones.
Saying that they are much more knowledgeable than me…whatever. I am sure that they do know more things about some things than I do, but I bet I also can claim the same. And if, by any long stretch of my imagination, they have actually invested more time and effort into learning about adoption than I have these past five years….well then good for them and good for Max, but it’s hard to see that..really. From what I know if them…I can’t imagine how they would find the time for one. I can prove that statement, but I don’t feel too keen on putting their personal stuff out there for all. I just don’t see why it must be a contest and I must be the looser. I can just dismiss this idea as adoption talk where the adoptive parents just must be better than the lowly mom….justificatin with your tea anyone?
But the real heal of course, is throwing in my face that he is not banging down my door to see me. OK, big ouchy there. Pick at my scab a bit and make it ooze..yeah, you win! You stuck some blood. Throw some deep fears in my face..thanks for the comapassion. Oh wait, I don’t deserve any.
And then, the calm part of me says again…Ok so what. So he is not right at this moment. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen, doesn’t mean it will,,,not when I want to, when they want it to, or anything..and really..Yeah, he does have alot of stuff going on and I am happy for him in that. Really, I would much rather him being a busy happy guy than pining away for me.
But on the off chance that this Anon realy is someone who wants to do more than poke a stick at me and draw some blood or make sure I know my place…I do invite you to speak to me. Surely as the exiled mom I would welcome any insight into a situation which I can only see though a telescope. Yes, I do wish for communicatin from his folks as I beleive that would make intergration of his life easier for him. And honestly, if someone close to the situation really does have knowledge that conflicts with what I recieve from him, then please…share! Yes, I fear pressuing him to “keep me happy” and feeling guilt about my needs over his. Helping me is not just helping me ..percieved as the enemy..but rather helping him. And if you care about him, if you know him..isn’t that what you really want?
(((Claud))) Seems like you and I have gotten hit at the same time. Also, wanted to give you and all others this address: http://www.geobytes.com/IpLocator.htm?GetLocation
Which, for me helps me to locate where an IP comes from if it is unknown according to sitemeter.
You hold yourself very well, I think your words are wise.
I want to also say, that most of the information that these people are spouting off at us, is information that they can read back on us for. I think they have a lot more time on their hands to just diddle in our blogs. Of course, they have a lot to lose, IMO.
Claud I just want to say I don’t really think that is Max’s parents. I have found most aparents are pretty secure in themselves when the kids are that old. This sounds like perhaps an aparent of a small child who is not yet secure in their role, or an aparent of a child with whom they have a difficult relationship (beyond normal teen angst) or perhaps an adoptee who has not worked out their own mixed feelings about loyalties to their various parents (mine used to be kind of a prick to his b-mom, now it’s tea and honey with them).
As for Max not beating down your door… I do believe there is a) distance and b) he is young. My H feels similarly …insecure? sometimes about how his bio-dad seems paranoid to meet him, and threatens to go beat down his door (he knows exactly who and wear he is) but hasn’t… yet. However, and I think this is important, it’s not because his bio dad doesn’t WANT to meet him or CARE about him, he just has a whole LOT of issues about how he had no say or choice and had essentially written off the fact he was a father. Christ he was so traumatized he never had another child! (and yes he has said that’s why!) Not beating down a door doesn’t have to do jack with someone not being important to you. I am betting it is something far more innocuous, you know, like, the fact he’s 18 and has not the resources to come take a long trip? Or maybe he just is not in the right head space? It’ll happen when it happens, just like it will for my H and his dad.
Sorry to clutter but, had a lot to say.
-wkh
Well my money is on an adoptee who hasn’t worked out their feelings, ugggh.
I feel such communal embarrassment when that happens, I need the doh emoticon right now.
You are giving the anonymous weirdo way too much attention.
I can’t wait to hear the adoption show with you in it.
is it murfreesboro TN? I get visitors from there. Not sure who they are.
good post but kinda agree with kim. dont feed the hungry dogs. you did that years ago when they got your child. consider the source and continue being your amazing self.
Well you know…if the hungry dogs just want to get some attention, then they can have it.
If they just want to poke their sticks, then they should know how they do effect or not effect people.
If they are lashing out in anger and confusion, then it helps to be calm and give them a chance to be heard or maybe open thier minds to another view.
Or perhaps, like usually, they like the anonyomity and turn tale and run when really given the spotlight.
But for the odd chance that it might be someone…I won’t ignore a chance to help my son. If nothing else, no one can ever say I did not try.
Yeah, thats the TN IP…
And my frequent flyers from MA has calmed my questions on that..so that’s all good anyway!!
“And honestly, if someone close to the situation really does have knowledge that conflicts with what I recieve from him, then please…share! Yes, I fear pressuing him to “keep me happy” and feeling guilt about my needs over his.”
They did that, exactly when you first made contact. They told you it wasn’t a good time for him. It wasn’t for you to, selfishly, overstep their judgement but you did anyway. And what, really, would you expect from Max? Who sounds like a polite and well-raised young man; to tell you to take a flying leap? He’s been cordial; not welcoming and embracing.
And how incredibly rude to reveal not only their approximate location but to take a swipe at them, personally, about how their time is or isn’t spent. ”And you can prove that…”. Well, good for you, I guess, but who benefits from snide digs like that at them?For an anon comment they likely didn’t make or are aware of? And you seriously wonder why you haven’t made any progress with them or him? Karma lady, look it up.
Ummm,,,it’s really not that hard to figure out where they exactly live if one wanted to do a little bit of research. Actually, you did a heck of a lot more outing by refering to his as “G” which is something that I have always avoided. There is no secret that I relinquished in MA…and that he lives in that state. I have always been open with that. So if I am rude by that, then you are much ruder by calling him by a real initial..not that I think you really care about them..It’s just about making me tha bad guy isn’t it?
And how is it a dig to say that they seem much too busy with other stuff to spend the anywhere close to the amount of time that I have on adoption? There is nothing wrong with it. I didn’t say that they suck becasue they are stupid and uneducated and that is not anything that I even come close to thinking….I simply stated that I find it hard to believe that they could know as much becasue they don’t have the time. That’s all..tell me if I am wrong and you know so much. Don’t make judgements where there are none.
Now as far as contact with Max…you clearly do not have any inside information. “polite and cordial” does not come close to cutting it. And many an adoptee has indeed told their moms to take a flying leap in just those words or in any manner of language close to that sentiment.
“sounds like” a well raised young man tells me that you don’t know him from Jack. So what we have hear is the indignation that *I* dared not to listen. And that has been gone over here before ad nauseum. You like doing research…go back and read some more…same agruement, different day. Yawn.
Really, I am sorry that you find it so scarey and horrid that I just couldn’t stand in my place and be the subservient lesser being for my whole life. I am sorry that you feel that we moms must never accert any form of independant thought and act upon what we feel might have benefits for our children. I am sorry that you find that concept so threatening. Just be thankful that you’re not stuck with me as the mother of your children or as your mom.
Karma..LOL…I thought I filled my Karma basket with good things when I selflessly allowed my child to be raised by others. Amazing how one ill percieved snide remark can outweigh that.
But now I get to check and see where you are from again!! yeah
“Actually, you did a heck of a lot more outing by refering to his as “G” which is something that I have always avoided. “
Actually, I didn’t do that and would never do that. Use your handy-dandy sitemeter to see that my comment and that comment are from two different people.
“dont feed the hungry dogs. you did that years ago when they got your child.”
Hungry dogs? His parents being referred to as ”hungry dogs”? Gross.
Ah my bad…I couldn’t distinguish between the levels of animosity. Too subtle for my taste..and you know, you both use the same name…so it is BOUND to get confusing.
And I thought my HDSM was just acting quirky! Two differnent anons poking sticks..makes sense! Ok so YOU didn’t use G…I stand corrected. I still maintain that MA was not a secret ever.
And can we maybe note the response to the “hungry dogs..aka feeding the trolls commentary”…See that would be me refering to confusing poking dogs like you….I actually still hope that his parents are way above that..in fact, I can even say that I expect that. I don’t think that they would hide and just be mean. Even if they are still angry at me, even if they were shocked, even if they are hurt…not mean. Just not mean and looking to find fault in anything and veerything I do. Maybe silly of me, but heck, I am an optimist.
Now really..if you can’t come up with anything much better than this petty stuff…I’m going to stop playing with you. I have much better things to do.
I just have to say I agree with Suz, Just don’t feed the trolls Claud! I mean really all they do is come back over and over if you do. *lol* As for who did what and who outed whom, well gee does it matter? Well yes as a matter of fact I think it does. Being a good mom you didn’t do it did you? Hmm me thinks some of the anons protest too much! I am looking forward to hearing your show!
SO OK this is a better read then some television shows.. Claud..I can’t believe that you are maintaining an online conversation with a troll…but still a good read…
Man. Claud, sorry you’re dealing with this. You know I think you are wonderful!!